The winner of a 30,000-dollar scholarship...
is Miss Louisiana, Erika Schwarz.
And the new Miss America is Miss Kansas...
Tara Dawn Holland!
...scholarship...
is Miss Louisiana, Erika Schwarz.
And the new Miss America is Miss Kansas, Tara Dawn Holland!
There are two kinds of people in this world-
winners and losers.
Inside each and every one of you...
at the very core of your being...
is a winner waiting to be awakened...
and unleashed upon the world.
With my nine-step "Refuse to Lose" program...
you now have the necessary tools and the insights...
and the know-how to put your losing habits behind you...
and to go out and make your dreams come true.
No hesitating.
No complaining.
And no excuses.
I want you to go out in the world...
and I want you to be winners!
Thank you.
I'm on my way.
I don't know how long. I don't know!
Richard, he has nowhere else to go.
I'm not smoking. I'm not!
Look, I'm at the hospital. Yeah, okay. Bye.
Miss Hoover? Your brother's fine.
I need you to keep him away from sharp objects-knives, scissors.
If you have medications, depressants in your house, keep them secure.
- I'd prefer to keep him, but- - I know. The insurance.
You want to see him?
Hey, Frank.
Sheryl.
I'm so glad you're still here.
Well, that makes one of us.
A strong low pressure system passed across New Mexico...
bringing with it a little moisture that will cool things off a bit.
We may even see a five- to 10-degree drop in temperatures in Albuquerque.
There will be no significant accumulations of rainfall-
Do you want to talk or no?
- Nearly nothing, but statewide 93%- - No.
Hello?
Anyone?
Down here. We have you with Dwayne.
Dwayne, hi. Uncle Frank's here.
He doesn't mind, Frank. We talked.
Wha- I know. I know. But we can't have you sleeping alone. The doctor said.
I'm sorry. I have to insist.
You'll get along fine. He's really quiet.
And here's your cot.
Please, Frank.
Please.
Thank you.
I'm gonna start dinner.
You can come out when you're settled.
And, uh, just leave the door open. That's important.
Dwayne, honey, there's a bucket of chicken in the car.
Can you get it? And, uh, I'll make a salad.
- Olive? - Yeah?
- Is Grandpa with you? - Yeah.
- What are you guys doing? - Rehearsing.
- Okay, well, dinner in 10 minutes. - Okay.
- Hi. - Hi. Frank's here.
Oh, God. Did, uh, Stan Grossman call?
Well, check the machine.
- Dwayne, please, come on. The chicken. It's in the car.
Will you set the table? We'll do paper plates tonight.
Remember Olive was runner-up in the Little Miss Sunshine?
- Theyjust called right now- - Hey, it's your sister!
Fuck.
Hi. Richard Hoover for Stan Grossman, please.
Any way to reach him or-
Well, I'm just wondering if this darn book deal is done or not.
If-
Yes.
Okay, could you please just have him call me anytime over the weekend?
He has my cell number. Just to let me know we're on.
Okay? Thank you. Bye.
- So what happened with Stan Grossman? - He's in Scottsdale.
Why didn't he call?
Will you let me worry about this, please?
Dwayne, can you check on Frank? Tell him it's dinnertime.
Olive! Dinnertime!
Coming!
What? Dinner?
What, you don't talk anymore?
Why not?
You can talk. You just choose not to?
Is that Nietzsche?
You don't speak because of Friedrich Nietzsche.
Far out.
Frank, you can sit here next to Dwayne.
Here's the salad, and I'm gonna run and get Sprite for everyone.
Olive, come on! Dinnertime!
Okay.
So who do you hang out with?
No one?
What about your family?
Frank! Hey!
- Richard. - Good to... see you.
Let me get Olive.
- Olive? Dad? - You guys, go on and start.
- Let's go! - We're coming.
- Frank, some Sprite? - Yes.
And I want everyone to have at least a little salad.
Thanks, Sheryl.
Honey.
So, Sheryl, I couldn't help noticing Dwayne has stopped speaking.
