1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 3 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:12,133 - *MY SISTER'S KID IS TATTOOED * 4 00:00:12,133 --> 00:00:15,200 *FROM HIS HEAD DOWN TO HIS TOES * 5 00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:17,633 * HE CLAIMS TROUBLE FOLLOWS HIM * 6 00:00:17,633 --> 00:00:19,633 * EVERYWHERE HE GOES * 7 00:00:19,633 --> 00:00:21,767 * HE'S SUCH A LAZY, LOAFIN' * 8 00:00:21,767 --> 00:00:24,300 * GOOD-FOR-NOTHIN' DRUNKEN SLOB * 9 00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,667 * BUT STILL HE THINKS * 10 00:00:25,667 --> 00:00:29,000 * I OUGHTER GIVE HIS SORRY ASS A JOB * 11 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,500 *YEAH, PEOPLE AND THEIR PROBLEMS * 12 00:00:31,500 --> 00:00:34,067 * ARE GIVIN' ME A PAIN * 13 00:00:34,067 --> 00:00:36,333 * PEOPLE AND THEIR PROBLEMS * 14 00:00:36,333 --> 00:00:38,067 *ARE MESSIN' WITH MY BRAIN * 15 00:00:38,067 --> 00:00:40,500 *I TRY TO HELP THEM SOME * 16 00:00:40,500 --> 00:00:43,067 * BUT THEY ALWAYS STAY THE SAME * 17 00:00:43,067 --> 00:00:45,167 * PEOPLE AND THEIR PROBLEMS... * 18 00:00:45,167 --> 00:00:48,233 - WOW, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, OKAY? 19 00:00:48,233 --> 00:00:49,700 THANKS FOR COMING OUT. 20 00:00:49,700 --> 00:00:53,933 THE GREAT SAN FRANCISCO, GREATEST CITY, AND, UH... 21 00:00:53,933 --> 00:00:56,633 THE AMAZING, UH, FILLMORE, 22 00:00:56,633 --> 00:00:59,600 AND, UH, YOU KNOW, IT'S UNBELIEVABLE... 23 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:03,233 IT'S GOOD TO BE ALIVE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 24 00:01:03,233 --> 00:01:05,500 ISN'T IT? THAT'S WHAT I SAY. 25 00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:08,233 THAT'S WHAT I LIKE. 26 00:01:08,233 --> 00:01:11,200 THAT--I FIND THAT 27 00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:14,567 TO BE THE GOODEST THING THERE IS, 28 00:01:14,567 --> 00:01:15,967 TO BE ALIVE. 29 00:01:15,967 --> 00:01:18,233 AND, UH, THE REASON IT'S SO GOOD 30 00:01:18,233 --> 00:01:20,800 IS BECAUSE IT'S SO BAD TO BE DEAD. 31 00:01:23,433 --> 00:01:27,433 IT'S NOT LIKE LIFE'S SO FUCKING GREAT, BUT... 32 00:01:27,433 --> 00:01:31,200 COMPARED TO BEING SMOTHERED IN EARTH. 33 00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:35,367 SO I'M JUST-- EVERY DAY, I'M HAPPY NOW. 34 00:01:35,367 --> 00:01:38,500 THAT'S MY GOAL IN LIFE IS NOT TO DIE. 35 00:01:38,500 --> 00:01:40,133 EVERYBODY NEED A GOAL. 36 00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:43,267 AND SO THAT'S MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION EVERY YEAR. 37 00:01:43,267 --> 00:01:45,467 I GO, "I'M NOT GONNA DIE." 38 00:01:49,433 --> 00:01:51,533 I THINK, ACTUALLY, SCIENTISTS 39 00:01:51,533 --> 00:01:55,200 SHOULD KIND OF LOOK INTO THAT WHOLE DEATH THING, 40 00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,100 BECAUSE, UH, 41 00:01:57,100 --> 00:01:59,700 THEY SEEM TO FOCUS ON DISEASES, 42 00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:01,167 AND, UH, YOU KNOW, 43 00:02:01,167 --> 00:02:02,367 I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THEM, 44 00:02:02,367 --> 00:02:04,100 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, THE GUY'LL GO, 45 00:02:04,100 --> 00:02:05,100 "HEY, YOU GOT, UH... 46 00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:06,900 "WE FIXED YOUR, UH, ARTHRITIS." 47 00:02:06,900 --> 00:02:08,300 AND THEN YOU GO, "I'M STILL GONNA DIE?" 48 00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:10,333 THEY GO, "YEAH." 49 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:16,300 SO THAT, I THINK, IS THE BIGGEST PROBLEM. 50 00:02:16,300 --> 00:02:18,667 THAT'S WHY I CAN'T GET BEHIND POLITICIANS, YOU KNOW, 51 00:02:18,667 --> 00:02:19,867 'CAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE, 52 00:02:19,867 --> 00:02:22,233 "OUR BIGGEST PROBLEM TODAY IS UNEMPLOYMENT." 53 00:02:22,233 --> 00:02:23,800 AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT ABOUT GETTING OLD 54 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:25,400 AND SICK AND DYING?" 55 00:02:29,567 --> 00:02:34,067 THEN THEY USHER ME OUT THE BACK WAY, YOU KNOW, BUT... 56 00:02:34,067 --> 00:02:37,067 SERIOUSLY, IF THERE WAS A POLITICIAN EVER THAT SAID, 57 00:02:37,067 --> 00:02:39,333 "BY MY SECOND TERM, THERE WILL BE NO DEATH." 58 00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:41,267 I'D GO, "I'M VOTING FOR THAT FUCKER." 59 00:02:41,267 --> 00:02:44,200 I'D JUST GIVE THAT GUY ALL MY MONEY, 60 00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:46,867 AND I'D SIT ON A CHAIR. 61 00:02:49,833 --> 00:02:52,900 SOMETIMES, I ACTUALLY THINK I WON'T DIE. 62 00:02:52,900 --> 00:02:54,067 YOU EVER THINK THAT? 63 00:02:54,067 --> 00:02:57,800 YOU GO, "FUCK IT, I'M NOT DYING." 64 00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,633 BUT IN YOUR MIND, WHEN, YOU KNOW, YOU ANALY-- 65 00:03:00,633 --> 00:03:02,700 YOU REALIZE, YOU KNOW, LIKE-- 66 00:03:02,700 --> 00:03:06,067 LIKE, YOU KNOW, MY DAD DIED AND MY GRANDFATHER DIED 67 00:03:06,067 --> 00:03:07,867 AND MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER DIED, YOU KNOW. 68 00:03:07,867 --> 00:03:09,733 AND THE GUY BEFORE HIM, I DON'T KNOW. 69 00:03:09,733 --> 00:03:10,733 PROBABLY DIED. 70 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,700 I THINK HE DIED. 71 00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:20,300 'CAUSE, OTHERWISE, HE'D BE ON, UH, EXTRA. 72 00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:23,267 NO, I... 73 00:03:23,267 --> 00:03:26,067 I COME FROM A LONG LINE OF DEATH. 74 00:03:26,067 --> 00:03:27,433 THAT'S MY POINT. 75 00:03:27,433 --> 00:03:30,300 THAT'S MY POINT. 76 00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:31,767 AND SO I FEAR IT, YOU KNOW. 77 00:03:31,767 --> 00:03:33,733 I FEAR IT A LOT. 78 00:03:33,733 --> 00:03:35,400 AND I THINK MOST OF US DO, YOU KNOW, 79 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:36,700 BUT IT'S FUNNY, LIKE, HOW-- 80 00:03:36,700 --> 00:03:39,300 LIKE, WHAT WE FEAR, HOW WE'RE GONNA DIE. 81 00:03:39,300 --> 00:03:41,833 IT'S ALWAYS THE WAYS WE DON'T DIE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 82 00:03:41,833 --> 00:03:42,967 LIKE WE GO, "GOD DAMN, 83 00:03:42,967 --> 00:03:45,133 I HOPE A POLAR BEAR DOESN'T EAT ME," 84 00:03:45,133 --> 00:03:47,467 OR SOME CRAZY SHIT, YOU KNOW. 85 00:03:47,467 --> 00:03:49,100 OR I HOPE A AIRPLANE. 86 00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:50,833 YOU KNOW, I GOT ON A AIRPLANE TODAY. 87 00:03:50,833 --> 00:03:52,400 EVERY TIME YOU GET ON AN AIRPLANE, YOU GO, 88 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:53,733 "I HOPE I DON'T DIE." 89 00:03:53,733 --> 00:03:57,067 BUT YOU NEVER DIE ON AN AIRPLANE. 90 00:03:57,067 --> 00:04:00,200 RIDICULOUS. 91 00:04:02,067 --> 00:04:05,633 OR YOU GO, "I HOPE A TERRORIST DOES NOT ATTACK AND KILL ME. 92 00:04:05,633 --> 00:04:07,067 I HOPE THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN." 93 00:04:07,067 --> 00:04:08,233 YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ALWAYS AFRAID OF THAT, 94 00:04:08,233 --> 00:04:09,833 BUT YOU THINK ABOUT IT, WHAT'S THE ODDS 95 00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:12,433 THAT A TERRORIST WILL ATTACK AND KILL YOU? 96 00:04:12,433 --> 00:04:14,100 YOU KNOW, ALMOST ZERO, YOU KNOW? 97 00:04:14,100 --> 00:04:16,767 BUT WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT YOU WILL BE ATTACKED AND KILLED 98 00:04:16,767 --> 00:04:18,500 BY YOUR OWN HEART? 99 00:04:22,467 --> 00:04:26,100 IT'S PROBABLY 100%, YOU KNOW, I THINK. 100 00:04:31,733 --> 00:04:34,767 HEART'S NOT GOOD. 101 00:04:34,767 --> 00:04:37,800 PEOPLE THINK IT IS, BUT IT ISN'T. 102 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:39,067 PEOPLE LIKE HEARTS. 103 00:04:39,067 --> 00:04:41,100 THEY GO, "HERE'S A VALENTINE'S--A HEART." 104 00:04:41,100 --> 00:04:45,400 YOU GO, OH. [laughs weakly] 105 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:47,433 THEY GO, "THAT GUY'S GOT A BIG HEART." 106 00:04:47,433 --> 00:04:49,200 I GO, "HE BETTER FUCKIN' WATCH IT THEN, 107 00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:51,900 "'CAUSE... 108 00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:53,267 "GONNA ATTACK AND KILL HIM. 109 00:04:53,267 --> 00:04:55,133 I DON'T KNOW IF HE KNOWS THAT." 110 00:04:58,067 --> 00:05:00,067 THAT'S WHAT GOT MY DAD. 111 00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,800 HIS HEART ATTACKED AND KILLED HIM 112 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,500 WHEN HE WAS LYING ON HIS BED, 113 00:05:03,500 --> 00:05:05,700 AND, BOOM, DEAD ON THE FLOOR. 114 00:05:05,700 --> 00:05:07,400 YOU KNOW, THEY SAID IT WAS INSTANTLY. 115 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:08,767 AND MY DAD, HE WASN'T EXPECTING IT. 116 00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:10,967 HE WAS LOOKING FOR FUCKIN' ARABS AND SHIT, 117 00:05:10,967 --> 00:05:13,333 AND HIS HEART ATTACKED AND KILLED HIM. 118 00:05:13,333 --> 00:05:15,833 AND HE WAS DEAD, LIKE, INSTANTANEOUSLY. 119 00:05:15,833 --> 00:05:17,867 AND, UH, SAD. 120 00:05:17,867 --> 00:05:22,200 WE WERE ALL SAD. 121 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:23,767 WHEN SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPENS, 122 00:05:23,767 --> 00:05:25,533 PEOPLE JUST TRY AND MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. 123 00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:26,967 THEY'LL SAY ANYTHING, YOU KNOW. 124 00:05:26,967 --> 00:05:28,633 ONE GUY SAID TO ME, "DON'T WORRY, NORM, 125 00:05:28,633 --> 00:05:29,967 "HE DIED IN HIS SLEEP. 126 00:05:29,967 --> 00:05:31,767 HE DIDN'T FEEL A THING." 127 00:05:31,767 --> 00:05:33,067 AND I WAS LIKE, "REALLY? 128 00:05:33,067 --> 00:05:34,633 "WHEN HIS HEART ATTACKED AND KILLED HIM, 129 00:05:34,633 --> 00:05:35,967 HE DIDN'T--" 130 00:05:38,233 --> 00:05:41,200 'CAUSE I WAKE UP, LIKE, IF MY CAT WALKS ACROSS MY BELLY. 131 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:42,700 YOU KNOW THAT. 132 00:05:47,500 --> 00:05:50,100 I DON'T KNOW IF MY DAD WAS THAT SOUND A SLEEPER. 133 00:05:54,767 --> 00:05:56,600 ONE GUY SAID, "HE'S IN A BETTER PLACE." 134 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,800 I SAID, "HE'S ON THE FLOOR... 135 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:02,233 "DEAD. 136 00:06:02,233 --> 00:06:04,600 "EARLIER, HE WAS ALIVE ON THE BED. 137 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:07,367 "NOW, WITH THAT TEMPUR-PEDIC PILLOW 138 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,900 "I BOUGHT HIM FOR CHRISTMAS, I'M... 139 00:06:09,900 --> 00:06:11,267 "I'M NO PHYSICIAN, 140 00:06:11,267 --> 00:06:14,100 "BUT I THINK THAT'S THE BETTER PLACE OVER THERE. 141 00:06:14,100 --> 00:06:16,100 ON THE, UH... ON THE BED." 142 00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:21,867 YOUR ONLY CHANCE IF YOU HAVE A HEART ATTACK 143 00:06:21,867 --> 00:06:23,233 IS IF THEY GET THERE EARLY ENOUGH, 144 00:06:23,233 --> 00:06:25,300 THEY HAVE THESE THINGS CALLED DEFIBRILLATORS, 145 00:06:25,300 --> 00:06:30,233 AND WHAT THEY DO IS, THEY ATTACK YOUR HEART. 146 00:06:30,233 --> 00:06:31,867 'CAUSE THAT'S ALL THE HEART UNDERSTANDS 147 00:06:31,867 --> 00:06:34,700 IS VIOLENCE, YOU KNOW. 148 00:06:34,700 --> 00:06:36,400 AND, UH, SO THEY GET THERE EARLY, 149 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:37,500 THEY GO, "AAH!" 150 00:06:37,500 --> 00:06:39,433 THEN YOUR HEART'S LIKE, "AAH! WHA--?! 151 00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:42,967 I WASN'T GONNA KILL HIM." 152 00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:44,667 [laughs] 153 00:06:44,667 --> 00:06:49,867 "UH, THAT'S--THAT'S FUNNY THAT YOU THOUGHT THAT. 154 00:06:49,867 --> 00:06:52,700 "I WAS--I WAS JUST WORRIED HE WAS EATING, UH, 155 00:06:52,700 --> 00:06:54,567 TOO MUCH EGGS AND SHIT." 156 00:07:00,267 --> 00:07:02,600 YOU CAN ACTUALLY GET DEFIBRILLATORS. 157 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:04,600 LIKE, I URGE YOU TO GET THEM, YOU KNOW. 158 00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:05,967 'CAUSE YOU CAN GET 'EM-- 159 00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:07,367 I ORDER 'EM-- YOU GET 'EM, 160 00:07:07,367 --> 00:07:08,800 AND THEN YOU CAN TEACH YOUR LOVED ONES 161 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:10,133 HOW TO USE THEM ON YOU. 162 00:07:10,133 --> 00:07:13,067 AND THEY EVEN SHOW HOW YOU USE THEM ON YOURSELF, 163 00:07:13,067 --> 00:07:14,800 AND, UH, SO I SENT AWAY FOR 'EM, 164 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:17,100 AND I'M GETTING 'EM, AND, UH... 165 00:07:17,100 --> 00:07:18,367 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO. 166 00:07:18,367 --> 00:07:19,500 AS SOON AS I GET THE BOX, 167 00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:24,333 I AM GOING TO PREEMPTIVELY ATTACK MY HEART. 