Oh, yeah, he's taken a vow of silence.
You've taken a vow of silence?
Yeah. He's gonna join the Air Force Academy, become a test pilot...
and he's taken a vow of silence until he reaches that goal.
- You're kidding? - Hi, Uncle Frank.
Oh, hey, Olive. Wow, you're gettin' big.
Almost like a real person.
- What happened to your arms? - Olive.
That's all right. I had a little accident. I'm okay.
- How's the, uh, routine coming, honey? - It's good.
Yeah? When are you gonna show it to us?
I don't know. It's up to Grandpa.
A couple of days. It still needs work.
What's that? Chicken? Every night it's the fuckin' chicken!
- Holy God Almighty! It is possible just once- - Dad!
We could get something to eat around here that's not the goddamn fucking chicken?
- Hey, Dad! Dad! - I'm just sayin'-
- Christ. - When you want to start cooking your own food, you're welcome.
- At Sunset Manor, you know- - If you like Sunset Manor, you shouldn't have got kicked out.
For God's sakes.
So when did you start with the vow?
Been nine months, Frank. He hasn't said a word.
Not one. I think it shows tremendous discipline.
- Richard. - I really do.
Really. I think we could learn something from Dwayne.
Dwayne has a goal. He has a dream.
It may not be my dream, may not be yours...
but he's pursuing it with great conviction and focus.
In fact, I was thinking about the nine steps-
Oh, for crying out loud!
And how Dwayne's utilizing seven of them in his personal quest to self-fulfillment.
Richard, please.
Well, I'm just saying I've come around.
I think he could use our support.
How did it happen?
- How did what happen? - Your accident.
Honey, here.
Oh, no, it's okay. Unless you object.
No, I'm pro-honesty here. I just think, you know, it's up to you.
Be my guest.
Olive, um, Uncle Frank didn't really have an accident.
What happened was he... tried to kill himself.
You did? Why?
I'm sorry. I don't think this is an appropriate conversation.
Honey, let's let Uncle Frank finish his dinner, okay? Shh.
Why did you want to kill yourself?
No, don't answer the question, Frank.
- Richard! Richard! - He's not gonna answer the question. Frank.
- I wanted to kill myself- - Don't listen to him.
- I was very unhappy. - He's sick in his head.
- Richard! - I'm sorry! I don't think it's an appropriate conversation...
- for a seven-year-old. - She's gonna find out anyway.
- Okay. - Go on, Frank.
Why were you unhappy?
Um, well, there are a lot of reasons.
Mainly, though, I fell in love with someone who didn't love me back.
Who?
One of my grad students. I was very much in love with him.
Him?
It was a boy? You fell in love with a boy?
- Yes, I did. Very much so. - That's silly.
You're right. It was silly. It was very, very silly.
- There's another word for it. - Dad.
- So, that's when you tried to kill yourself? - Well, no.
The boy that I was in love with fell in love with another man- Larry Sugarman.
- Who's Larry Sugarman? - Larry Sugarman is, perhaps...
the second most highly regarded Proust scholar in the U.S.
- Who's number one? - That would be me, Rich.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
So that's when.
No. What happened was I was a bit upset...
so I said some things that I shouldn't have said...
and I did some things that I shouldn't have done...
and subsequently I was fired from my job...
and forced to move out of my apartment and move into a motel.
- And that's when you tried to- - Well, no.
Actually, all of that was okay.
What happened was two days ago the MacArthur Foundation, in its infinite wisdom...
awarded a genius grant to Larry Sugarman.
And that's when I-
Decided to check out early.
Yes. Yes. And I failed at that as well.
Olive, the important thing to understand here...
is that Uncle Frank gave up on himself.
He made a series of foolish choices- I'm sorry- and he gave up on himself...
which is something winners never do.
So that's the story, okay? Now, everyone, just let's move on and, uh-
Is he always like this? How can you stand it?
Olive, tell him about your routine while you're doing this.
Okay. Little Miss Chili Pepper is a beauty contest for everyone in Albuquerque...
but you have to be six or seven and you have to be a girl.