168 00:07:24,333 --> 00:07:26,667 LIKE, BEFORE IT DOES ANYTHING, I'LL JUST BE LIKE, "AAH!" 169 00:07:26,667 --> 00:07:28,267 MY HEART'S LIKE, "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" 170 00:07:28,267 --> 00:07:31,567 YOU GO, "FUCKING RIGHT, SON, AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO. 171 00:07:31,567 --> 00:07:34,567 "ON ACCOUNT OF I'M CARRYING AROUND THESE FUCKERS WITH ME 172 00:07:34,567 --> 00:07:37,300 "WHEREVER I GO, SO... 173 00:07:37,300 --> 00:07:41,133 "I THINK I'LL GO ON A ROLLER COASTER NOW AND... 174 00:07:41,133 --> 00:07:43,933 EAT A EGG." 175 00:07:48,267 --> 00:07:51,867 BUT THAT'S ALL THAT'LL GET YOU--A HEART ATTACK 176 00:07:51,867 --> 00:07:52,900 OR A CANCER. 177 00:07:52,900 --> 00:07:54,167 THAT'S THE OTHER THING, YOU KNOW. 178 00:07:54,167 --> 00:07:55,833 MY UNCLE BURT, HE'S MY GREAT-UNCLE, 179 00:07:55,833 --> 00:07:57,067 BUT WE CALL HIM UNCLE BURT. 180 00:07:57,067 --> 00:07:58,333 HE GOT BOWEL CANCER NOW. 181 00:07:58,333 --> 00:08:00,667 HE'S, UH...HE'S DYING OF IT, YOU KNOW. 182 00:08:00,667 --> 00:08:02,533 AND, UH-- 183 00:08:02,533 --> 00:08:04,767 OR LIKE, UH, SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO SAY... 184 00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:07,067 NOW THEY-- SEE, IN THE OLD DAYS, 185 00:08:07,067 --> 00:08:09,333 A MAN COULD JUST GET SICK AND DIE, YOU KNOW? 186 00:08:09,333 --> 00:08:13,400 NOW THEY HAVE TO WAGE A BATTLE, 187 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:15,100 [laughs] SO... 188 00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:18,133 SO MY UNCLE BURT IS WAGING A-- 189 00:08:18,133 --> 00:08:21,800 A COURAGEOUS BATTLE, 190 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:24,300 WHICH I HAVE SEEN, 'CAUSE I GO AND VISIT HIM, 191 00:08:24,300 --> 00:08:25,667 AND THIS IS THE BATTLE. 192 00:08:25,667 --> 00:08:27,800 HE'S LYING IN A HOSPITAL BED 193 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:30,700 WITH A THING IN HIS ARM, WATCHING MATLOCK ON THE TV. 194 00:08:32,867 --> 00:08:35,167 THE STATE OF THAT BATTLE, I-- 195 00:08:35,167 --> 00:08:38,967 I GOT HIM THE BOX SET OF MATLOCK, AND... 196 00:08:41,067 --> 00:08:42,300 BUT IT'S NOT HIS FAULT. 197 00:08:42,300 --> 00:08:43,367 WHAT THE FUCK IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO? 198 00:08:43,367 --> 00:08:46,400 GO, "I GOT YOU!" 199 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:50,967 IT'S JUST A BLACK THING IN HIS BOWEL. 200 00:08:50,967 --> 00:08:52,500 AND THE REASON I DON'T LIKE IT IS 201 00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:54,100 'CAUSE IN THE OLD DAYS, THEY'D GO, "HEY! 202 00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,767 THAT OLD MAN DIED." 203 00:08:55,767 --> 00:08:57,733 NOW THEY GO, "HEY! 204 00:08:57,733 --> 00:09:02,067 HE--HE LOST HIS BATTLE." 205 00:09:02,067 --> 00:09:03,967 THAT'S NO WAY TO END YOUR LIFE. 206 00:09:03,967 --> 00:09:07,867 YOU KNOW, "WHAT A LOSER THAT GUY WAS. 207 00:09:07,867 --> 00:09:11,133 LAST THING HE DID WAS LOSE." 208 00:09:14,067 --> 00:09:16,567 "HE WAS WAGING A BRAVE BATTLE, 209 00:09:16,567 --> 00:09:17,800 "BUT AT THE END, 210 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:19,833 "I GUESS HE GOT KIND OF COWARDLY WAS WHAT HAPPENED. 211 00:09:19,833 --> 00:09:22,800 "AND THEN, THE BOWEL CANCER, IT GOT BRAVE. 212 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:25,067 "YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO THE BOWEL CANCER. 213 00:09:25,067 --> 00:09:27,233 YOU KNOW, THEY WERE IN A BATTLE, AND THEN--" 214 00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:32,867 WHAT THE FUCK? 215 00:09:32,867 --> 00:09:34,867 AND I'M PRETTY SURE-- I'M NOT A DOCTOR, 216 00:09:34,867 --> 00:09:38,367 BUT I'M PRETTY SURE IF THE CANCER DIES-- 217 00:09:38,367 --> 00:09:40,800 I MEAN, IF YOU DIE, THE CANCER ALSO DIES 218 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:42,500 AT EXACTLY THE SAME TIME. 219 00:09:42,500 --> 00:09:44,233 SO THAT, TO ME, IS NOT A LOSS. 220 00:09:44,233 --> 00:09:45,633 THAT'S A DRAW. 221 00:09:45,633 --> 00:09:47,067 THAT'S A-- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 222 00:09:47,067 --> 00:09:49,367 IT'S NOT LIKE FUCKING 223 00:09:49,367 --> 00:09:50,833 THE CANCER'S GONNA JUMP UP AND GO, 224 00:09:50,833 --> 00:09:52,300 "AAH, I'M FUCKING UNCLE BURT'S WIFE. 225 00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:54,267 "WHERE IS HE? 226 00:09:54,267 --> 00:09:56,733 "I WON FAIR AND SQUARE. 227 00:09:56,733 --> 00:10:00,267 "IS THIS WHERE HE WORKS? 228 00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:03,167 "HI. NAME'S CANCER. WHERE DO I-- 229 00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:06,933 "YOU JUST SHOW ME TO MY CUBICLE. 230 00:10:06,933 --> 00:10:08,467 BOWEL. FIRST NAME'S BOWEL." 231 00:10:14,033 --> 00:10:16,467 NO, MAN, I WOULDN'T HAVE NO BRAVE BATTLE 232 00:10:16,467 --> 00:10:18,100 WHEN I'M FUCKIN' DYIN', I'LL TELL YOU THIS, 233 00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:20,900 'CAUSE I'M NOT BRAVE. 234 00:10:20,900 --> 00:10:22,600 SO WHEN THE FUCKIN' SICKLE OF DEATH 235 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:24,233 IS OVER MY GODDAMN NECK, 236 00:10:24,233 --> 00:10:25,733 I'M GONNA BE SO COWARDLY. 237 00:10:25,733 --> 00:10:27,433 I'M--YOU KNOW, I'M AFRAID 238 00:10:27,433 --> 00:10:30,567 OF GOING ON FERRIS WHEELS AND SHIT. 239 00:10:30,567 --> 00:10:32,367 YOU KNOW? 240 00:10:32,367 --> 00:10:33,833 I'M NOT GONNA BE BRAVE. 241 00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:35,267 I DON'T CARE HOW OLD I AM. 242 00:10:35,267 --> 00:10:36,367 I COULD BE 94. 243 00:10:36,367 --> 00:10:39,733 I'LL BE LIKE, "OOH, PLEASE, OH! 244 00:10:39,733 --> 00:10:42,967 TAKE MY GRANDSON." 245 00:10:44,667 --> 00:10:49,400 "OH, HE'S YOUNG AND FRESH. 246 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,733 "I'D GLADLY MAKE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL 247 00:10:51,733 --> 00:10:53,000 "IF THERE'S ANY-- 248 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,600 "I'VE READ THAT IN LITERATURE. 249 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,767 OH, ANYTHING, PLEASE." 250 00:11:02,933 --> 00:11:06,100 NOW, LISTEN, MAN, I LIKE THE NEWS. 251 00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:09,200 YOU GUYS LIKE THE NEWS? 252 00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:10,867 I ALWAYS WATCH THE NEWS. 253 00:11:10,867 --> 00:11:12,567 AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT THE NEWS. 254 00:11:12,567 --> 00:11:14,533 I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. 255 00:11:14,533 --> 00:11:16,800 BUT FOR SOME REASON, I WATCH IT. 256 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:18,067 I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY, 257 00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:20,433 BUT, UH, I THINK I'M SUPPOSED TO OR SOMETHING, 258 00:11:20,433 --> 00:11:22,567 SO I'LL WATCH IT, AND THEN THE GUY'LL COME ON, 259 00:11:22,567 --> 00:11:24,833 HE'LL GO, "ANYWAYS, TODAY, THE DEFICIT..." 260 00:11:24,833 --> 00:11:27,467 AND I'LL GO, "AH HA HA, I'VE HEARD THAT WORD." 261 00:11:31,067 --> 00:11:32,467 AND THE GUY GOES, 262 00:11:32,467 --> 00:11:37,667 "TODAY, THE DOW JONES/NASDAQ COMPOSITE INDEX IS, UH, DOWN," 263 00:11:37,667 --> 00:11:39,667 AND THEN I GO, "AH, THAT'S NOT GOOD." 264 00:11:42,333 --> 00:11:46,100 DOWN. 265 00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:48,500 UP. I LIKE WHEN IT'S UP. 266 00:11:49,767 --> 00:11:51,500 THAT'S MY OPINION ON THE... 267 00:11:58,100 --> 00:11:59,867 SEEMS LIKE THERE'S TOO MUCH NEWS, 268 00:11:59,867 --> 00:12:02,567 LIKE, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE NOW THEY 24-HOUR NEWS. 269 00:12:02,567 --> 00:12:04,200 NOW, WHEN I WAS A YOUNG BOY, 270 00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:05,700 THE NEWS WAS HALF A HOUR. 271 00:12:05,700 --> 00:12:07,200 THAT WAS THE WHOLE NEWS, YOU KNOW, 272 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:09,600 AND A GUY WOULD COME ON, AND HE'D HAVE A TIE, 273 00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:12,267 YOU KNOW, AND SHIT, AND HE WOULD SAY THE NEWS, 274 00:12:12,267 --> 00:12:13,767 AND IT WAS A HALF A HOUR LONG. 275 00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:16,400 NOW IT'S 24 HOURS LONG. 276 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:19,467 NOW, IT TURNS OUT THAT BACK IN THE OLD DAYS 277 00:12:19,467 --> 00:12:20,733 WHEN IT WAS ONLY HALF A HOUR, 278 00:12:20,733 --> 00:12:22,067 THEY HAD IT ABOUT RIGHT. 279 00:12:22,067 --> 00:12:23,900 THAT'S ABOUT ALL THE NEWS THERE IS. 280 00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:34,433 EVEN THEN, THERE WOULD ALWAYS BE, LIKE, A STORY-- 281 00:12:34,433 --> 00:12:36,200 SOME FUCKING STORY AT THE END 282 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:37,667 ABOUT A CARIBOU OR SOME HORSESHIT, 283 00:12:37,667 --> 00:12:42,067 SO THERE WASN'T EVEN ENOUGH TO FILL THE HALF A HOUR. 284 00:12:42,067 --> 00:12:44,433 BUT 24 HOURS, WAY TOO LONG. 285 00:12:44,433 --> 00:12:46,200 SO THEY HAVE TO KEEP REPEATING THE STORIES 286 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,567 ALL THE TIME AND EVERYTHING, 287 00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:49,900 AND, UH, YOU KNOW, MAKE UP STORIES, YOU KNOW. 288 00:12:49,900 --> 00:12:51,567 THEY DO THAT A LOT, MAKE UP 289 00:12:51,567 --> 00:12:53,767 THINGS THAT AREN'T REALLY NEWS STORIES, 290 00:12:53,767 --> 00:12:56,967 BUT THEY HAVE TO, YOU KNOW, FILL THE 24 HOURS, YOU KNOW. 291 00:12:56,967 --> 00:12:59,133 AND THE ONE I NOTICE THAT THEY MAKE UP A LOT, 292 00:12:59,133 --> 00:13:00,900 THIS IS THE LATEST ONE I'VE SEEN. 293 00:13:00,900 --> 00:13:02,767 I SEE THIS ALL THE TIME ON THE NEWS. 294 00:13:02,767 --> 00:13:04,300 THE NEWSMAN WILL COME ON, HE'LL GO... 295 00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:06,133 HE'LL GO, "GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY. 296 00:13:06,133 --> 00:13:07,333 THIS IS THE NEWSMAN." 297 00:13:07,333 --> 00:13:10,500 WHATEVER HE SAYS. HE'S NOT GONNA SAY THAT. 298 00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:13,633 THEN HE GOES, "OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT, 299 00:13:13,633 --> 00:13:15,500 A LADY HAS VANISHED." 300 00:13:19,067 --> 00:13:20,500 THAT'S THE STORY. 301 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,100 AND THEN HE GOES, "LET'S GO OUTSIDE, 302 00:13:22,100 --> 00:13:24,133 WHERE THERE'S ANOTHER GUY." 303 00:13:24,133 --> 00:13:26,833 SO THEN THEY CUT TO OUTSIDE. 304 00:13:26,833 --> 00:13:28,567 AND THEN THERE'S A GUY OUTSIDE, 305 00:13:28,567 --> 00:13:33,233 AND HE'S LIKE, "HEY, LISTEN, HOW'S IT GOING INSIDE? 306 00:13:33,233 --> 00:13:36,067 "WE'RE OUTSIDE, AND, UH, 307 00:13:36,067 --> 00:13:38,200 "WE FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS LADY THAT VANISHED. 308 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:39,467 "HER NAME WAS JANICE, 309 00:13:39,467 --> 00:13:41,067 "AND THEY FOUND HER CAR HERE 310 00:13:41,067 --> 00:13:42,767 "IN THE TACO BELL PARKING LOT, 311 00:13:42,767 --> 00:13:44,500 "AND, UH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE CAR. 312 00:13:44,500 --> 00:13:46,367 "IT'S FINE, BUT, UH... 313 00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:49,600 "CAN'T FIND HIDE NOR HAIR OF THE LADY. 314 00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,400 WELL, BACK TO YOU." 315 00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:54,867 SO THEN YOU'RE WATCHING, 316 00:13:54,867 --> 00:13:56,667 YOU GO, "WELL, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK 317 00:13:56,667 --> 00:13:59,200 ON ACCOUNT OF I NEVER KNEW JANICE IN THE FIRST PLACE." 318 00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:05,900 "MATTER OF FACT, I'M KIND OF HAPPY IT'S JANICE 319 00:14:05,900 --> 00:14:07,900 AND NOT SOMEBODY I KNOW." 320 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:13,467 BUT THEN WHAT THEY DO IS, 321 00:14:13,467 --> 00:14:16,833 THEY START TELLING YOU ABOUT JANICE, YOU KNOW? 322 00:14:16,833 --> 00:14:18,067 AND THEY GO, "HEY, WE GOT-- 323 00:14:18,067 --> 00:14:19,800 WE FOUND OUT SOME COOL THINGS ABOUT JANICE." 324 00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:21,400 AND YOU'RE LIKE, "NO, THAT'S COOL. 325 00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:22,500 I DON'T WANT TO HEAR." 326 00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:24,767 THEY GO, "NO, NO, YOU WANT TO HEAR." 327 00:14:24,767 --> 00:14:26,200 THEY CAN'T HELP THEMSELVES, 328 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,067 SO THEY GO, "LET'S GO BACK TO BILL. 329 00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:30,333 "HE'S, UH--HE'S, UH, STILL OUTSIDE. 330 00:14:30,333 --> 00:14:32,233 AND, UH, HOW'S IT GOING, BILL?" 331 00:14:32,233 --> 00:14:33,767 AND BILL'S LIKE, "IT'S ALL RIGHT. 332 00:14:33,767 --> 00:14:35,400 "IT'S NO INSIDE, BUT IT'S COOL. 333 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,867 "AND, UH... 334 00:14:37,867 --> 00:14:40,400 "ANYWAYS, WE FOUND OUT ABOUT JANICE. 335 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,433 "TURNS OUT SHE'S A GOOD LADY, 336 00:14:43,433 --> 00:14:45,167 "AND, UH, WE FOUND SOME FRIENDS OF HERS, 337 00:14:45,167 --> 00:14:46,533 AND HERE THEY ARE." 338 00:14:46,533 --> 00:14:48,433 AND THEN, SURE ENOUGH, THEY SHOW A LADY 339 00:14:48,433 --> 00:14:50,233 AND IT SAYS, "FRIEND OF JANICE." 340 00:14:50,233 --> 00:14:51,733 AND, UH, SHE SAYS, 341 00:14:51,733 --> 00:14:53,067 "I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT JANICE. 342 00:14:53,067 --> 00:14:54,733 "YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT JANICE? 343 00:14:54,733 --> 00:14:56,067 "JANICE IS THE TYPE OF LADY 344 00:14:56,067 --> 00:14:57,500 "THAT YOU COULD ALWAYS TURN TO. 345 00:14:57,500 --> 00:14:59,733 "YOU KNOW, YOU EVER WANT TO TURN TO SOMEBODY? 346 00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:02,100 "LIKE, IF YOU GOT A PROBLEM OR SOMETHING, 347 00:15:02,100 --> 00:15:04,533 AND YOU KNOW HOW YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WANT TO TURN?" 348 00:15:05,867 --> 00:15:07,767 "YOU EVER DO THAT? 349 00:15:07,767 --> 00:15:09,400 "OR MAYBE YOUR NECK JUST HURTS 350 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,867 "AND YOU WANT TO ANYWAYS. THE POINT OF IT IS 351 00:15:11,867 --> 00:15:14,667 "THAT ONCE YOU SWIVELED YOUR HEAD OVER THIS WAY, 352 00:15:14,667 --> 00:15:16,433 "THE PERSON YOU'D MOST WANT TO SEE 353 00:15:16,433 --> 00:15:19,600 IN YOUR EYE LINE WOULD BE JANICE." 354 00:15:21,133 --> 00:15:23,567 AND THEN THEY HAVE ANOTHER FRIEND OF JANICE 355 00:15:23,567 --> 00:15:25,067 THAT WASN'T THE FIRST ONE, AND SHE'LL GO, 356 00:15:25,067 --> 00:15:27,333 "I'LL TELL YOU JANICE, OH, MY GOD. 357 00:15:27,333 --> 00:15:28,900 "SHE WAS THE TYPE OF LADY 358 00:15:28,900 --> 00:15:30,467 "THAT SHE COULD WALK INTO A ROOM 359 00:15:30,467 --> 00:15:32,967 "AND LIGHT UP THE WHOLE ROOM, YOU KNOW? 360 00:15:32,967 --> 00:15:35,367 "SHE DIDN'T HAVE A FUCKING LIGHT OR NOTHIN' LIKE THAT. 361 00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:39,067 "SHE WOULD JUST SOMEHOW, 362 00:15:39,067 --> 00:15:44,067 "THROUGH SHEER TYRANNY OF WILL, SHE COULD SOMEHOW 363 00:15:44,067 --> 00:15:47,367 ILLUMINATE A ROOM. I DON'T KNOW HOW." 364 00:15:47,367 --> 00:15:49,667 AND THERE'LL BE JANICE'S THIRD FRIEND LADY 365 00:15:49,667 --> 00:15:51,067 THAT'S NOT ONE OF THE EARLIER TWO, 366 00:15:51,067 --> 00:15:52,067 AND THEN SHE GOES, 367 00:15:52,067 --> 00:15:53,267 "I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT JANICE. 368 00:15:53,267 --> 00:15:56,200 "IS THAT WHO YOU'RE ASKING ME ABOUT, JANICE? 369 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,100 "JANICE WAS THE TYPE OF LADY 370 00:15:58,100 --> 00:15:59,433 "THAT YOU COULD BE TALKING 371 00:15:59,433 --> 00:16:01,267 "TO YOUR BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD, 372 00:16:01,267 --> 00:16:02,833 "AND THEN JANICE COME IN AND YOU GO, 373 00:16:02,833 --> 00:16:05,600 'FUCK YOU, I'M TALKING TO JANICE.'" 374 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,533 "'CAUSE JANICE IS BETTER THAN YOU. 375 00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:09,200 "'COME ON, LET'S FACE IT. 376 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,133 SHE'S BETTER THAN ALL OF US.'" 377 00:16:12,133 --> 00:16:14,333 SO ANYWAYS, THEN YOU'RE AT HOME, 378 00:16:14,333 --> 00:16:16,833 AND YOU START LIKING JANICE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 379 00:16:16,833 --> 00:16:18,100 YOU START GETTING INVESTED IN HER. 380 00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:21,333 YOU GO, "GOD DAMN, THAT JANICE IS A COOL LADY. 381 00:16:21,333 --> 00:16:22,900 "I WOULD LIKE TO MEET HER ONE DAY. 382 00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:24,067 "THAT WOULD BE A LOT OF-- 383 00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:25,633 FUCK, I FORGOT SHE VANISHED." 384 00:16:28,267 --> 00:16:29,967 "AH, JUST MY LUCK." 385 00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:39,800 "THEY'LL FIND HER." 386 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:41,867 THEN YOU GET HOPE. 387 00:16:41,867 --> 00:16:42,967 THAT'S NOT GOOD. 388 00:16:42,967 --> 00:16:44,567 I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT OBAMA SAYS, 389 00:16:44,567 --> 00:16:47,433 HOPE IS NEVER GOOD. 390 00:16:47,433 --> 00:16:51,300 DON'T TRY IT. NEVER WORKS OUT. 391 00:16:51,300 --> 00:16:52,900 SO YOU GO... 392 00:16:52,900 --> 00:16:55,167 YOU GO, "OH, MAN, THEY'LL FIND JANICE. 393 00:16:55,167 --> 00:16:57,967 "THEY'RE PUTTING PICTURES UP OF HER ON TELEPHONE POLES. 394 00:16:57,967 --> 00:17:01,967 "I THINK THAT WORKED ONCE, AND..." 395 00:17:01,967 --> 00:17:03,667 AND THEN THE NEWS KEEPS SHOWING YOU 396 00:17:03,667 --> 00:17:05,267 MORE THINGS ABOUT JANICE, YOU KNOW. 397 00:17:05,267 --> 00:17:07,600 AND THEY'LL SHOW YOU, LIKE, HOME VIDEOS OF HER. 398 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:09,100 YOU'RE LIKE, "GOD DAMN, LOOK AT THAT. 399 00:17:09,100 --> 00:17:10,600 SHE'S EATING A PIZZA." 400 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:13,967 "I LIKE HER HAIR LIKE THAT." 401 00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:19,600 "THEY'LL FIND HER." 402 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:21,733 AND THEN YOU BECOME OBSESSED WITH JANICE. 403 00:17:21,733 --> 00:17:23,267 IT'S ALL YOU CAN THINK OF, YOU KNOW? 404 00:17:23,267 --> 00:17:25,333 YOU'RE AT WORK, FUCKING JUST CAN'T WAIT 405 00:17:25,333 --> 00:17:28,233 TO GET HOME, AGONIZING OVER JANICE, YOU KNOW, 406 00:17:28,233 --> 00:17:31,600 AND THINKING ABOUT HER EATING PIZZA AND SHIT. 407 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:33,533 AND THEN YOU GO HOME, 408 00:17:33,533 --> 00:17:36,333 AND YOUR NIGHTS ARE JUST FEVERED DREAMS 409 00:17:36,333 --> 00:17:42,067 OF, YOU KNOW, JANICE AND BANGS AND SHIT LIKE THAT. 410 00:17:42,067 --> 00:17:45,900 AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS TURN ON THE TV AND HOPE, 411 00:17:45,900 --> 00:17:48,100 AND, YOU KNOW... AND THEN ONE DAY, YOU KNOW, 412 00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:49,800 THEY GO, "HEY, MORE NEWS ON JANICE. 413 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:51,167 HERE'S BILL. HE STILL OUTSIDE." 414 00:17:51,167 --> 00:17:52,833 AND THEN BILL IS, LIKE, OUTSIDE, 415 00:17:52,833 --> 00:17:54,367 AND HE'S LIKE, "HERE WE ARE. 416 00:17:54,367 --> 00:17:56,700 "UH, AS YOU CAN SEE BEHIND ME, 417 00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:58,400 "THEY ARE SCOURING THE WOODS. 418 00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,667 THEY'RE STILL SEARCHING FOR JANICE," YOU KNOW. 419 00:18:00,667 --> 00:18:03,067 AND THEN, YOU GO, "OH, FUCK, NOT THE WOODS. 420 00:18:03,067 --> 00:18:03,933 YOU KNOW, THAT'S NOT--" 421 00:18:08,433 --> 00:18:12,067 NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS IN THE WOODS. 422 00:18:12,067 --> 00:18:15,400 I'VE SEEN ENOUGH OF THESE FUCKING STORIES TO KNOW 423 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,267 THAT JANICE AIN'T COMING BOUNDING OUT OF THE WOODS 424 00:18:18,267 --> 00:18:21,100 ANY TIME SOON, I'LL TELL YOU THAT. 425 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,667 SHE'S LIKE, "HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON, EVERYBODY? 426 00:18:23,667 --> 00:18:26,433 I--I WAS JUST TAKING A STROLL THROUGH THE WOODS." 427 00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:30,300 "WHAT ARE YOU TAKING MY PICTURE FOR? 428 00:18:30,300 --> 00:18:32,633 "I WAS JUST-- 429 00:18:32,633 --> 00:18:35,700 JUST DECIDED TO TAKE A STROLL THROUGH THE SCRAGGLY WOODS." 430 00:18:39,167 --> 00:18:41,633 NO, IF THEY FIND YOU IN THE WOODS, 431 00:18:41,633 --> 00:18:44,067 THEY ALWAYS FIND YOU IN THE SAME PLACE. 432 00:18:44,067 --> 00:18:46,500 EVERY TIME, THEY WILL FIND YOU 433 00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,167 IN A, UH, SHALLOW GRAVE. 434 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:58,300 I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY DON'T JUST LOOK THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. 435 00:18:58,300 --> 00:19:00,633 THAT'S-- IF I WAS THE POLICE CHIEF, 436 00:19:00,633 --> 00:19:03,100 I'D GO, "LISTEN, I WANT EVERY SHALLOW GRAVE 437 00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:05,667 "IN THE VICINITY CHECKED OUT. 438 00:19:05,667 --> 00:19:07,767 "I WANT TO CLEAR UP THIS CASE BY TUESDAY 439 00:19:07,767 --> 00:19:09,567 "ON ACCOUNT OF 440 00:19:09,567 --> 00:19:12,267 I'M RUNNING FOR D.A., OR WHATEVER." 441 00:19:12,267 --> 00:19:13,800 BUT, UH... 442 00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:19,400 DOESN'T "SHALLOW GRAVE" SEEM A MIGHT RASH? 443 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:20,800 YOU KNOW, IF-- 444 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:23,300 LIKE, THESE SERIAL KILLERS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SO SHREWD 445 00:19:23,300 --> 00:19:25,100 AND CUNNING AND EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW. 446 00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:27,433 AT LEAST ACCORDING TO THE TV MOVIES I'VE SEEN. 447 00:19:27,433 --> 00:19:30,067 AND, UH, BUT THEN WHEN IT COMES TIME 448 00:19:30,067 --> 00:19:33,067 FOR THE GRAVE, 449 00:19:33,067 --> 00:19:35,567 THEY GET A LITTLE HASTY, YOU KNOW. 450 00:19:37,533 --> 00:19:39,233 "HERE YOU GO-- THREE TWIGS AND A LEAF. 451 00:19:39,233 --> 00:19:41,067 "THAT OUGHT TO DO IT. 452 00:19:41,067 --> 00:19:44,633 "THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE JANICE ANYMORE. 453 00:19:44,633 --> 00:19:46,233 "DON'T RECALL JANICE EVER WEARING 454 00:19:46,233 --> 00:19:47,933 "THREE LEAVES AND A TWIG. 455 00:19:47,933 --> 00:19:50,233 "OH, WELL, GUESS I'LL GO HOME 456 00:19:50,233 --> 00:19:52,733 AND AWAIT THE AUTHORITIES NOW." 457 00:19:55,167 --> 00:19:57,467 YOU GOTTA PREPARE THESE THINGS, YOU KNOW? 458 00:19:57,467 --> 00:19:59,700 YOU GOTTA BE A LITTLE SMARTER THAN THAT. 459 00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:01,067 YOU KNOW, WHAT I WOULD DO, 460 00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:06,733 AND I WOULD NEVER, EVER KILL A LADY IN COLD BLOOD... 461 00:20:06,733 --> 00:20:08,433 [cheers and applause] 462 00:20:08,433 --> 00:20:09,800 I WOULDN'T! 463 00:20:11,233 --> 00:20:14,500 I KNOW I SAY THAT NOW. I DON'T REALLY KNOW. 464 00:20:14,500 --> 00:20:15,700 I CAN'T PREDICT THE FUTURE. 465 00:20:15,700 --> 00:20:19,600 BUT I DON'T BELIEVE I... 466 00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:22,333 I KNOW THERE'S NO RIVER LONG ENOUGH 467 00:20:22,333 --> 00:20:23,400 DOESN'T CONTAIN A BEND. 468 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:26,267 BUT I BELIEVE THAT, RIGHT NOW... 469 00:20:26,267 --> 00:20:27,467 AND IT MIGHT JUST BE VANITY-- 470 00:20:27,467 --> 00:20:28,733 I DON'T THINK I WOULD, UH, 471 00:20:28,733 --> 00:20:31,000 I WOULD KILL A WOMAN IN COLD BLOOD. 472 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:35,633 BUT IF I DID, I WOULD PLAN IT OUT VERY CAREFULLY, YOU KNOW? 473 00:20:35,633 --> 00:20:37,400 'CAUSE THERE'S A LOT AT STAKE. 474 00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:39,733 YOU KNOW, YOU THINK ABOUT IT, YOU PROBABLY, YOU KNOW... 475 00:20:39,733 --> 00:20:41,933 PROBABLY LOSE YOUR JOB. I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS. 476 00:20:44,333 --> 00:20:47,567 THAT'S A BLEMISH ON THE OLD C.V., YOU KNOW? 477 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,567 EVEN IN TODAY'S ENLIGHTENED SOCIETY, 478 00:20:54,567 --> 00:20:58,667 THERE REMAINS A STIGMA TO BEING A PSYCHO-SEXUAL SADIST. 479 00:21:02,300 --> 00:21:04,833 BUT, UH... 480 00:21:04,833 --> 00:21:07,300 WHAT I WOULD DO IS I WOULD, LIKE, 481 00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:09,400 I WOULD LOOK AT THE LA-- I WOULD SELECT A LADY, 482 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:10,833 AND THEN I WOULD FOLLOW HER HABITS. 483 00:21:10,833 --> 00:21:13,167 YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING? 484 00:21:13,167 --> 00:21:15,833 LIKE, I WOULD WATCH HER VERY CAREFULLY, YOU KNOW? 485 00:21:15,833 --> 00:21:18,633 AND I'D GO, "HEY! I NOTICE THAT EVERY DAY, 486 00:21:18,633 --> 00:21:20,400 "SHE GOES TO THAT CHEESE SANDWICH SHOP, 487 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,900 "AND THEN SHE COMES OUT WITH A LITTLE PAPER BAG. 488 00:21:23,900 --> 00:21:26,133 I'LL BET YOU ANYTHING THERE'S CHEESE SANDWICHES IN THERE." 489 00:21:26,133 --> 00:21:27,433 YOU KNOW? 490 00:21:27,433 --> 00:21:30,367 SO THEN I KEEP THAT IN MY HEAD, YOU UNDERSTAND. 491 00:21:30,367 --> 00:21:31,733 THEN I'D SAY, "HEY! 492 00:21:31,733 --> 00:21:34,433 "I NOTICE EVERY WEDNESDAY EVENING, 493 00:21:34,433 --> 00:21:37,233 "SHE GOES WITH HER OTHER LADY FRIENDS, 494 00:21:37,233 --> 00:21:39,300 "AND THEY GO DOWN TO THE YWCA 495 00:21:39,300 --> 00:21:41,167 AND THEY PLAY BASKETBALL WITH EACH OTHER." 