This is our sister.
- Cindy. - Spring break.
Dwayne went to see his dad in Florida for two weeks...
and Olive went to Laguna to see her cousins.
- She made it to the top of the regionals out there. - I was in second place.
Well, what do you think your chances are?
I think I can win, because some of the other girls...
they've been doing it longer, but I practice every day.
- Yeah. Good luck. - Not about luck, Frank.
Luck is the name losers give to their own failings.
It's about wanting to win, willing yourself to win.
- You've got to want it badder than anybody else. - I do.
- Then you're gonna be a winner. - Richard.
It's the truth.
You know, actually, there is a message from Cindy on the machine.
Something about Little Mrs. Sunshine.
- What? Little Miss Sunshine? - Yeah.
What?
Sheryl, it's Cindy.
Remember when Olive was here last month?
She was runner-up in the regional Little Miss Sunshine?
Theyjust called right now and said that the girl who won had to forfeit her crown.
I don't know why. Something about diet pills.
- Now she has a place in the state contest in Redondo Beach!
Oh, my gosh! I won! I won! I won! I won!
- Finish your dinner! - I'm finished!
- What happened? - I'm just calling to- Cindy!
Yeah, we just got it. Yeah, she basically went crazy.
- I won! I won! I won! - No, I didn't get that.
The machine cut you off. Okay.
Redondo Beach. This Sunday?
- Wh-Are you guys going? - Yes.
- Can you put it off? - They have to. They have to.
- Where does that leave us? - We can't do it. We can't.
No, no- No, I understand that, Cindy. Yeah.
- They- - I just- No, I'll just figure it out. Okay, bye-bye.
It's this Sunday? Why can'tJeff and Cindy take her?
They have some equestrian thing in Santa Barbara.
You know, they do that horse shit every single weekend.
Well, it's the nationals. They're taking both horses, so apparently it's a big deal.
What about Olive?
Little Miss Sunshine! Little Miss Sunshine! I won!
I won!
I'm going! We're going!
- You promised? - We'll fly out and come back Monday.
- How are you gonna get around out there? - We'll rent a car.
- And stay at a hotel? - We can afford it.
- This is our seed money. - Well, if I had a little help bringin' it in.
- Don't start that. - It all goes to your nine steps!
I told you I'm gonna talk to Stan Grossman!
We're gonna get locked and loaded on this deal and start generating some income!
- But in the meantime we've gotta be- - Okay, okay! We'll drive!
- I'm not drivin'. - How are you gonna fit Grandpa in the Miata?
- Well, Grandpa does not have to come. - What? I coached her!
I gave her the moves. I gotta go.
- Why don't you take the V. W? - I cannot drive a shift. I tried.
- We'll fly there. - We can't afford it.
Well, that's what we're gonna do unless you have a better idea.
Here. This is dessert.
I won! I won! I won! I won! I won!
Miss Sunshine! Little Miss Sunshine! Little Miss Sunshine!
All right. I'll drive the bus.
Richard, I was told explicitly not to leave Frank by himself.
- No offense, Frank. - None taken.
You got Dwayne here. They can look after each other.
No, Richard! That's asking too much. If something happened-
We can't go, then, unless Dwayne and Frank go with us.
- Mom, where's my bathing suit? - Right.
Frank?
I found it!
Okay.
I'm going! I'm going! I'm going!
Oh, Dwayne, come on, please. Think of your sister.
Come on, Dwayne. It'll be a lot of fun.
You can go to the beach and-
"This is unfair.
"All I ask is...
that you leave me alone. "
Dwayne, flight school.
I will give you permission for flight school.
I won! I won! I won! I won! I'm gonna win this one too!
"But I'm not going...
to have any fun. "
Yeah, we're all with you on that one, Dwayne.
Grandpa! Grandpa! Is Grandpa coming to California?
- We're all coming, honey. - Hey, uh, hold on.
Olive, come over here for a second.
Come here. Sit down for a second.