496 00:21:41,167 --> 00:21:44,300 WHICH IS FINE NOWADAYS. YOU KNOW? 497 00:21:44,300 --> 00:21:47,467 SO WHAT I WOULD DO IS, 498 00:21:47,467 --> 00:21:52,067 ON WEDNESDAY, I WOULD GO DOWN TO THE YWCA. 499 00:21:52,067 --> 00:21:55,167 AND WHAT WOULD I BE HOLDING 500 00:21:55,167 --> 00:21:57,833 IN MY RIGHT HAND IN THE PARKING LOT 501 00:21:57,833 --> 00:22:00,800 BUT A CHEESE SANDWICH? 502 00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:04,433 SO THEN SHE WOULD EVENTUALLY COME OUT OF THE YWCA, 503 00:22:04,433 --> 00:22:06,700 YOU KNOW, ALL SWEATY WITH HER, UH, YOU KNOW, 504 00:22:06,700 --> 00:22:09,333 HER RIDICULOUS, THREE-COLORED BALL AND EVERYTHING THERE. 505 00:22:09,333 --> 00:22:11,967 YOU KNOW, AND... I'D BE STANDING THERE. 506 00:22:11,967 --> 00:22:13,467 [laughter and applause] 507 00:22:13,467 --> 00:22:15,900 AND THEN SHE'D GO, "HEY, WHAT'S IN YOUR RIGHT HAND?" 508 00:22:15,900 --> 00:22:17,900 AND I'D GO, "NOTHIN'." I'D BE COY, YOU KNOW. 509 00:22:17,900 --> 00:22:19,700 AND SHE'D GO... 510 00:22:19,700 --> 00:22:21,233 SHE'D GO, "THERE'S SOMETHING IN YOUR RIGHT HAND." 511 00:22:21,233 --> 00:22:22,900 I'D GO, "LISTEN, LADY... 512 00:22:22,900 --> 00:22:25,900 "WHO KNOWS MORE ABOUT WHAT'S IN THEIR RIGHT HAND, 513 00:22:25,900 --> 00:22:27,633 "YOU OR ME? I BELIEVE-- 514 00:22:27,633 --> 00:22:29,900 "OH, THIS! 515 00:22:29,900 --> 00:22:32,367 "NO, THIS IS JUST A CHEESE SANDWICH. 516 00:22:32,367 --> 00:22:36,200 "WHY, YOU LIKE 'EM OR SOMETHING? WHAT'S... 517 00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:40,900 "I GOT A WHOLE FUCKING VAN FULL OF 'EM OVER THERE. 518 00:22:40,900 --> 00:22:43,133 "RIGHT OVER THERE. 519 00:22:43,133 --> 00:22:46,200 "YEAH. YEAH, THAT CRAZIEST- LOOKIN' FUCKING VAN 520 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,133 "YOU EVER SAW... 521 00:22:48,133 --> 00:22:49,833 THAT'S FILLED WITH CHEESE SANDWICHES." 522 00:22:56,900 --> 00:22:58,900 YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE CHEESE SANDWICHES 523 00:22:58,900 --> 00:23:01,967 IN THE VAN, BY THE WAY, IF YOU'RE... 524 00:23:01,967 --> 00:23:02,900 YOU KNOW. 525 00:23:06,367 --> 00:23:08,967 UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE KNOWN FOR YOUR DETAILED WORK, 526 00:23:08,967 --> 00:23:09,967 IT'S NOT... 527 00:23:09,967 --> 00:23:11,667 IT'S NOT REALLY NECESSARY. 528 00:23:11,667 --> 00:23:13,967 THEN I WOULD GET THE LADY IN THE VAN, 529 00:23:13,967 --> 00:23:16,400 AND I WOULD DRIVE HER TO A REMOTE AREA, 530 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:18,567 AN AREA... 531 00:23:18,567 --> 00:23:20,533 MOST KNOWN FOR ITS REMOTENESS. 532 00:23:20,533 --> 00:23:21,867 THAT'S WHAT I WOULD LOOK FOR. 533 00:23:21,867 --> 00:23:24,467 AND ANYWAYS, I'D TAKE HER TO THE REMOTE AREA, 534 00:23:24,467 --> 00:23:26,767 WHERE I'D CONSTRUCTED A SHED, 535 00:23:26,767 --> 00:23:28,967 AND THEN I WOULD GET HER IN THERE, 536 00:23:28,967 --> 00:23:32,400 AND I WOULD DO THAT THING THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE GOD. 537 00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:35,500 AND, UH... 538 00:23:35,500 --> 00:23:39,800 AND THEN HER SCREAMS WOULD JUST BOUNCE OFF THE WALLS 539 00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:43,700 AND ECHO OUT INTO NOWHERE AND NEVER... 540 00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:46,367 TOUCH THE EAR OF CIVILIZED MAN AGAIN. 541 00:23:46,367 --> 00:23:49,600 AND THEN I WOULD TAKE HER BODY TO THE WOODS, 542 00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:53,967 AND BURY HER IN A VERY, VERY, VERY DEEP GRAVE. 543 00:23:53,967 --> 00:23:56,767 [laughter and applause] 544 00:23:56,767 --> 00:23:57,900 THAT'S... 545 00:24:00,133 --> 00:24:02,633 THAT WOULD BE MOST OF MY PREPARATION. 546 00:24:02,633 --> 00:24:04,200 I WOULD START DIGGING THE GRAVE 547 00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:06,067 BEFORE I CHOSE THE VICTIM. 548 00:24:06,067 --> 00:24:07,167 COUPLE OF YEARS BEFORE, 549 00:24:07,167 --> 00:24:09,633 I'D BE OUT DIGGING A GRAVE. 550 00:24:15,367 --> 00:24:16,667 BUT, NO, LISTEN... 551 00:24:19,067 --> 00:24:23,800 ENOUGH OF THIS GRIMNESS. 552 00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:25,567 ALTHOUGH MY BUDDY-- I DID WANT TO SAY ONE THING 553 00:24:25,567 --> 00:24:28,233 ABOUT MY BUDDY RICHIE, WHO HAS A DISEASE. 554 00:24:28,233 --> 00:24:30,233 AND, UH, BUT IT'S-- 555 00:24:30,233 --> 00:24:32,067 IT'S AN INTERESTING DISEASE HE HAS. 556 00:24:32,067 --> 00:24:34,800 HE HAS THE DISEASE OF ALCOHOLISM. 557 00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:36,400 ALCOHOLISM. 558 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:37,933 AND, UH, HE CAME TO ME, YOU KNOW, 559 00:24:37,933 --> 00:24:40,367 AND HE TOLD ME, AND, UH, I LIKE TO LOOK-- 560 00:24:40,367 --> 00:24:41,467 I'M THE KIND OF GUY THAT LIKES TO LOOK 561 00:24:41,467 --> 00:24:42,967 AT THE BRIGHT SIDE OF THINGS, YOU KNOW? 562 00:24:42,967 --> 00:24:45,367 SO I TOLD HIM, I SAID, "RICHIE, IT'S TRUE 563 00:24:45,367 --> 00:24:47,367 "THAT YOU HAVE A DISEASE AND EVERYTHING. 564 00:24:47,367 --> 00:24:50,300 BUT...I THINK YOU GOT THE BEST ONE." 565 00:24:56,367 --> 00:24:57,933 IT'S THE ONLY DISEASE WHERE YOU 566 00:24:57,933 --> 00:25:00,067 GET TO DRINK BOOZE ALL THE TIME. 567 00:25:00,067 --> 00:25:03,333 I--I HAVEN'T LOOKED AT EVERY MEDICAL JOURNAL, 568 00:25:03,333 --> 00:25:05,867 BUT I BELIEVE... 569 00:25:05,867 --> 00:25:09,367 IT'S THE ONLY DISEASE WHERE YOU CAN CONSTANTLY DRINK BOOZE. 570 00:25:11,433 --> 00:25:14,733 AS A MATTER OF FACT, THAT IS THE DISEASE. 571 00:25:17,767 --> 00:25:19,300 YOU KNOW, AND I DON'T THINK RICHIE 572 00:25:19,300 --> 00:25:20,700 WOULD THINK IF HE HAD A-- 573 00:25:20,700 --> 00:25:22,433 LIKE, I DON'T THINK RICHIE WOULD GO TO MY UNCLE BURT 574 00:25:22,433 --> 00:25:24,767 AND GO, "HEY, I UNDERSTAND YOU GOT BOWEL CANCER. 575 00:25:24,767 --> 00:25:26,733 "YEAH, MAN, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. 576 00:25:26,733 --> 00:25:28,833 "I GOTTA... DRINK A LOT OF BOOZE. 577 00:25:28,833 --> 00:25:30,567 "THOSE DISEASES... 578 00:25:30,567 --> 00:25:34,867 "THEY'RE TOUGH, THOSE DISEASES, HUH, UNCLE BURT? 579 00:25:34,867 --> 00:25:36,867 HEY, WHAT'S YOUR SYMPTOMS, UNCLE BURT?" 580 00:25:36,867 --> 00:25:40,600 "WELL, MY BOWEL, I GOT BLOOD POURING OUT OF IT ALL THE TIME. 581 00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:44,867 "I GOT BOWEL BLOOD POURIN' OUT, GUSHIN' OUT OF MY BOWEL, 582 00:25:44,867 --> 00:25:46,333 "ALMOST NONSTOP. 583 00:25:46,333 --> 00:25:50,333 "AND, UH, I GOT SEARING, CLAWING PAINS, 584 00:25:50,333 --> 00:25:53,333 "RIPPING, TEARING, YOU KNOW. 585 00:25:53,333 --> 00:25:58,333 "UH...MIND-SCREECHING... BOWEL PAINS. 586 00:25:58,333 --> 00:26:03,333 "AND, UH, THEY'RE COMBINED WITH ACHING, DULL, 587 00:26:03,333 --> 00:26:05,667 SOUL-DEADENING BOWEL PAIN." 588 00:26:07,833 --> 00:26:09,933 "THOSE ARE BASICALLY MY SYMPTOMS. HOW ABOUT YOU?" 589 00:26:09,933 --> 00:26:11,333 "I GET HAPPY." 590 00:26:13,833 --> 00:26:15,833 "AND, UH, YOU KNOW. 591 00:26:15,833 --> 00:26:18,733 "I TEND TO BE ABLE TO TALK TO PEOPLE EASIER, I FIND." 592 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:26,400 "SOMETIMES, I WILL MEET A LADY AT A BAR, 593 00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:29,167 "GOT THE SAME DISEASE AS I DO, 594 00:26:29,167 --> 00:26:31,700 "AND I'LL FUCK HER. 595 00:26:31,700 --> 00:26:35,400 "BUT, UH... 596 00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:38,300 "THAT'S IN THE LATTER STAGES OF THE DISEASE, 597 00:26:38,300 --> 00:26:42,067 "UNCLE BURT. YOU OUGHT TO REALIZE THAT. 598 00:26:42,067 --> 00:26:43,633 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, UNCLE BURT?" 599 00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:49,500 BUT, UH... NO, BUT, LISTEN, MAN, 600 00:26:49,500 --> 00:26:50,967 I DON'T MINIMIZE WHAT HE DOES, THOUGH, 601 00:26:50,967 --> 00:26:52,467 'CAUSE HE'S... HE, YOU KNOW, 602 00:26:52,467 --> 00:26:54,133 HE ADMITS THAT HE'S A ALCOHOLIC 603 00:26:54,133 --> 00:26:55,333 AND THAT HE'S WEAKER THAN A BOTTLE, 604 00:26:55,333 --> 00:26:56,400 AND THAT AIN'T EASY TO DO. 605 00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:57,700 I COULDN'T DO ANY OF THAT SHIT. 606 00:26:57,700 --> 00:26:59,233 I'M TOO PROUD, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 607 00:26:59,233 --> 00:27:00,633 I GOT TOO MUCH PRIDE, YOU KNOW. 608 00:27:00,633 --> 00:27:02,400 LIKE THEY SAY IN THE SCRIPTURES, 609 00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:04,633 "PRIDE GOETH BEFORE THE FALL," YOU KNOW. 610 00:27:04,633 --> 00:27:06,200 AND HE CAN SOMEHOW... 611 00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:08,900 YOU KNOW, IT'S A VERY BEAUTIFUL THING HE DOES. 612 00:27:08,900 --> 00:27:10,667 HE GOES TO ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, 613 00:27:10,667 --> 00:27:13,167 AND HE SAYS, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM, HE SAYS-- 614 00:27:13,167 --> 00:27:15,067 YOU KNOW, HE GOES IN FRONT OF A WHOLE ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE, 615 00:27:15,067 --> 00:27:17,167 AND HE SAYS, "I AM A ALCOHOLIC," YOU KNOW? 616 00:27:17,167 --> 00:27:20,667 WHICH I KNOW DOES NOT SOUND THAT ANONYMOUS. 617 00:27:20,667 --> 00:27:22,300 BUT... 618 00:27:22,300 --> 00:27:26,067 I DIDN'T NAME THE GROUP, BUT... 619 00:27:26,067 --> 00:27:29,300 SOUNDS LIKE THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF ANONYMOUS. 620 00:27:29,300 --> 00:27:31,067 WHATEVER. 621 00:27:33,933 --> 00:27:36,067 LIKE, TO ME, THE ALCOHOLICS THAT-- 622 00:27:36,067 --> 00:27:38,933 YOU KNOW, THE ANONYMOUS ALCOHOLICS TO ME 623 00:27:38,933 --> 00:27:42,067 WOULD BE LIKE YOU GUYS. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW, I... 624 00:27:42,067 --> 00:27:44,667 I CAN'T TELL. YOU KNOW? 625 00:27:44,667 --> 00:27:48,300 BUT ONCE YOU TELL A WHOLE CHURCH BASEMENT FULL OF PEOPLE, 626 00:27:48,300 --> 00:27:50,800 YOUR COVER'S PRETTY WELL BLOWN. 627 00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:52,167 BUT, UH... 628 00:27:52,167 --> 00:27:54,833 ANYWAYS, IT STILL REQUIRES A LOT OF... 629 00:27:54,833 --> 00:27:56,800 THE ONLY THING THEY SEEM TO BE ANONYMOUS ABOUT, 630 00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:58,233 FROM THE WAY I CAN GATHER IT, 631 00:27:58,233 --> 00:28:00,667 IS THEY WON'T TELL YOU THEIR LAST NAMES. 632 00:28:00,667 --> 00:28:02,367 ANYTHING ELSE GOES, YOU KNOW? 633 00:28:02,367 --> 00:28:05,167 BUT, UH, NOT THE LAST NAME. OH, NO. 634 00:28:05,167 --> 00:28:06,600 SOMETIMES, THEY'LL SAY THE FIRST-- 635 00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:08,433 LIKE THEY'LL GO, "I AM RICHIE, AND I AM A ALCOHOLIC." 636 00:28:08,433 --> 00:28:09,667 OR THE FIRST INITIAL. 637 00:28:09,667 --> 00:28:12,067 THEY'LL SAY, "HI, MY NAME IS RICHIE K., 638 00:28:12,067 --> 00:28:13,233 AND I AM A ALCOHOLIC." 639 00:28:13,233 --> 00:28:14,367 THEN ANYTHING GOES. 640 00:28:14,367 --> 00:28:17,100 THEY'RE LIKE, "AH HA HA, ONE TIME I, UH, 641 00:28:17,100 --> 00:28:20,367 "I REMEMBER I WAS UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF THE DEMON RUM, 642 00:28:20,367 --> 00:28:22,700 "AND, UH... 643 00:28:22,700 --> 00:28:28,367 "BY GOD I STARTED PUNCHING MY NEWBORN IN THE FACE. 644 00:28:28,367 --> 00:28:32,100 "AH HA, YEAH, IT WAS... 645 00:28:32,100 --> 00:28:33,700 "THEN I LOOKED DOWN AT MY FIST, 646 00:28:33,700 --> 00:28:36,233 "AND IT WAS ALL BLOODY WITH, UH... 647 00:28:36,233 --> 00:28:37,267 "I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS. 648 00:28:37,267 --> 00:28:38,767 "IT WAS EITHER FROM MY KNUCKLES 649 00:28:38,767 --> 00:28:42,367 "OR MY SON'S SKULL. 650 00:28:42,367 --> 00:28:45,067 "YEAH. 651 00:28:45,067 --> 00:28:46,900 "I'M NOT TELLING YOU MY LAST NAME. 652 00:28:46,900 --> 00:28:49,233 "THAT'S... 653 00:28:49,233 --> 00:28:51,367 "THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX. 654 00:28:51,367 --> 00:28:53,367 "AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, 655 00:28:53,367 --> 00:28:57,367 "A MAN SHOULD HAVE A LITTLE, YOU KNOW... 656 00:28:57,367 --> 00:28:58,733 "DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME 657 00:28:58,733 --> 00:29:00,967 "I BLEW A DOG FOR A PINT OF GIN? 658 00:29:00,967 --> 00:29:02,833 "I EVER TELL YOU THAT STORY? 659 00:29:02,833 --> 00:29:04,967 OH, YEAH, I TOLD-- I DID TELL YOU THAT ONE?" 660 00:29:07,267 --> 00:29:10,433 "FIRST INITIAL'S 'K,' I'LL GIVE YOU THAT MUCH. 661 00:29:10,433 --> 00:29:15,067 "RICHIE K., BUT I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU THE LAST LETTERS. 662 00:29:15,067 --> 00:29:16,333 "PLUS, YOU CAN MEMORIZE MY FACE. 663 00:29:16,333 --> 00:29:18,767 "BUT OTHER THAN THAT... 664 00:29:18,767 --> 00:29:22,167 "I WOULD LIKE TO KEEP THIS COMPLETELY ANONYMOUS. 665 00:29:22,167 --> 00:29:23,900 IF THERE WAS JUST A WAY I COULD..." 666 00:29:28,733 --> 00:29:30,700 AND WHAT BETTER WAY TO KEEP A SECRET, 667 00:29:30,700 --> 00:29:31,900 WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, 668 00:29:31,900 --> 00:29:36,067 THAN TELL A ROOM FULL OF DRUNKS? 669 00:29:36,067 --> 00:29:37,867 THAT'S NOT GOING ANYPLACE, YOU KNOW. 670 00:29:40,633 --> 00:29:42,067 SOON AS THE GUY HAS A RELAPSE, 671 00:29:42,067 --> 00:29:44,833 "HEY, RICHIE BLEW A DOG FOR A PINT OF GIN. 672 00:29:44,833 --> 00:29:48,233 HE TOLD A WHOLE BUNCH OF US." 673 00:29:48,233 --> 00:29:51,100 ALL RIGHT. 674 00:29:51,100 --> 00:29:52,867 I MEAN, I UNDERSTAND, THE DOG HAD SOME GIN. 675 00:29:52,867 --> 00:29:54,500 WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? 676 00:29:54,500 --> 00:29:57,200 "OH, YEAH, RICHIE K. YOU KNOW RICHIE K.?" 677 00:30:03,433 --> 00:30:06,300 BUT I DON'T DRINK MYSELF, YOU KNOW. 678 00:30:06,300 --> 00:30:08,133 IT'S NOT 'CAUSE I'M NO BIG-- I'M JUST AFRAID. 679 00:30:08,133 --> 00:30:09,867 YOU KNOW, I FEAR EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW. 680 00:30:09,867 --> 00:30:12,533 AND, UH, SO I'M AFRAID TO AND STUFF. 681 00:30:12,533 --> 00:30:14,633 BUT, UM...I USED TO. 682 00:30:14,633 --> 00:30:15,700 NOW I DON'T DRINK, 683 00:30:15,700 --> 00:30:17,433 AND WHEN YOU'RE WITH PEOPLE THAT DRINK, 684 00:30:17,433 --> 00:30:18,700 IT DOESN'T WORK OUT. 685 00:30:18,700 --> 00:30:20,700 THAT'S WHY THAT DESIGNATED DRIVER THING 686 00:30:20,700 --> 00:30:22,100 I DON'T THINK EVER WORKED OUT. 687 00:30:22,100 --> 00:30:23,700 I SEE ADS FOR IT AGAIN, 688 00:30:23,700 --> 00:30:25,767 LIKE, YOU KNOW, TRYING TO RESURRECT THAT IDEA, 689 00:30:25,767 --> 00:30:30,867 BUT IT'S KIND OF A FLAWED NOTION, YOU KNOW? 690 00:30:30,867 --> 00:30:32,767 IT'S LIKE, "HEY, BILL, LISTEN, 691 00:30:32,767 --> 00:30:35,167 "WE WERE WONDERING IF YOU'D COME OUT WITH US. 692 00:30:35,167 --> 00:30:36,900 HERE'S THE IDEA." 693 00:30:39,333 --> 00:30:41,800 "WE WANT TO GO OUT AND DRINK, 694 00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:43,867 "AND THEN WE WERE HOPING YOU'D COME WITH US 695 00:30:43,867 --> 00:30:46,067 "AND NOT DRINK. 696 00:30:46,067 --> 00:30:47,933 "HOW'S THAT SOUND TO YOU? 697 00:30:47,933 --> 00:30:51,433 "WE'RE GONNA GO TO A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT BARS AND DRINK, 698 00:30:51,433 --> 00:30:55,400 "AND THEN YOU'D COME WITH US AND NOT DRINK. 699 00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:58,000 "ALSO, WE'RE NOT GONNA BE DRIVING. 700 00:30:58,000 --> 00:31:02,333 "YOU'RE GONNA PICK US UP AT OUR DIFFERENT HOUSES, 701 00:31:02,333 --> 00:31:04,800 "GO TO A BUNCH OF BARS, 702 00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:06,900 "NOT DRINK WHILE WE DRINK, 703 00:31:06,900 --> 00:31:08,133 "AND THEN DRIVE US ALL HOME. 704 00:31:08,133 --> 00:31:10,067 "HOW'S THAT SOUND TO YOU? HOW'S-- 705 00:31:10,067 --> 00:31:11,800 HOW'S THAT CATCH YOU?" 706 00:31:13,567 --> 00:31:15,600 GUY'S LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW, WHAT'S THE CATCH? 707 00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:17,167 IT SOUNDS TOO GOOD." 708 00:31:19,700 --> 00:31:21,400 "IS THERE SOME SORT OF..." 709 00:31:26,067 --> 00:31:27,700 BUT I DON'T DRINK, AND IF YOU DON'T DRINK, 710 00:31:27,700 --> 00:31:29,967 I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, BARS ARE NOT A LOT OF FUN, 711 00:31:29,967 --> 00:31:32,600 BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, 712 00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:34,700 FUCKIN' ALL-- YOU KNOW, ALL IT IS 713 00:31:34,700 --> 00:31:37,767 IS YOU'RE JUST SITTING AT A BIG OAK TABLE FOR FOUR HOURS. 714 00:31:37,767 --> 00:31:39,133 IT'S NOT... 715 00:31:39,133 --> 00:31:41,667 THAT'S NOT FUN UNLESS YOU'RE DRUNK. 716 00:31:45,067 --> 00:31:47,067 AND THEN EVERYBODY ELSE'LL BE DRINKING, 717 00:31:47,067 --> 00:31:48,333 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, 718 00:31:48,333 --> 00:31:50,733 SO THEIR FUN IS GOING UP AND UP AND UP, YOU KNOW. 719 00:31:50,733 --> 00:31:53,067 IT'S RISING. THEIR FUN IS ESCALATING, 720 00:31:53,067 --> 00:31:56,933 WHILE YOUR FUN IS STAYING EXACTLY THE SAME. 721 00:31:56,933 --> 00:31:58,467 AND THEN BY THE END OF THE NIGHT, 722 00:31:58,467 --> 00:32:00,633 YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE LAUGHING ABOUT. 723 00:32:00,633 --> 00:32:03,900 JUST EVERYBODY'S LAUGHING. 724 00:32:03,900 --> 00:32:05,700 AND THEN THEY START RESENTING YOU FOR IT. 725 00:32:05,700 --> 00:32:07,100 I'VE SEEN THAT, MAN. 726 00:32:07,100 --> 00:32:10,900 DRUNK PEOPLE DO NOT WANT A NOT-DRUNK GUY THERE. 727 00:32:10,900 --> 00:32:13,467 I KNOW THAT. I'VE BEEN THERE SO MANY TIMES. 728 00:32:13,467 --> 00:32:14,933 IT ALWAYS ENDS THE SAME. 729 00:32:14,933 --> 00:32:16,067 GUY COMES UP TO YOU, GOES, 730 00:32:16,067 --> 00:32:19,900 "HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? 731 00:32:19,900 --> 00:32:22,467 "CHEER UP. 732 00:32:22,467 --> 00:32:24,967 AHH!" 733 00:32:27,667 --> 00:32:31,900 THEN YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, NOW I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME, TOO. 734 00:32:31,900 --> 00:32:36,700 "DON'T TAKE A WILD SWING AT ME WHEN I'M NOT LOOKING. 735 00:32:36,700 --> 00:32:40,533 "I'LL BE DRIVING YOU HOME LATER. 736 00:32:40,533 --> 00:32:42,433 THIS IS A LOT OF FUN." 737 00:32:47,167 --> 00:32:50,067 WORST THING ABOUT NOT DRINKING IS, UH, 738 00:32:50,067 --> 00:32:51,500 IS--IS SEX. 739 00:32:51,500 --> 00:32:52,900 BECAUSE IF YOU'RE DRINKING, 740 00:32:52,900 --> 00:32:54,600 YOU CAN MEET A GIRL, SHE'D BE DRUNK, 741 00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:57,600 AND THAT VERY NIGHT YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH HER, 742 00:32:57,600 --> 00:33:01,067 CALLED A ONE-NIGHT STAND. NOW... 743 00:33:01,067 --> 00:33:02,533 IF YOU'RE NOT DRINKING-- 744 00:33:02,533 --> 00:33:04,667 I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER HAD A ONE-NIGHT STAND 745 00:33:04,667 --> 00:33:08,233 DEAD, CLEAN SOBER... 746 00:33:08,233 --> 00:33:11,200 BUT I HAVE. 747 00:33:11,200 --> 00:33:14,267 AND IT'S NOT A LOT OF FUN. 748 00:33:15,867 --> 00:33:17,400 GET BACK TO YOUR APARTMENT, YOU'RE LIKE, 749 00:33:17,400 --> 00:33:21,267 "ALL RIGHT, I GUESS I'LL TAKE MY TROUSERS OFF NOW, MA'AM, AND... 750 00:33:21,267 --> 00:33:23,067 "NO, I WON'T. SORRY ABOUT THAT. 751 00:33:23,067 --> 00:33:25,667 "WELL, GOOD-BYE. IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU. 752 00:33:25,667 --> 00:33:26,767 "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING. 753 00:33:26,767 --> 00:33:28,900 "WE'RE HUMAN BEINGS. 754 00:33:28,900 --> 00:33:32,533 "ONCE AGAIN, I APOLOGIZE FOR THE TROUSERS INCIDENT. 755 00:33:32,533 --> 00:33:35,233 VERY NICE TO MEET YOU." 756 00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:40,900 BECAUSE BOOZE SOMEHOW-- I DON'T KNOW HOW IT WORKS. 757 00:33:40,900 --> 00:33:42,800 BUT IT'S SOME MAGIC ELIXIR 758 00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:44,867 WHERE IT TAKES AWAY THE-- 759 00:33:44,867 --> 00:33:47,600 IT MAKES YOU THINK THAT SEX IS NOT A DIRTY, 760 00:33:47,600 --> 00:33:50,367 FILTHY, SHAMEFUL THING. 761 00:33:50,367 --> 00:33:53,267 I DON'T KNOW HOW IT DOES IT, BUT IT DOES IT. 762 00:33:53,267 --> 00:33:55,333 AND, UH, IN REGULAR LIFE, 763 00:33:55,333 --> 00:33:57,367 THAT'S WHY SEX IS SO TOUGH TO GET GOING, 764 00:33:57,367 --> 00:34:01,767 BECAUSE IT'S SO SHAMEFUL AND FILTHY, AND, UH... 765 00:34:01,767 --> 00:34:04,333 OBVIOUSLY MEANT ONLY FOR PROCREATION. 766 00:34:04,333 --> 00:34:06,967 SO WHEN YOU GET-- WHEN YOU GET-- 767 00:34:06,967 --> 00:34:09,067 WHEN YOU DO IT, YOU KNOW-- 768 00:34:09,067 --> 00:34:10,433 AND MY FRIEND WAS LIKE, "OH, THERE'S NOTHING 769 00:34:10,433 --> 00:34:11,533 SHAMEFUL ABOUT SEX." 770 00:34:11,533 --> 00:34:12,800 BUT I WAS LIKE, "OF COURSE THERE IS." 771 00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:14,633 ON ACCOUNT OF I THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU DO BEFORE SEX, 772 00:34:14,633 --> 00:34:16,067 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE YOU-- 773 00:34:16,067 --> 00:34:18,767 YOU TAKE THE PHONE OFF THE HOOK AND EVERYTHING LIKE THAT. 774 00:34:18,767 --> 00:34:20,200 YOU MAKE SURE THE KIDS AREN'T AROUND OR WHATEVER. 775 00:34:20,200 --> 00:34:23,367 YOU KNOW? YOU PULL THE BLINDS DOWN, RIGHT? 776 00:34:23,367 --> 00:34:27,367 WHAT'S THAT? THAT'S SHAME. 777 00:34:27,367 --> 00:34:30,667 THAT'S WHAT BLINDS WERE MADE FOR. 778 00:34:30,667 --> 00:34:33,867 PULL DOWN, SHAME. 779 00:34:33,867 --> 00:34:35,500 YOU DON'T PULL THE BLINDS DOWN 780 00:34:35,500 --> 00:34:37,400 WHEN YOU'RE MAKING A NICE CHERRY PIE 781 00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:40,500 FOR OLD WIDOW HAMILTON, HUH? 782 00:34:40,500 --> 00:34:43,067 I NOTICE THEY STAY UP FOR THAT. 783 00:34:46,500 --> 00:34:48,733 POOR OLD WIDOW HAMILTON. 784 00:34:52,067 --> 00:34:54,600 HER OSTEOARTHRITIS NOW HAS BECOME SO BAD-- 785 00:34:54,600 --> 00:34:57,400 I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW WIDOW HAMILTON, BUT, UH... 786 00:34:57,400 --> 00:35:02,100 REALLY, HER ONLY JOY IN THE LATER YEARS 787 00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:04,367 HAS BECOME HER PIES, AND, UH... 788 00:35:04,367 --> 00:35:06,500 HER OSTEOARTHRITIS HAS BECOME SO BAD, 789 00:35:06,500 --> 00:35:08,467 SHE CAN'T KNEAD ANYMORE. 790 00:35:08,467 --> 00:35:10,900 YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE TO KNEAD. 791 00:35:10,900 --> 00:35:14,167 SHE'S NOW LOST HER ABILITY TO KNEAD. 792 00:35:14,167 --> 00:35:15,767 ANYWAYS... 793 00:35:15,767 --> 00:35:19,100 NO, I'M JUST SAYING, I DON'T WANT TO BOAST OR ANYTHING, 794 00:35:19,100 --> 00:35:20,367 BUT IF IT WASN'T FOR ME 795 00:35:20,367 --> 00:35:22,200 AND SOME OF THE OTHER MEMBERS OF THE COMMUNITY, 796 00:35:22,200 --> 00:35:26,667 I DON'T KNOW IF THE OLD BIRD WOULD STILL BE WITH US. 797 00:35:26,667 --> 00:35:28,933 BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT. THE POINT IS, 798 00:35:28,933 --> 00:35:32,567 SEX IS A FILTHY, SHAMEFUL THING. 799 00:35:32,567 --> 00:35:34,233 AND... 800 00:35:34,233 --> 00:35:36,367 LIKE, ALL RIGHT, ONE TIME, I READ THIS. 801 00:35:36,367 --> 00:35:39,100 THIS IS A THING I READ, UH, UH, BY A SCIENTIST. 802 00:35:39,100 --> 00:35:42,200 IT WAS IN ONE OF THOSE BIG SCIENCE BOOKS, YOU KNOW? 803 00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:44,200 OR ELSE IT WAS ONE LINE IN USA TODAY. 804 00:35:44,200 --> 00:35:47,067 I CAN'T REMEMBER. BUT... 805 00:35:47,067 --> 00:35:49,200 BUT IT SAID THIS. IT SAID, 806 00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:51,200 "SCIENTISTS NOW SAY 807 00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:57,067 THAT A MAN THINKS ABOUT SEX ONCE EVERY 7.3 SECONDS." 808 00:35:57,067 --> 00:35:58,267 NOW... 809 00:35:58,267 --> 00:36:00,633 NOW, OF COURSE, THAT'S HORSESHIT. 810 00:36:00,633 --> 00:36:04,133 LIKE, HOW COULD THAT POSSIBLY BE, YOU KNOW? 811 00:36:04,133 --> 00:36:05,333 YOU COULDN'T WALK DOWN THE STREET, 812 00:36:05,333 --> 00:36:09,833 "UH, COCK, PUSSY, ASS." 813 00:36:09,833 --> 00:36:11,533 YOU KNOW, YOU'D BLOW YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF 814 00:36:11,533 --> 00:36:13,600 BY THE SECOND DAY. 815 00:36:13,600 --> 00:36:15,700 AND, ALSO, I AM A MAN. 816 00:36:15,700 --> 00:36:18,400 I DON'T NEED NO SCIENTIST TELLING ME NOTHIN'. 817 00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:22,267 I KNOW WHAT I THINK ONCE EVERY 7.3 SECONDS. 818 00:36:22,267 --> 00:36:26,767 PLUS, I DON'T LIKE WHEN THEY USE DECIMALS LIKE THAT. 819 00:36:26,767 --> 00:36:28,733 YOU KNOW, GUY COULD HAVE SAID 820 00:36:28,733 --> 00:36:30,367 ONCE EVERY 10 OR 15 SECONDS. 821 00:36:30,367 --> 00:36:33,300 YOU KNOW, HE HAD TO PROVE HE WAS A SCIENTIST. 822 00:36:33,300 --> 00:36:34,667 BUT ANYWAYS, 823 00:36:34,667 --> 00:36:37,600 I KNOW WHAT I THINK ONCE EVERY 7.3 SECONDS. 824 00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:39,300 I'LL JUST BE WALKING DOWN THE STREET, YOU KNOW. 825 00:36:39,300 --> 00:36:40,467 YOU JUST, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE LIKE, 826 00:36:40,467 --> 00:36:41,700 "DOODLEY DO. HEY, THERE'S A BUILDING. 827 00:36:41,700 --> 00:36:43,067 "DOO DOO DOO DEE. 828 00:36:43,067 --> 00:36:44,167 "HEY, LOOK AT THAT. 829 00:36:44,167 --> 00:36:45,467 "GUY WEARING COWBOY BOOTS OVER THERE. 830 00:36:45,467 --> 00:36:48,067 "HOW 'BOUT THAT? HUH. 831 00:36:48,067 --> 00:36:52,233 "DOODLEY DOO. WONDER IF I SHOULD WEAR COWBOY BOOTS. 832 00:36:52,233 --> 00:36:55,067 "NAH, I'M TOO OLD FOR THAT STUFF. 833 00:36:55,067 --> 00:36:57,600 "OH, THERE'S THAT BUILDING AGAIN. 834 00:36:57,600 --> 00:36:59,400 "DOODLEY DOO. 835 00:36:59,400 --> 00:37:03,300 "HEY, MY ASS IS ITCHY OVER HERE. 836 00:37:03,300 --> 00:37:07,133 "I CAN'T SCRATCH MY ASS OUT HERE IN THE STREET. 837 00:37:07,133 --> 00:37:10,167 "HEY, WILLIE NELSON STILL WEARS COWBOY BOOTS. 838 00:37:10,167 --> 00:37:12,100 "BILLY JOE SHAVER, TOO. 839 00:37:12,100 --> 00:37:16,333 THOSE FELLAS MUST BE WELL NIGH THREESCORE AND TEN." 840 00:37:16,333 --> 00:37:18,933 ANYWAY, IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF MEANINGLESS GIBBERISH. 