Look, there's no sense in entering a contest...
if you don't think you're gonna win.
So do you think you can win Little Miss Sunshine?
Richard-
Are you gonna win?
Yes!
We're going to California.
Good night, Dwayne.
Not on your watch. I wouldn't do that to you.
Thank you, Dwayne.
Coming from you, that means a lot.
Good night.
Jesus, I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired.
Do you know how tired I am?
If some girl came up to me, begged me to fuck her, I couldn't do it.
- Dad? Watch the language, huh? - That's how tired I am.
She's listening to music.
Olive, I'll give you a million dollars if you turn around.
- See? - All right.
- But the rest of us. - Oh, the rest of you.
Can I give you some advice?
Well, I'm gonna give it to you anyway.
- I don't want you making the same mistakes I made. - Can't wait to hear this.
Dwayne-That's your name, right? Dwayne?
This is the voice of experience talking.
Are you listening? Fuck a lot of women, Dwayne.
- Hey! Dad! - Not just one woman. A lot of women.
- That's enough, all right? - Are you gettin' any?
- Dad! - You can tell me, Dwayne. Are you gettin' any?
- Come on, please. - No? Jesus. You're what, 15?
- My God, man! - Dad!
You should be gettin'that young stuff. That young stuff is the best in the world.
- Dad, that's enough! Stop it! - Will you kindly not interrupt!
See, right now you're jailbait. They're jailbait. It's perfect.
I mean, you hit 18- Man, you're talking about three to five.
Hey, I will pull this truck over right now!
So pull the truck over! Fuck you! I can say what I want.
- I still got Nazi bullets in my ass! - Ah, the Nazi bullets!
You're as bad as those fuckers at Sunset Manor.
- What happened at Sunset Manor? - Frank, don't encourage him.
I'll tell you what happened. I paid my money. They took my money.
I should be able to do what the fuck I want!
- He started snorting heroin. - You started snorting heroin?
- I'm old! - Well, that stuff'll kill you.
What am I, an idiot? And don't you start taking that shit.
When you're young, you're crazy to do that stuff.
- What about you? - I'm old. When you're old, you're crazy not to do it.
We've tried. Believe me. The intervention was a fiasco. He's worse than a two-year-old.
Can we please talk about something else?
- I take it you didn't like it at Sunset Manor. - Frank.
Are you kidding me? It was a fuckin' paradise.
They got a pool. They got golf.
Now I'm stuck with Mr. Happy here, sleepin' on a fuckin' sofa.
Look, I know you're a homo and all, but maybe you can appreciate this.
You go to one of those places, there's four women for every guy.
- Can you imagine what that's like? - You must've been very busy.
Whoa! I had second-degree burns on my johnson. I kid you not.
- Really? - Forget about it.
What are you guys talking about?
Politics.
Oh.
Fuck a lot of women, kid. I have no reason to lie to you.
Not one woman. A lot of women.
You heard what I said? Did it go in anywhere?
Yeah, I think we get the point, Dad.
Don't show me the pad. I don't want to see the fuckin' pad.
Mom, how much can we spend?
I would say four dollars. Anything under four dollars.
Hi. You ready?
Yeah, I'm gonna have the, uh, number five with coffee, please.
All right.
A number seven, over easy, and a grapefruit juice.
- Grapefruit. Okay. - I would like a fruit plate.
- And do you have chamomile? - Yes.
- With honey, please. - I would like the lumberjack and coffee.
- And extra bacon. - Extra.
- Now, Dad, you should probably- - Richard, don't start.
- He's gonna kill himself. - Well, it's his life.
- Thank you, Sheryl. - Garden salad?
And you.
- L- I'm sorry. I, um- Sorry. - Take your time.
Don't apologize, Olive. It's a sign of weakness.
Um, well, I want- Okay, okay. I know what I want. I know.
Okay, can I get the waffles and, uh-
I don't- What does "alamodey" mean?
- Oh, that means it comes with ice cream. - Okay, "alamodey" then.
- Olive, for breakfast? - You said four dollars.