841 00:37:18,933 --> 00:37:20,067 THAT'S MY POINT. 842 00:37:20,067 --> 00:37:22,533 BUT IT'S NOT SEX. 843 00:37:22,533 --> 00:37:25,433 AND THEN, THE REAL TIME-- 844 00:37:25,433 --> 00:37:27,533 THIS IS THE AMOUNT OF TIME THAT YOU THINK ABOUT SEX. 845 00:37:27,533 --> 00:37:30,067 EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE. 846 00:37:30,067 --> 00:37:32,133 WHICH IS... NOT A SCIEN-- 847 00:37:32,133 --> 00:37:35,267 SCIENTISTS DON'T LIKE THAT TERM. 848 00:37:35,267 --> 00:37:37,500 BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE YOU THINK ABOUT IT, 849 00:37:37,500 --> 00:37:40,333 AND, UH, YOU KNOW, LIKE, I THINK ABOUT IT 850 00:37:40,333 --> 00:37:41,367 EVERY COUPLE DAYS. 851 00:37:41,367 --> 00:37:42,367 OR IF YOU'RE A YOUNGER MAN, 852 00:37:42,367 --> 00:37:43,467 YOU PROBABLY THINK ABOUT IT MORE. 853 00:37:43,467 --> 00:37:44,467 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 854 00:37:44,467 --> 00:37:45,767 BUT THEN THE PROBLEM BECOMES, 855 00:37:45,767 --> 00:37:47,067 WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, 856 00:37:47,067 --> 00:37:48,100 IT'S ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT. 857 00:37:48,100 --> 00:37:49,200 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 858 00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:51,233 IT JUST ENCOMPASSES YOUR WHOLE BRAIN. 859 00:37:51,233 --> 00:37:53,400 YOU KNOW, YOU'RE JUST LIKE, "AAH!" 860 00:37:53,400 --> 00:37:54,767 YOU'RE LIKE A-- 861 00:37:54,767 --> 00:37:58,333 LIKE A FUCKING WEREWOLF OR SOMETHING, LIKE... 862 00:37:58,333 --> 00:38:00,767 USUALLY, YOU'RE A CIVILIZED HUMAN BEING. 863 00:38:00,767 --> 00:38:03,233 BUT THEN EVERY COUPLE DAYS, YOU'RE LIKE, "AH HAH... 864 00:38:05,500 --> 00:38:06,767 AH HAH." 865 00:38:06,767 --> 00:38:09,400 AND THEN YOU GOTTA CLOSE THE BLINDS, YOU KNOW? 866 00:38:09,400 --> 00:38:10,467 AND THEN... 867 00:38:10,467 --> 00:38:13,567 [cheers and applause] "AGH AHH... 868 00:38:13,567 --> 00:38:15,700 "AHH, THE BEDROOM. GOTTA GO BACK TO THE BEDROOM. 869 00:38:15,700 --> 00:38:18,567 AGH, TAKE A LADY BACK THERE. AGH." 870 00:38:18,567 --> 00:38:20,267 AND THEN YOU GO TO YOUR BEDROOM, 871 00:38:20,267 --> 00:38:22,267 WHICH NORMALLY, I LOVE THE BEDROOM. 872 00:38:22,267 --> 00:38:24,867 IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PLACE WHERE YOU CAN, YOU KNOW, 873 00:38:24,867 --> 00:38:29,633 FINALLY ESCAPE THIS HELLISH JOKE WE CALL A LIFE, AND JUST... 874 00:38:29,633 --> 00:38:31,600 YOU KNOW, LIE ON YOUR TEMPUR-PEDIC PILLOW 875 00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:33,167 AND, UH... 876 00:38:33,167 --> 00:38:35,867 DREAM OF JELLY ROLLS AND STUFF LIKE THAT. 877 00:38:35,867 --> 00:38:38,133 BUT NOT WHEN YOU'RE IN THIS STATE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 878 00:38:38,133 --> 00:38:39,633 THEN YOU GO IN, YOU'RE LIKE, "AAGHH!" 879 00:38:39,633 --> 00:38:42,467 AND THE THINGS THAT YOU DO IN THAT BEDROOM... 880 00:38:42,467 --> 00:38:44,600 GOOD LORD GOD, IT'S-- 881 00:38:44,600 --> 00:38:47,067 IT'S BEYOND THE IMAGINATION 882 00:38:47,067 --> 00:38:49,567 OF YOU AS A CIVILIZED HUMAN BEING MOST OF THE TIME. 883 00:38:49,567 --> 00:38:51,067 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? YOU'RE IN THERE, YOU'RE LIKE, 884 00:38:51,067 --> 00:38:52,733 "AAHH! AAGH! 885 00:38:52,733 --> 00:38:54,600 "RAHR AH HAH! 886 00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:58,200 AGHH!" YOUR FUCKING MIND'S GONE. 887 00:38:58,200 --> 00:39:03,067 YOUR MIND IS GONE. THAT'S ALL I KNOW. 888 00:39:03,067 --> 00:39:06,233 YOU EVER ACTUALLY SAY THINGS THAT YOU'RE DOING? 889 00:39:06,233 --> 00:39:07,767 YOUR MIND'S FUCKING SO GONE, YOU'RE LIKE, 890 00:39:07,767 --> 00:39:10,133 "I AM FUCKING YOU! AAAH! 891 00:39:10,133 --> 00:39:13,500 MY COCK IS GOING-- AHH HAH!" 892 00:39:18,733 --> 00:39:22,700 AND THE LADY'S LIKE, "YEAH, I KNOW, WHATEVER." 893 00:39:22,700 --> 00:39:24,167 "YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY IT." 894 00:39:27,733 --> 00:39:29,733 LADIES DON'T HAVE THAT "AAGH" THING. 895 00:39:29,733 --> 00:39:31,233 THEY'RE-- THEY'RE MORE ELEVATED. 896 00:39:31,233 --> 00:39:33,800 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY-- I CAN'T SPEAK FOR LADIES. 897 00:39:33,800 --> 00:39:36,067 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY DO... 898 00:39:36,067 --> 00:39:37,933 IN THE BEDROOM. 899 00:39:37,933 --> 00:39:39,233 I THINK THEY JUST TRY AND MAKE A NOISE 900 00:39:39,233 --> 00:39:40,633 THEY THINK YOU WILL LIKE, YOU KNOW? 901 00:39:40,633 --> 00:39:42,267 THAT'S ABOUT... 902 00:39:42,267 --> 00:39:43,967 THEY'RE LIKE, UH, "WHOO! HOW'S THAT?" 903 00:39:43,967 --> 00:39:46,300 YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH, THAT'S FINE. AAAGH!" 904 00:39:51,233 --> 00:39:55,933 BUT...GIRLS DON'T HAVE THE SAME THING. 905 00:39:55,933 --> 00:39:59,100 YOU KNOW HOW YOU CAN REALLY KNOW THAT, 906 00:39:59,100 --> 00:40:01,633 IS, YOU EVER BE HAVING SEX WITH A LADY, THE PHONE RINGS? 907 00:40:01,633 --> 00:40:03,633 LADY CAN ANSWER THE PHONE. 908 00:40:03,633 --> 00:40:05,367 WHILST YOU'RE HAVING SEX. 909 00:40:05,367 --> 00:40:06,900 SHE'S LIKE, "OOH, YES, THAT'S GOOD. 910 00:40:06,900 --> 00:40:08,433 WHATEVER THAT IS. AHH." 911 00:40:08,433 --> 00:40:10,533 AND THEN THE PHONE RINGS. SHE'S LIKE, "HELLO?" 912 00:40:10,533 --> 00:40:13,167 AND YOU'RE LIKE, "AAGH." 913 00:40:13,167 --> 00:40:15,133 JUST...SHE'S LIKE, "OH, HI, MARCIE. 914 00:40:15,133 --> 00:40:18,633 "WHAT'S GOING ON? 915 00:40:18,633 --> 00:40:22,633 [scoffs] "WELL, YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET IT BACK. 916 00:40:22,633 --> 00:40:26,633 "BECAUSE IT'S SHIRLEY. 917 00:40:26,633 --> 00:40:29,167 "WELL, DON'T-- NO, IT'S NOT YOU, HONEY. 918 00:40:29,167 --> 00:40:34,367 "IT'S-- YOU'RE TOO GOOD, IT'S... 919 00:40:34,367 --> 00:40:37,133 "DON'T YOU REMEMBER THE BLOUSE? 920 00:40:37,133 --> 00:40:39,367 "LOOK, SWEETIE, I'M ON YOUR SIDE. 921 00:40:39,367 --> 00:40:41,367 "I'LL TALK TO YOU TOMORROW. WE'LL HAVE A, UH, 922 00:40:41,367 --> 00:40:43,867 "WE'LL GO TO LUNCH, HAVE A, UH... 923 00:40:43,867 --> 00:40:46,300 ENDIVE SALAD." WHATEVER THE FUCK. 924 00:40:46,300 --> 00:40:48,267 I DON'T KNOW WHAT LADIES EAT. 925 00:40:48,267 --> 00:40:50,033 AND THEN THEY CAN GO BACK, YOU KNOW, AND GO, "GO AHEAD." 926 00:40:50,033 --> 00:40:51,200 YOU KNOW, AND YOU'RE LIKE, "AGH!" 927 00:40:51,200 --> 00:40:54,533 BUT...THE POINT IS, A GUY COULD NEVER-- 928 00:40:54,533 --> 00:40:56,100 THE GUY WOULD NEVER ANSWER THE PHONE. 929 00:40:56,100 --> 00:40:57,500 IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE, YOU KNOW? 930 00:40:57,500 --> 00:40:58,667 YOU CAN BE LIKE, "AAH!" THE DING-DING. 931 00:40:58,667 --> 00:41:00,367 "AHH! HELLO? AHH! 932 00:41:00,367 --> 00:41:02,867 "OH, YEAH. HEY, FRANK, WHAT'S GOING ON? 933 00:41:02,867 --> 00:41:04,867 "YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT SHIRT. WHAT? I'M ABOUT TO-- 934 00:41:04,867 --> 00:41:07,333 I GOTTA GO! AAGH!" 935 00:41:07,333 --> 00:41:09,700 YOU KNOW. 936 00:41:09,700 --> 00:41:13,867 FRANK'S CLEARLY NOT GETTING HIS SHIRT BACK, BUT... 937 00:41:13,867 --> 00:41:15,867 YOU GOT NO TIME FOR IT, YOU KNOW? 938 00:41:15,867 --> 00:41:17,633 YOU GOT-- YOUR HEAD'S GONE. 939 00:41:21,333 --> 00:41:24,400 BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHEN YOU KNOW SEX IS THE MOST SHAMEFUL, 940 00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:26,067 WHEN YOU FEEL IT THE MOST, 941 00:41:26,067 --> 00:41:30,067 IS A MOMENT AFTER SEX... 942 00:41:30,067 --> 00:41:34,433 THE MOMENT, THE SMALLEST AMOUNT OF TIME IN PHYSICS, 943 00:41:34,433 --> 00:41:37,067 THE MOMENT RIGHT AFTER SEX. 944 00:41:37,067 --> 00:41:39,667 THAT'S WHEN YOU'RE JUST A VESSEL OF SHAME, YOU KNOW? 945 00:41:39,667 --> 00:41:41,300 IT'S LIKE...YOU'RE JUST LYING THERE LIKE, 946 00:41:41,300 --> 00:41:43,967 [whimpers] 947 00:41:43,967 --> 00:41:47,267 "WELL, THAT WAS ODD, HUH?" 948 00:41:47,267 --> 00:41:49,067 [chuckles] 949 00:41:49,067 --> 00:41:52,333 "I GUESS I'LL GO GET SOME SOUR CREAM AND ONION CHIPS NOW IF..." 950 00:41:55,133 --> 00:41:58,200 "I'D PREFER IF WE NEVER SPOKE OF THIS AGAIN. 951 00:41:58,200 --> 00:42:00,167 WOULD THAT BE OKAY?" 952 00:42:03,900 --> 00:42:05,900 THAT'S WHY I NEVER UNDERSTOOD GUYS 953 00:42:05,900 --> 00:42:07,300 THAT ADD MORE SHAME TO IT. 954 00:42:07,300 --> 00:42:08,333 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 955 00:42:08,333 --> 00:42:09,900 AS IF IT'S NOT SHAMEFUL ENOUGH, 956 00:42:09,900 --> 00:42:12,567 SOME PEOPLE WILL PILE ON MORE SHAME, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 957 00:42:12,567 --> 00:42:14,700 LIKE YOU EVER READ ABOUT THOSE GUYS, LIKE THEY'LL... 958 00:42:14,700 --> 00:42:16,567 WEAR A RUBBER SUIT OF SOME FUCKING THING. 959 00:42:16,567 --> 00:42:18,500 AND A LADY'LL WHIP THEIR BALLS, 960 00:42:18,500 --> 00:42:19,900 OR I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK. 961 00:42:19,900 --> 00:42:22,667 BUT...IT ALL ENDS UP THE SAME, YOU KNOW. 962 00:42:22,667 --> 00:42:24,367 YOU'RE STILL LIKE, "HEH HEH HEH." 963 00:42:24,367 --> 00:42:26,700 BUT NOW YOU GOT A CRAZY GETUP ON. 964 00:42:28,533 --> 00:42:30,900 "ALL RIGHT, THEN. 965 00:42:30,900 --> 00:42:35,133 "WHY DON'T YOU GO TURN ON MATLOCK, AND, UH... 966 00:42:35,133 --> 00:42:38,433 "I'LL TAKE THESE RUBBER TROUSERS OFF AND... 967 00:42:38,433 --> 00:42:40,167 PUT THOSE IN THE HAMPER." 968 00:42:46,833 --> 00:42:50,533 SO I'M VERY ASHAMED OF SEX AND EVERYTHING. 969 00:42:50,533 --> 00:42:51,767 SOME PEOPLE ARE PROUD OF IT, THOUGH. 970 00:42:51,767 --> 00:42:54,400 I HAVE MET GUYS THAT ARE PROUD OF THEIR SEXUAL, 971 00:42:54,400 --> 00:42:55,900 LIKE, PROWESS. 972 00:42:55,900 --> 00:42:58,633 YOU EVER HEAR THAT WORD? I READ THAT ONCE. 973 00:42:58,633 --> 00:43:01,767 IT'S, UH, IT MEANS LIKE, HOW GOOD THEY ARE AT SEX. 974 00:43:01,767 --> 00:43:03,600 THEY'LL PRA-- BRAG ABOUT IT. 975 00:43:03,600 --> 00:43:05,533 THEY'LL GO, "I'LL TELL YOU, MAN, WHAT I'M GOOD AT 976 00:43:05,533 --> 00:43:07,767 IS, YOU KNOW, FUCKIN' AND SUCKIN'." 977 00:43:10,533 --> 00:43:13,200 SEEMS LIKE THE ODDEST THING, YOU KNOW. 978 00:43:13,200 --> 00:43:15,567 'CAUSE HOW HARD IS SEX? 979 00:43:15,567 --> 00:43:17,567 YOU KNOW, IT'S ONE OF THE EASIEST THINGS 980 00:43:17,567 --> 00:43:18,767 THAT YOU COULD-- 981 00:43:18,767 --> 00:43:22,500 IT'S NOT LIKE DARTS OR SOMETHING, YOU KNOW. 982 00:43:22,500 --> 00:43:25,467 HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED DARTS? IT'S LIKE, "AH, WHAT? 983 00:43:25,467 --> 00:43:27,933 "TRIPLE? I CAN'T-- 984 00:43:27,933 --> 00:43:32,200 I KEEP GETTING FOUR." 985 00:43:32,200 --> 00:43:33,667 I DON'T KNOW, BUT... 986 00:43:33,667 --> 00:43:36,867 SEX COULDN'T BE SIMPLER. 987 00:43:36,867 --> 00:43:39,200 HEY, THERE'S ONLY LIKE FIVE THINGS YOU CAN DO 988 00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:40,600 IN THE WHOLE FUCKING THING. 989 00:43:40,600 --> 00:43:42,400 YOU KNOW? 990 00:43:42,400 --> 00:43:43,867 YOU EVER THINK YOU INVENTED A SIXTH? 991 00:43:43,867 --> 00:43:46,100 YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT ABOUT THIS? AAGH!" 992 00:43:48,067 --> 00:43:49,967 THEN LATER, YOU GO, "AH, IN ALL HUMILITY, 993 00:43:49,967 --> 00:43:52,533 I GUESS THAT WAS PRETTY CLOSE TO NUMBER FIVE." 994 00:43:58,533 --> 00:43:59,800 YOU KNOW WHO'S REALLY-- 995 00:43:59,800 --> 00:44:02,067 YOU KNOW WHO'S REALLY PROUD OF THEIR SEX? 996 00:44:02,067 --> 00:44:06,167 YOU EVER HEAR GUYS WITH SMALL COCKS TALK ABOUT IT? 997 00:44:06,167 --> 00:44:07,900 SMALL COCK GUYS. THEM GUYS. 998 00:44:07,900 --> 00:44:11,067 HOLY LORD. CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT ENOUGH. 999 00:44:11,067 --> 00:44:13,200 THEY EVEN GOT POEMS. YOU KNOW, THEY'LL SAY, 1000 00:44:13,200 --> 00:44:15,767 "AH, IT'S NOT THE MOTION OF THE OCEAN, 1001 00:44:15,767 --> 00:44:17,700 IT'S THE BOAT OF THE LOTION." 1002 00:44:17,700 --> 00:44:19,167 I DON'T KNOW. 1003 00:44:19,167 --> 00:44:21,900 I DON'T KNOW THE--I DON'T MEMORIZE THE POEMS. 1004 00:44:21,900 --> 00:44:23,433 BUT... 1005 00:44:23,433 --> 00:44:25,367 I'VE EVEN HEARD VARIANTS OF THE SAME POEM. 1006 00:44:25,367 --> 00:44:27,467 IT'S LIKE, "IT'S NOT THE TREE OR THE SIZE, 1007 00:44:27,467 --> 00:44:29,167 IT'S THE AX THAT YOU WHACKS." 1008 00:44:29,167 --> 00:44:31,067 I DON'T KNOW. 1009 00:44:31,067 --> 00:44:33,167 BUT, UH, IT'S... 1010 00:44:33,167 --> 00:44:34,900 IT'S A LITTLE SUB GENRE OF POETRY NOW 1011 00:44:34,900 --> 00:44:40,067 THAT'S TAUGHT IN MANY OF OUR FINER INSTITUTIONS. 1012 00:44:40,067 --> 00:44:42,433 TURNS OUT GUYS WITH SMALL COCKS, 1013 00:44:42,433 --> 00:44:43,700 NOTHING THEY LIKE MORE 1014 00:44:43,700 --> 00:44:45,933 THAN JUST SPOUTIN' FREE VERSE AT HOME 1015 00:44:45,933 --> 00:44:48,167 ABOUT THEIR... 1016 00:44:48,167 --> 00:44:50,633 AND THE... [chuckling] 1017 00:44:50,633 --> 00:44:54,167 THE SUBTEXT OF EVERY ONE OF THESE BEAUTIFUL POEMS 1018 00:44:54,167 --> 00:44:57,267 IS, UH, IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BIG YOUR COCK IS, 1019 00:44:57,267 --> 00:44:59,167 IT'S WHAT YOU DO WITH IT. 1020 00:44:59,167 --> 00:45:02,633 YOU KNOW? 1021 00:45:02,633 --> 00:45:05,233 LIKE THE GUY WITH THE GIANT COCK WOULD HAVE NO CLUE. 1022 00:45:05,233 --> 00:45:07,900 YOU KNOW, HOW WOULD... 1023 00:45:07,900 --> 00:45:11,500 HOW WOULD HE POSSIBLY KNOW? 1024 00:45:11,500 --> 00:45:14,067 IT'S LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU PUT IT IN, AND THEN YOU... 1025 00:45:14,067 --> 00:45:16,100 "I'M STUMPED. I DON'T KNOW." 1026 00:45:17,900 --> 00:45:20,067 "IT'S IRONIC--EVERYONE WANTS MY GIANT COCK, 1027 00:45:20,067 --> 00:45:22,533 "BUT... 1028 00:45:22,533 --> 00:45:25,067 "I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER SOLVE THIS... 1029 00:45:25,067 --> 00:45:28,567 "RUBRIC. I DON'T KNOW, I... 1030 00:45:28,567 --> 00:45:32,967 "IF ONLY IT WAS SMALLER AND EASIER TO MANEUVER, I... 1031 00:45:32,967 --> 00:45:34,500 "I CAN'T-- I CAN'T FIGURE IT. 1032 00:45:34,500 --> 00:45:35,900 I DON'T KNOW." 1033 00:45:41,633 --> 00:45:44,300 OH, MAN. 1034 00:45:44,300 --> 00:45:47,667 THE FUCKING CAMERA FUCKING TAKING A PICTURE OF... 1035 00:45:47,667 --> 00:45:49,933 WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? YOU JUST LIKE THAT-- 1036 00:45:49,933 --> 00:45:52,667 THAT GUY JUST CLEARLY LIKES THAT LADY. 1037 00:45:52,667 --> 00:45:57,933 HE'S LIKE A HALF AN INCH AWAY FROM HER VAGINA 1038 00:45:57,933 --> 00:46:00,533 WITH THE CAMERA. 1039 00:46:00,533 --> 00:46:02,767 WHAT IS THAT? 1040 00:46:02,767 --> 00:46:03,800 WE GOT THE TV HERE. 1041 00:46:03,800 --> 00:46:06,400 THE TV IS WITH US. 1042 00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:08,500 YOU GUYS ARE GONNA BE ON THE TV. 1043 00:46:08,500 --> 00:46:10,133 MOSTLY, IT'S GONNA BE ME TALKING, 1044 00:46:10,133 --> 00:46:12,167 AND THEN SOMEHOW, IT'LL CUT TO A SHOT 1045 00:46:12,167 --> 00:46:13,833 OF THIS LADY'S VAGINA. 1046 00:46:13,833 --> 00:46:16,767 DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND. 1047 00:46:19,733 --> 00:46:21,867 HAS HE GIVEN YOU HIS BUSINESS CARD YET? 1048 00:46:24,667 --> 00:46:26,467 NO, LISTEN, UM... 1049 00:46:26,467 --> 00:46:29,500 HEY, IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE IN SAN FRANCISCO. 1050 00:46:29,500 --> 00:46:33,067 UH, THIS IS THE FIRST WEEK OF, UH, THE GOLF, YOU KNOW, 1051 00:46:33,067 --> 00:46:36,200 AND TIGER IS, UH, MY FAVORITE GOLFER EVER, YOU KNOW. 1052 00:46:36,200 --> 00:46:37,733 AND, YOU KNOW, HE WENT TO STANFORD. 1053 00:46:37,733 --> 00:46:39,733 IF YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW THAT, WHICH IS AWESOME. 1054 00:46:39,733 --> 00:46:42,767 AND, UH, I'M HOPING THIS IS HIS YEAR, MAN, 1055 00:46:42,767 --> 00:46:44,667 'CAUSE I FEEL BAD FOR THE GUY, YOU KNOW. 1056 00:46:44,667 --> 00:46:47,967 AND, UH, GOD DAMN, IT'S TOO BAD THAT HAPPENED AND EVERYTHING. 1057 00:46:47,967 --> 00:46:52,800 AND, UH, YOU KNOW, WHATEVER. 1058 00:46:52,800 --> 00:46:56,633 I JUST HOPE HE DOES GOOD, THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING. 1059 00:46:56,633 --> 00:46:58,467 IT WAS FUNNY, AT THE TIME IT HAPPENED, 1060 00:46:58,467 --> 00:47:01,633 I--YOU KNOW, YOU GET SO, LIKE, NAIVE 1061 00:47:01,633 --> 00:47:03,200 ABOUT THINGS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 1062 00:47:03,200 --> 00:47:06,167 LIKE I REMEMBER I WAS, LIKE, OUTRAGED AND EVERYTHING. 1063 00:47:06,167 --> 00:47:08,133 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I WAS THINKING, YOU KNOW? 1064 00:47:08,133 --> 00:47:09,967 LIKE I DON'T KNOW WHAT I THOUGHT HIS LIFE WAS, 1065 00:47:09,967 --> 00:47:12,167 BUT I REMEMBER AT THE TIME GOING, "WHAT?! 1066 00:47:12,167 --> 00:47:13,400 "I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. 1067 00:47:13,400 --> 00:47:15,800 "ARE YOU TELLING ME-- YOU TELL-- 1068 00:47:15,800 --> 00:47:18,767 "ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME 1069 00:47:18,767 --> 00:47:21,067 "THAT THAT GUY IS WORTH 6 BILLION. 1070 00:47:21,067 --> 00:47:22,767 "YOU'RE TELLING ME 1071 00:47:22,767 --> 00:47:24,700 "THAT THE WORLD'S GREATEST ATHLETE OVER THERE, 1072 00:47:24,700 --> 00:47:26,233 "TIGER WOODS, YOU'RE TELLING ME 1073 00:47:26,233 --> 00:47:28,067 "THAT THAT GUY, 1074 00:47:28,067 --> 00:47:31,800 "THAT SUPER HANDSOME, CHARISMATIC DUDE 1075 00:47:31,800 --> 00:47:34,567 "LIKES TO LIE DOWN WITH LADIES? I DON'T BUY IT. 1076 00:47:34,567 --> 00:47:36,067 "I... 1077 00:47:36,067 --> 00:47:39,767 "DON'T BUY THAT FOR ONE SECOND. 1078 00:47:39,767 --> 00:47:41,967 DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE." 1079 00:47:45,067 --> 00:47:47,300 AND THEN WHEN IT TURNED OUT TO BE TRUE, 1080 00:47:47,300 --> 00:47:49,900 I WAS ALL, LIKE, OUTRAGED LIKE AN IDIOT, YOU KNOW. 1081 00:47:49,900 --> 00:47:51,500 I WAS LIKE, "AHH! 1082 00:47:51,500 --> 00:47:55,733 "I DON'T LIKE HYPOCRITES. 1083 00:47:55,733 --> 00:47:57,933 "I DON'T CARE FOR THAT. I-- 1084 00:47:57,933 --> 00:48:00,700 "HE ALWAYS PRESENTED HIMSELF IN PUBLIC 1085 00:48:00,700 --> 00:48:02,333 AS A GOLFER." 1086 00:48:04,833 --> 00:48:06,067 "I WOULD SEE HIM ON TV. 1087 00:48:06,067 --> 00:48:07,533 "HE'D BE HITTING A GOLF BALL AND SHIT, 1088 00:48:07,533 --> 00:48:09,200 "AND THE GOLF BALL WOULD GET NEAR THE HOLE. 1089 00:48:09,200 --> 00:48:12,267 "THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. 1090 00:48:12,267 --> 00:48:14,967 "I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS LEADING SOME KIND OF DOUBLE LIFE 1091 00:48:14,967 --> 00:48:16,733 "WHERE HE WAS GOLFING BY DAY 1092 00:48:16,733 --> 00:48:20,267 "AND LAYING DOWN WITH LADIES AT THE NIGHT. 1093 00:48:20,267 --> 00:48:21,533 "IF I'D KNOWN THAT, 1094 00:48:21,533 --> 00:48:23,300 "I NEVER WOULD HAVE BOUGHT THE FUCKING BUICK 1095 00:48:23,300 --> 00:48:27,300 "IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU KNOW. 1096 00:48:27,300 --> 00:48:29,933 "NOW I'M DRIVING DOWN THE STREET IN MY BUICK, 1097 00:48:29,933 --> 00:48:32,100 PEOPLE SNICKERING AT ME." 1098 00:48:34,433 --> 00:48:36,933 I DON'T KNOW. 1099 00:48:36,933 --> 00:48:38,567 I DON'T KNOW WHAT I THOUGHT HIS LIFE WAS. 1100 00:48:38,567 --> 00:48:39,900 I TRY TO REMEMBER BACK, YOU KNOW? 1101 00:48:39,900 --> 00:48:41,067 'CAUSE WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT, 1102 00:48:41,067 --> 00:48:42,833 OF COURSE, IT MAKES COMPLETE SENSE, YOU KNOW. 1103 00:48:42,833 --> 00:48:44,067 WHAT DO YOU THINK, HE'S LIKE, 1104 00:48:44,067 --> 00:48:45,767 "HEY, I'M TIGER WOODS. 1105 00:48:45,767 --> 00:48:48,567 "I JUST WON THE TIGER SLAM LAST-- 1106 00:48:48,567 --> 00:48:50,467 "I HAVE SIPPED FROM THE CLARET JUG, 1107 00:48:50,467 --> 00:48:52,067 "AND I'VE HOISTED THE WANAMAKER TROPHY. 1108 00:48:52,067 --> 00:48:54,567 "HERE I AM TRYING ON MY SECOND GREEN JACKET. 1109 00:48:54,567 --> 00:48:55,967 "WHAT SHOULD I DO TONIGHT? 1110 00:48:55,967 --> 00:48:57,467 "I KNOW, I'LL GO BACK TO MY HOTEL ROOM ALONE 1111 00:48:57,467 --> 00:48:59,333 "ALL BY MYSELF. 1112 00:48:59,333 --> 00:49:02,600 "THAT'LL BE FUN. 1113 00:49:02,600 --> 00:49:05,133 "I UNDERSTAND THERE'S A CARD SHARKS MARATHON 1114 00:49:05,133 --> 00:49:08,067 "ON GSN TONIGHT. 1115 00:49:08,067 --> 00:49:10,733 "I'LL INVITE MARK CALCAVECCHIA OVER, 1116 00:49:10,733 --> 00:49:11,933 "AND WE'LL HAVE A... 1117 00:49:11,933 --> 00:49:13,767 WE'LL HAVE A GRAND OLD TIME TOGETHER." 1118 00:49:13,767 --> 00:49:16,567 WHAT THE FUCK? 1119 00:49:16,567 --> 00:49:18,633 "I'LL JUST GET SOME ROOM SERVICE. 1120 00:49:18,633 --> 00:49:20,367 "HELLO. UH, YEAH, I'D LIKE, TO... 1121 00:49:20,367 --> 00:49:21,733 "OH, HI. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 1122 00:49:21,733 --> 00:49:23,233 "CHRISTINE. CHRISTINE. 1123 00:49:23,233 --> 00:49:25,967 "YEAH, LISTEN, I'D LIKE TO GET A CHICKEN BREAST SANDWICH. 1124 00:49:25,967 --> 00:49:28,533 "NO, I DON'T WANT A BLOW JOB TO END ALL BLOW JOBS. 1125 00:49:28,533 --> 00:49:31,267 "I WANT... 1126 00:49:31,267 --> 00:49:34,400 "A CHICKEN BREAST SANDWICH... 1127 00:49:34,400 --> 00:49:37,833 "WITH A PICKLE. CAN I GET A PICKLE WITH IT? 1128 00:49:37,833 --> 00:49:40,267 "CAN I GET AN EIGHTH OF A PICKLE? 1129 00:49:40,267 --> 00:49:43,933 "LIKE, LENGTHWISE SLICED SO I JUST HAVE 1/8. 1130 00:49:43,933 --> 00:49:45,467 YOU HAVE ANYTHING LIKE THAT DOWN THERE?" 1131 00:49:49,767 --> 00:49:51,700 BUT, SEE, I DON'T THINK THAT HE'S LIKE A... 1132 00:49:51,700 --> 00:49:53,067 PEOPLE ALL THINK OF HIM 1133 00:49:53,067 --> 00:49:54,967 AS A SEXUAL PREDATOR OR SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, BUT-- 1134 00:49:54,967 --> 00:49:56,900 LIKE IN THE--LIKE THE-- BUT I DON'T THINK THAT. 1135 00:49:56,900 --> 00:49:58,367 I THINK THE GIRLS WENT AFTER HIM. 1136 00:49:58,367 --> 00:50:00,533 YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK HE'S TROLLING THROUGH PERKINS 1137 00:50:00,533 --> 00:50:02,533 TRYING TO FIND WAITRESSES, YOU KNOW? 1138 00:50:02,533 --> 00:50:04,500 I THINK... 1139 00:50:04,500 --> 00:50:06,833 IT'S LIKE HE'S IN PERKINS WITH HIS LOVELY WIFE, 1140 00:50:06,833 --> 00:50:08,433 ENJOYING A PIECE OF PIE, YOU KNOW, 1141 00:50:08,433 --> 00:50:09,667 AND THEN HE LEAVES, 1142 00:50:09,667 --> 00:50:11,033 AND THEN THE WAITRESS RUNS OUT AND SHE GOES, 1143 00:50:11,033 --> 00:50:12,867 "OH, WAIT, YOU FORGOT THIS THING, 1144 00:50:12,867 --> 00:50:15,367 PLUS I'LL FUCK YOU TOMORROW IF YOU COME BACK." 1145 00:50:15,367 --> 00:50:17,667 HE'S LIKE, "OKAY, WELL, THE..." 1146 00:50:19,700 --> 00:50:21,000 SO HE HAS THE, YOU KNOW, 1147 00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:24,033 THE TEMPTATIONS OF THE FLESH ALL THE TIME, YOU KNOW, 1148 00:50:24,033 --> 00:50:30,867 AND SO, YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA TAKE THAT INTO ACCOUNT. 1149 00:50:30,867 --> 00:50:33,400 AND TIGER, HE'S NOT LIKE US. 1150 00:50:33,400 --> 00:50:34,833 HE'S NOT LIKE A REGULAR GUY. 1151 00:50:34,833 --> 00:50:35,900 HE'S LIKE A ROCK STAR. 1152 00:50:35,900 --> 00:50:37,733 A REGULAR GUY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, 1153 00:50:37,733 --> 00:50:39,133 HE DOESN'T HAVE THAT MUCH-- HOW... 1154 00:50:39,133 --> 00:50:40,467 LIKE A GUY LIKE ME AND YOU, 1155 00:50:40,467 --> 00:50:41,800 HOW MANY TIMES WOULD WE HAVE A CHANCE 1156 00:50:41,800 --> 00:50:43,600 TO COMMIT ADULT-- IN OUR WHOLE LIVES, 1157 00:50:43,600 --> 00:50:45,633 WE MIGHT HAVE TEN OPPORTUNITIES, YOU KNOW? 1158 00:50:45,633 --> 00:50:47,033 PROBABLY THINK IT'S TEN. 1159 00:50:47,033 --> 00:50:49,033 PROBABLY ONLY SIX. 1160 00:50:49,033 --> 00:50:51,333 BUT...SO LET'S SAY IT'S TEN, 1161 00:50:51,333 --> 00:50:53,800 SO WE STRAY ONCE, THAT'S 10%. 1162 00:50:53,800 --> 00:50:56,233 TWICE, 20%. 1163 00:50:56,233 --> 00:50:58,367 NOW, TIGER, MAYBE HE HAD 60, 70 WOMEN. 1164 00:50:58,367 --> 00:51:00,633 WHAT ABOUT THE 3 MILLION THAT HE DIDN'T FUCK 1165 00:51:00,633 --> 00:51:03,067 THAT HE COULD HAVE? 1166 00:51:03,067 --> 00:51:06,667 YOU GOTTA FACTOR THOSE GALS IN, YOU KNOW? 1167 00:51:06,667 --> 00:51:08,267 NOW, WHEN YOU DO THAT... 1168 00:51:08,267 --> 00:51:10,867 I DID IT ON A LITTLE, UH, CALCULATOR. 1169 00:51:10,867 --> 00:51:14,067 IT TURNS OUT THAT TIGER ONLY HAD SEX 1170 00:51:14,067 --> 00:51:18,700 WITH .0000000002% 1171 00:51:18,700 --> 00:51:21,100 OF THE WOMEN HE COULD-- 1172 00:51:21,100 --> 00:51:24,800 NOW, STATISTICALLY, THAT'S 0%. 1173 00:51:24,800 --> 00:51:28,967 FROM--FROM A STRICTLY MATHEMATICAL POINT OF VIEW, 1174 00:51:28,967 --> 00:51:31,967 TIGER IS THE MOST FAITHFUL MAN WHO EVER LIVED. 1175 00:51:31,967 --> 00:51:34,500 THAT'S MY POINT. 1176 00:51:34,500 --> 00:51:37,067 [applause] SO... 1177 00:51:37,067 --> 00:51:38,300 GOD BLESS HIM, 1178 00:51:38,300 --> 00:51:40,600 AND I HOPE HE DOES WELL AT THE MASTERS, 1179 00:51:40,600 --> 00:51:42,067 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, HE'S GOT A, UH... 1180 00:51:42,067 --> 00:51:44,067 YOU KNOW, HE TRYING TO CATCH, UH... 1181 00:51:44,067 --> 00:51:45,500 NICKLAUS AND SNEAD AND SO FORTH, 1182 00:51:45,500 --> 00:51:49,133 AND, YOU KNOW, I'VE WASTED 16 YEARS OF MY LIFE 1183 00:51:49,133 --> 00:51:52,600 WATCHING THE FUCKING GUY, AND, UH... 1184 00:51:52,600 --> 00:51:54,300 HE'S GOT A DATE WITH DESTINY, 1185 00:51:54,300 --> 00:51:56,767 AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT SOME LADY 1186 00:51:56,767 --> 00:51:59,300 AT THE SPEARMINT RHINO. 1187 00:51:59,300 --> 00:52:04,767 LITERAL DESTINY HE HAS A DATE WITH. 1188 00:52:04,767 --> 00:52:07,633 BUT ANYWAYS. 1189 00:52:07,633 --> 00:52:11,233 OH, SO SAN FRANCISCO, MAN. 1190 00:52:11,233 --> 00:52:15,100 WHAT ELSE--WHAT ELSE IS SAN FRANCISCO FAMOUS FOR? 1191 00:52:15,100 --> 00:52:17,767 OH, GUYS SUCKING AND FUCKING EACH OTHER. 1192 00:52:19,167 --> 00:52:21,433 FORGOT ABOUT THAT. 1193 00:52:21,433 --> 00:52:23,167 [laughter] 1194 00:52:25,567 --> 00:52:27,633 THEY'RE EQUALLY PROUD, BY THE WAY. 1195 00:52:27,633 --> 00:52:29,967 THEY'RE JUST AS PROUD AS STRAIGHT PEOPLE 1196 00:52:29,967 --> 00:52:31,300 OF THEIR SUCKING AND FUCKING. 