Okay. You're right. Thank you.
Okay. Be right back.
Actually, Olive, "à la mode"in French...
translates literally as "in the fashion. "
À la mode.
"Mode"is derived from Latin modus, meaning "due or proper measure. "
- Frank, shut up. - Richard!
Olive, can I tell you a little something about ice cream?
- Yeah. - Well, ice cream is made from cream...
which comes from cow's milk...
and cream has a lot of fat in it.
- Richard. - What?
- She's gonna find out anyway, remember? - What? Find out what?
Well, when you eat ice cream, the fat in the ice cream becomes fat in your body.
- Richard, I swear to God- - It's true.
- What? What's wrong? - Nothing, honey. Nothing's wrong.
So if you eat a lot of ice cream, you might become fat.
And if you don't, you're gonna stay nice and skinny, sweetie.
- Mom- - Olive, Richard is an idiot.
I like a woman with meat on her bones.
I don't- Why's everyone so upset?
No, no one's upset, honey. L-
I just want you to understand...
it's okay to be skinny, and it's okay to be fat, if that's what you want to be.
Whatever you want, it's okay.
Okay, but, Olive, let me ask you this.
Those women in Miss America-
Are they skinny, or are they fat?
Honey?
Well, they're skinny, I guess.
Yeah. I guess they don't eat a lot of ice cream.
Okay. Coffee. Coffee.
- Grapefruit. - Thank you.
Chamomile. And here's your ice cream.
"Alamodey," right? I'll be back with your waffles in a second.
Does anyone want my ice cream?
Yeah, I'd like a little. Dwayne? Frank?
- Olive's not gonna have her ice cream. - Do you mind if I have a little?
- Yeah, let's dig in. - That looks really good.
Boy, I feel sorry for anybody...
that doesn't want to enjoy their ice cream so early in the morning.
- Boy, that looks good. - You sure you don't wanna have some, Olive?
Those waffles are gonna be awful lonely in there.
- Mmm! Mmm! - Watch this.
Wait! Stop! Don't eat it all.
- All right, Olive- - Richard!
Hey, Stan!
Stan, it's Richard. Again. Listen, I know you're busy...
but we're just dying to hear what sort of numbers you came up with in Scottsdale.
- So, uh, give me a call, please. - Hey, did you get him?
No, I can't get a signal out of this thing.
How long till we get there?
- A long time, honey. - I know. But how long?
Well, we gotta do 600 miles of driving today and 200 tomorrow.
- That's a lot of driving. Let's go. - I'll drive for a while.
- No, no. I got it. - No. I gotta learn how to do this.
You're doing it. How hard can it be?
- Push the stick down hard. - I'm pushing hard.
Okay. Okay, there you go.
Now push the clutch in all the way to the floor.
It's on the floor. The floor.
Sticking on there.
Push down hard.
Well, you've got a problem.
Your clutch is, uh, shot.
Can we get a new one?
These old buses, you- you have to order the part.
How long does it take?
Well, it's the weekend...
so... maybe... Thursday.
Is there a, uh, dealership around here?
Well, uh, they're probably gonna be closed.
It's, uh- It's the weekend, you know.
Yes, we're aware of that.
I'll tell you what. You know these- these old buses?
You don't need the clutch to change from- from the third to the fourth.
You only really need the clutch to go from number one to number two.
But as long as you keep parking on a hill...
and you let it go, and it goes 15, 20 miles per hour...
you start her in third, and you go from third to fourth.
What if you're not on a hill? There's no hill.
What if there's no hill? What do you-
Yeah, it's-
Olive, Dad, I want you in the car first.
- I know. We know. - All right, here we go!
Everybody push! All right.
Here we go! Push! Push!
Ok- Ok- Okay!
I just want everyone here to know...
that I am the preeminent Proust scholar in the United States.
Here we go!
- Go on, honey. - I'm putting it in gear!
- Go, honey! - Come on!
Come on, Olive! Run! Run! Come on!
- Come on! - Sheryl, let's go!