1197 00:52:31,300 --> 00:52:33,067 AS A MATTER OF FACT, EVERY YEAR, 1198 00:52:33,067 --> 00:52:36,267 THEY'RE SO PROUD, THEY HAVE A PARADE FOR IT. 1199 00:52:36,267 --> 00:52:38,600 IT'S CALLED THE GAY PRIDE PARADE, 1200 00:52:38,600 --> 00:52:42,267 AND, UH, IT'S A ODD THING TO ME, 1201 00:52:42,267 --> 00:52:43,800 'CAUSE I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, 1202 00:52:43,800 --> 00:52:45,133 WHEN I WAS A BOY, YOU KNOW, 1203 00:52:45,133 --> 00:52:48,100 AND I'M OLDER THAN YOU FELLERS, BUT... 1204 00:52:48,100 --> 00:52:49,633 WHEN I WAS-- WHEN I WAS-- 1205 00:52:49,633 --> 00:52:51,400 WHEN I WAS SIX YEARS OF AGE, 1206 00:52:51,400 --> 00:52:54,067 I REMEMBER MY DAD SHOWING ME ON THE TELEVISION, 1207 00:52:54,067 --> 00:52:56,300 THERE WAS A PARADE BECAUSE NEIL ARMSTRONG AND THE BOYS, 1208 00:52:56,300 --> 00:52:58,200 WHY, THEY HAD GONE TO THE MOON. 1209 00:53:02,133 --> 00:53:04,833 THEY--HERE, MAN HAD TOUCHED THE... 1210 00:53:04,833 --> 00:53:07,967 THE SATELLITE THAT... 1211 00:53:07,967 --> 00:53:10,633 THAT WHIRLS AROUND OUR WHIRLING CINDER, 1212 00:53:10,633 --> 00:53:12,200 AND THEN THEY CAME BACK. 1213 00:53:12,200 --> 00:53:14,367 NOW, THEY HAD A PARADE FOR THEM. 1214 00:53:14,367 --> 00:53:15,733 MY DAD HAD ME WATCH IT 1215 00:53:15,733 --> 00:53:18,400 ON HIS LITTLE PHILCO TV THAT HE KEPT IN THE KITCHEN, 1216 00:53:18,400 --> 00:53:20,233 AND HE SAID-- I REMEMBER HE SAID, 1217 00:53:20,233 --> 00:53:21,533 "WATCH THIS, SON," YOU KNOW. 1218 00:53:21,533 --> 00:53:23,667 AND NEIL ARMSTRONG AND THE BOYS WERE GOING DOWN, 1219 00:53:23,667 --> 00:53:25,133 TICKER TAPE, FIFTH AVENUE. 1220 00:53:25,133 --> 00:53:27,133 IT WAS LIKE A VERY MAJESTIC MOMENT. 1221 00:53:27,133 --> 00:53:29,300 NOW, THIS IS HOW PARADES HAVE, 1222 00:53:29,300 --> 00:53:33,567 IN MY MIND, DEVOLVED A LITTLE. 1223 00:53:33,567 --> 00:53:35,067 NOW IT'S A BUNCH OF GUYS 1224 00:53:35,067 --> 00:53:38,100 WHO LIKE SUCKING AND FUCKING EACH OTHER. 1225 00:53:43,333 --> 00:53:45,067 AM I SUPPOSED TO BRING MY KID ON MY SHOULDERS? 1226 00:53:45,067 --> 00:53:46,700 "HEY, LOOK AT THAT! 1227 00:53:46,700 --> 00:53:48,400 "ENJOY YOUR COTTON CANDY. 1228 00:53:48,400 --> 00:53:49,667 "THERE'S SOME MORE GUYS 1229 00:53:49,667 --> 00:53:51,667 WHO LIKE SUCKING AND FUCKING EACH OTHER." 1230 00:53:56,467 --> 00:53:58,067 AND THEY LIKE DOING IT. 1231 00:53:58,067 --> 00:53:59,467 I DON'T THINK YOU GET A PARADE 1232 00:53:59,467 --> 00:54:00,567 FOR SOMETHING YOU LIKE-- 1233 00:54:00,567 --> 00:54:02,400 LIKE, IF THEY DIDN'T LIKE, 1234 00:54:02,400 --> 00:54:04,133 MAYBE THEN I'D SHOW UP, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 1235 00:54:04,133 --> 00:54:06,433 IF THEY...IF IT WAS LIKE, "I DON'T LIKE IT, 1236 00:54:06,433 --> 00:54:08,067 "BUT GOD DAMN IT, I'LL DO IT FOR MY COUNTRY. 1237 00:54:08,067 --> 00:54:09,200 AAH!" 1238 00:54:10,767 --> 00:54:15,567 THEN I'D GO, "SON, THAT MAN'S A PATRIOT. 1239 00:54:15,567 --> 00:54:19,500 "HE UNDERSTANDS THERE'S GREATER THAN THE INDIVIDUAL. 1240 00:54:19,500 --> 00:54:21,100 THERE'S..." 1241 00:54:25,767 --> 00:54:27,367 BUT THERE IS ONE VERY TOUCHING MOMENT, 1242 00:54:27,367 --> 00:54:29,400 'CAUSE A GUY TOOK ME TO THIS GAY PRIDE PARADE. 1243 00:54:29,400 --> 00:54:31,267 AND THE MOST TOUCHING MOMENT-- MAKES YOU CRY-- 1244 00:54:31,267 --> 00:54:35,400 IS THERE'S THE PARENTS OF THE ADULT GAY CHILDREN, 1245 00:54:35,400 --> 00:54:38,600 AND THEY'RE HOLDING, LIKE, SIGNS AND STUFF, YOU KNOW, 1246 00:54:38,600 --> 00:54:41,567 AND IT'S THE MOST MOVING, UH, PART OF IT, 1247 00:54:41,567 --> 00:54:43,133 AND, UH, FIRST OF ALL, 1248 00:54:43,133 --> 00:54:45,100 THEY'RE NOT DANCING AROUND IN LEATHER AND SHIT. 1249 00:54:45,100 --> 00:54:46,100 AND, UH... 1250 00:54:48,400 --> 00:54:49,700 BUT YOU SEE THEM, 1251 00:54:49,700 --> 00:54:51,733 AND SOME OF THESE GUYS ARE OLD FELLAS, 1252 00:54:51,733 --> 00:54:53,933 YOU COULD TELL, YOU KNOW, WERE IN KOREA AND STUFF, 1253 00:54:53,933 --> 00:54:55,167 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 1254 00:54:55,167 --> 00:54:58,500 AND SO...AND THEY CARRY SIGNS THAT SAY, 1255 00:54:58,500 --> 00:55:02,067 YOU KNOW, "I AM PROUD THAT MY SON IS GAY," YOU KNOW. 1256 00:55:02,067 --> 00:55:04,533 AND IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL, BUT I STILL... 1257 00:55:04,533 --> 00:55:06,267 I THINK THEY'RE CHOOSING THE WRONG WORDS, 1258 00:55:06,267 --> 00:55:09,200 'CAUSE PRIDE, AGAIN... I DON'T, YOU KNOW... 1259 00:55:09,200 --> 00:55:12,400 LIKE, THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ACCEPTING 1260 00:55:12,400 --> 00:55:14,467 AND LOVING AND EVERYTHING LIKE THAT. 1261 00:55:14,467 --> 00:55:16,333 BUT, UH, YOU KNOW, 1262 00:55:16,333 --> 00:55:18,500 I DON'T THINK ANYBODY'S BRAGGING ABOUT IT 1263 00:55:18,500 --> 00:55:20,967 DOWN AT WORK OR ANYTHING, YOU KNOW? 1264 00:55:25,333 --> 00:55:28,067 GUY GOES, "HEY, GUYS, COME OVER HERE, MAN, 1265 00:55:28,067 --> 00:55:32,067 "I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT MY YOUNGEST SON, BILL. 1266 00:55:32,067 --> 00:55:33,667 MCCLUSKEY, GET OVER HERE." 1267 00:55:36,867 --> 00:55:38,233 "I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT BILL. 1268 00:55:38,233 --> 00:55:39,500 "WE'RE SO PROUD OF HIM. 1269 00:55:39,500 --> 00:55:42,067 "HE GRADUATED HARVARD THIS YEAR, TOP OF HIS CLASS. 1270 00:55:42,067 --> 00:55:43,967 "GONNA BE A LAWYER, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT, HUH? 1271 00:55:43,967 --> 00:55:46,867 "YOU CAN USE HIM, MCCLUSKEY, NEXT TIME YOU GET IN TROUBLE. 1272 00:55:46,867 --> 00:55:48,167 "YEAH, MY SON. 1273 00:55:48,167 --> 00:55:51,633 "NONE OF US MACPHERSONS EVER GRADUATED THE FIFTH GRADE. 1274 00:55:51,633 --> 00:55:53,400 "WE'RE ALL JUST A BUNCH OF CHUNKS OF COAL, 1275 00:55:53,400 --> 00:55:55,733 "BUT, AW, IT'S ALL GONNA CHANGE NOW. 1276 00:55:55,733 --> 00:55:57,933 "OUR YOUNG SON, BILL. 1277 00:55:57,933 --> 00:55:59,900 "TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE WE'RE PROUD OF HIM FOR. 1278 00:55:59,900 --> 00:56:01,067 HE..." 1279 00:56:01,067 --> 00:56:03,833 [laughter] 1280 00:56:05,500 --> 00:56:08,067 "HE WAS ON THE JUNIOR VARSITY BASKETBALL TEAM, 1281 00:56:08,067 --> 00:56:11,533 "AND, UH, IN A SPAN OF SEVEN GAMES, 1282 00:56:11,533 --> 00:56:13,867 "HE HAD FOUR TRIPLE-DOUBLES TO END THE SEASON. 1283 00:56:13,867 --> 00:56:15,200 "WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT, HUH? 1284 00:56:15,200 --> 00:56:17,267 "UNBELIEVABLE. ALSO LOVES COCK. 1285 00:56:17,267 --> 00:56:18,833 I DON'T KNOW THE--" 1286 00:56:20,200 --> 00:56:21,467 "IN HIS MOUTH, UP HIS ASS, 1287 00:56:21,467 --> 00:56:23,400 "THIS KID, HE DOESN'T CARE. 1288 00:56:23,400 --> 00:56:24,633 "I DON'T KNOW HOW HE DOES IT. 1289 00:56:24,633 --> 00:56:27,800 "I CAN'T DO IT MYSELF. 1290 00:56:27,800 --> 00:56:28,767 YEAH." 1291 00:56:30,467 --> 00:56:32,867 "MY SON, BILL. 1292 00:56:32,867 --> 00:56:35,300 "GONNA BE A LAWYER. 1293 00:56:35,300 --> 00:56:36,633 "I GOT A PICTURE OF HIM. 1294 00:56:36,633 --> 00:56:38,467 "HE'S GONNA BE ARTICLING IN GREENWICH NEXT YEAR. 1295 00:56:38,467 --> 00:56:39,800 "THERE HE IS. HE'S GRADUATING. 1296 00:56:39,800 --> 00:56:42,367 "THAT'S HIS GRADUATION PICTURE. 1297 00:56:42,367 --> 00:56:44,467 "LOOK AT THAT, WITH HIS ROBES THERE, 1298 00:56:44,467 --> 00:56:46,367 "AND THE MORTARBOARD, YOU KNOW, LOOK AT-- 1299 00:56:46,367 --> 00:56:48,267 "IT'S THE HAT, MCCLUSKEY, YOU IGNORANT BASTARD! 1300 00:56:48,267 --> 00:56:49,500 "THEY CALL IT THAT. 1301 00:56:49,500 --> 00:56:51,100 "LOOK AT HIM THERE, HUH? 1302 00:56:51,100 --> 00:56:53,133 "WHAT A PICTURE. 1303 00:56:53,133 --> 00:56:54,500 "YOU CAN'T SEE IT IN THE PICTURE, 1304 00:56:54,500 --> 00:56:58,700 "BUT HE'S GOT EIGHT COCKS WEDGED UP HIS ASS. 1305 00:56:58,700 --> 00:57:00,233 "AND, OF COURSE, YOU CAN SEE 1306 00:57:00,233 --> 00:57:02,300 "THE FINE SPRAY OF JIZZ 1307 00:57:02,300 --> 00:57:04,400 "ARCING OVER HIS TONGUE 1308 00:57:04,400 --> 00:57:06,700 "AS HE GREEDILY LAPS IT UP. 1309 00:57:06,700 --> 00:57:08,067 WELL, WELL..." 1310 00:57:10,700 --> 00:57:14,767 "I FEEL SO MUCH PRIDE WHEN I SEE THAT PICTURE. 1311 00:57:14,767 --> 00:57:18,767 PRIDE IS THE THING THAT I MOST FEEL." 1312 00:57:20,367 --> 00:57:22,667 ANYWAY... 1313 00:57:22,667 --> 00:57:24,767 LISTEN, FOLKS... 1314 00:57:24,767 --> 00:57:26,400 I JUST WANT TO SAY, UH, 1315 00:57:26,400 --> 00:57:28,100 SAN FRANCISCO'S, UH, AWESOME. 1316 00:57:28,100 --> 00:57:30,467 AND, UH, I'M FROM L.A. 1317 00:57:30,467 --> 00:57:33,833 AND, UH, HEY, WE CAN'T WAIT TO GET YOUR FOOTBALL TEAM. 1318 00:57:38,233 --> 00:57:39,900 WE'RE LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT. 1319 00:57:39,900 --> 00:57:40,933 AND, UM... 1320 00:57:40,933 --> 00:57:43,067 - HOW'S O.J.? 1321 00:57:43,067 --> 00:57:45,733 - O.J.? 1322 00:57:45,733 --> 00:57:48,333 WELL, I'VE CHANGED MY MIND ON O.J. 1323 00:57:48,333 --> 00:57:50,967 NO, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I FEEL ABOUT O.J. 1324 00:57:52,733 --> 00:57:54,633 [cheers and applause] IT'S... 1325 00:57:57,733 --> 00:58:02,067 I FEEL--AS MUCH AS I WAS INDIGNANT ABOUT HIS ACQUITTAL, 1326 00:58:02,067 --> 00:58:05,367 I'M EQUALLY INDIGNANT ABOUT HIS, UH, 1327 00:58:05,367 --> 00:58:10,667 HIS GOING TO PRISON FOR STEALING HIS FUCKING OWN SHIRTS. 1328 00:58:10,667 --> 00:58:12,367 I DON'T THINK THAT'S FAIR. 1329 00:58:12,367 --> 00:58:14,633 I DON'T THINK, IF YOU STEAL YOUR OWN SHIRTS, 1330 00:58:14,633 --> 00:58:19,200 YOU SHOULD GET 35 CONSECUTIVE LIFE SENTENCES. 1331 00:58:19,200 --> 00:58:23,800 THAT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR TO ME AT ALL. 1332 00:58:23,800 --> 00:58:26,133 AND NOW HE'S PROBABLY SAYING, 1333 00:58:26,133 --> 00:58:27,800 "I WISH I GOT FUCKING... 1334 00:58:27,800 --> 00:58:30,567 YOU KNOW, I WISH I WAS PUT UP FOR THE OTHER CRIME." 1335 00:58:30,567 --> 00:58:32,100 BECAUSE HERE'S THE THING. 1336 00:58:32,100 --> 00:58:34,233 IN PRISON, THEY HAVE A PECKING ORDER. 1337 00:58:37,300 --> 00:58:38,733 NOW... 1338 00:58:38,733 --> 00:58:40,433 IN THE PECKING ORDER, 1339 00:58:40,433 --> 00:58:42,800 ONE OF THE TOP PEOPLE ON THE PECKING ORDER 1340 00:58:42,800 --> 00:58:45,133 ARE THE DOUBLE MURDERERS. 1341 00:58:45,133 --> 00:58:47,200 THEY'RE WAY UP HIGH. 1342 00:58:47,200 --> 00:58:51,800 VERY WELL RESPECTED MEMBERS... 1343 00:58:51,800 --> 00:58:58,300 OF THE, UH, OLD GRAY BAR, YOU KNOW, COMMUNITY. 1344 00:58:58,300 --> 00:59:03,267 BUT...GUYS WHO STEAL THEIR OWN SHIRTS... 1345 00:59:03,267 --> 00:59:06,167 THEY'RE AT THE LOWEST ON THE PECKING ORDER. 1346 00:59:06,167 --> 00:59:10,867 AND THE PECKING ORDER INVOLVES A LOT OF ASS FUCKING, BASICALLY. 1347 00:59:10,867 --> 00:59:14,600 AND, UH, SO I FEEL SORRY FOR O.J., 1348 00:59:14,600 --> 00:59:15,967 'CAUSE I'M SURE HE'S GOING, 1349 00:59:15,967 --> 00:59:18,767 "WAIT, I FUCKING KILLED TWO FUCKING PEOPLE. 1350 00:59:18,767 --> 00:59:21,300 I KILLED A WAITER AND MY WIFE, SAVAGELY." 1351 00:59:21,300 --> 00:59:23,767 AND THEY'RE LIKE, "WE SAW THE FUCKING TRIAL. 1352 00:59:23,767 --> 00:59:26,933 "IF THE GLOVE DON'T FIT, YOU CAN'T ACQUIT. 1353 00:59:26,933 --> 00:59:29,333 "YOU STOLE A JERSEY AND NOTHIN' MORE. 1354 00:59:29,333 --> 00:59:31,867 "NOW GET YOUR FUCKING ASS OVER HERE. 1355 00:59:31,867 --> 00:59:33,500 I HAVE TO FUCK IT." 1356 00:59:33,500 --> 00:59:35,433 NO. 1357 00:59:35,433 --> 00:59:37,400 [laughter and applause] 1358 00:59:37,400 --> 00:59:38,600 THERE YOU GO! 1359 00:59:38,600 --> 00:59:41,433 GOD BLESS YOU, FOLKS. I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH. 1360 00:59:41,433 --> 00:59:42,867 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 1361 00:59:42,867 --> 00:59:45,100 [cheers and applause] 1362 00:59:45,100 --> 00:59:46,267 - * PEOPLE AND THEIR PROBLEMS * 1363 00:59:46,267 --> 00:59:48,867 * ARE GIVING ME A PAIN * 1364 00:59:48,867 --> 00:59:50,733 * PEOPLE AND THEIR PROBLEMS * 1365 00:59:50,733 --> 00:59:53,167 * ARE MESSIN' WITH MY BRAIN * 1366 00:59:53,167 --> 00:59:55,633 * I TRY TO HELP 'EM SOLVE 'EM * 1367 00:59:55,633 --> 00:59:57,867 * BUT THEY ALWAYS STAY THE SAME * 1368 00:59:57,867 --> 01:00:00,200 * PEOPLE AND THEIR PROBLEMS * 1369 01:00:00,200 --> 01:00:02,800 * ARE DRIVIN' ME INSANE * 1370 01:00:02,800 --> 01:00:05,233 * * 1371 01:00:08,367 --> 01:00:11,233 - FOLLOW ME. * TWEET TWEET * 1372 01:00:16,333 --> 01:00:18,500 - * OL' WILLY HE STAYS HIGHER * 1373 01:00:18,500 --> 01:00:21,000 * THAN A HUNDRED DOLLAR KITE * 1374 01:00:21,000 --> 01:00:23,800 * HE HUFFS AND PUFFS AND SMOKES THAT STUFF * 1375 01:00:23,800 --> 01:00:25,667 * EVERY DAY AND NIGHT * 1376 01:00:25,667 --> 01:00:28,067 * HIS FRIENDS ALL TRY TO CHANGE HIM * 1377 01:00:28,067 --> 01:00:30,500 * BEGGIN', "PLEASE QUIT, WILLY, PLEASE" * 1378 01:00:30,500 --> 01:00:32,533 * BUT STILL THEY HANG AROUND * 1379 01:00:32,533 --> 01:00:35,000 * AND BREATHE THE SAME AIR THAT HE BREATHES * 1380 01:00:35,000 --> 01:00:37,433 * YEAH, PEOPLE AND THEIR PROBLEMS * 1381 01:00:37,433 --> 01:00:40,033 * ARE GIVIN' ME A PAIN * 1382 01:00:40,033 --> 01:00:42,200 * PEOPLE AND THEIR PROBLEMS * 1383 01:00:42,200 --> 01:00:44,233 * ARE MESSIN' WITH MY BRAIN *