Sheryl!
- Frank, let's go! - I'm coming.
- You're losing them. Slow down! - I can't slow down!
- Come on! Come on! Come on, you dumb bastard! - I can't. I can't slow down.
- I can't slow down! - Let's go!
Help him. Come on!
Come on. Come on. Get in.
No one gets left behind.
- Close the door! - No one gets left behind!
Outstanding, soldier! Outstanding!
Outstanding.
- Was that fun? - Yeah.
So finally I'm just sitting there...
and I decide, you know, "This is Stan Grossman. What the hell?"
And I start pitching him the nine steps.
And about- I don't know- two minutes in, he stops me, he says...
"I can sell this. "
Mm-hmm. Interesting.
Yeah, and this is the guy who knows how to do it.
You start with a book, and then you do a media tour, corporate events, DVD, VHS series.
I mean, there's a whole fascinating science into how you roll these things out.
- Wow. - Yeah, so he's in Scottsdale right now, you know...
building the buzz and kind of getting the whole hype thing going.
He's doing what the pros call a ticking clock auction.
Oh, how about that!
Yeah, and I can detect that note of sarcasm there, Frank.
What sarcasm? I didn't- I didn't hear it.
But I want you to know something.
I feel sorry for you.
You do? Good.
Yeah, I do. Because sarcasm is the refuge oflosers.
- It is? Really? - Yep.
Sarcasm is losers trying to bring winners down to their level...
and that's step four in the program.
Wow, Richard, you've really opened my eyes to what a loser I am.
- How much do I owe you for those pearls of wisdom? - That one's on the house.
- Okay, you guys, that's enough. - It's on the house.
- That was for free? - No charge. No charge.
- Stop it! - He started it.
That's- Oh, wait a second.
- You are so bad. - Quiet. This is it. This is that call.
He-Hello?
Stan?
Stan Grossman? Richard Hoover.
Finally. How're ya doin'?
No, I know. We were, uh, on the highway, and I lost you on my cell.
Forget about it. How'd we do?
Honey, I'm gonna use the ladies' room. You need to go?
No. I'm gonna go practice my routine over there.
Okay, well, don't go too far.
Well, I think that wejust gotta talk to him a little.
No, you gotta talk to him.
No, Stan, listen to me. Hold on now.
I am going to get something to drink. You want anything?
- Stay positive and- - Yeah, get me some porn.
Okay.
Get me something really nasty too. I don't want any of that airbrushed shit.
- Okay. - Okay, here's a 20. Get yourself a little treat too.
- Get yourself a fag rag. - All right. I will.
Uh, that one. Yes. And that one.
And I would like that one- No, down.
Yes. Yes. Yes. I would like that one.
And, uh, I will have a-
a blue raspberry Slushee.
Frank?
Oh, my God! How are you?
- Uh- - I thought you were gonna be in Santa Fe for the conference.
I was looking for you.
- Aren't you supposed to be in New Haven? - Yeah.
- Well, you heard about Larry and the whole genius thing, right? - Yeah.
- It's official. - Oh, good.
So we're going to this private spa in Sedona for the week-
- Larry's here? - Yeah.
- He's out filling the tank. He's, uh- - Oh. Yeah, there he is.
Wow. I can't believe this. How have you been?
I've been fine.
Good. Good.
You know, I heard that you got fired.
Yeah. No, I quit, 'cause enough is enough, you know?
Right. Good. Good.
So what are you up to now?
Um, I'm weighing my options...
and, um, just, you know, taking some time off, and so-
Great. That's great.
$ 19.79, sir.
So-
- Well, it was great to see you. - Yeah, you too.
- Take care of yourself. - You too.
Bye.
Hey.
You forgot your Slushee.
You're in Scottsdale right now, right?
Okay, I can come by.
I'm gonna be coming through there. I could swing right by. We could-
Christ. He's not getting it.
Did you try that?
Listen to what I'm saying, Stan! I'll-I'll-
So what happened?
Nothing. Let's get out of here.
Wait a minute. I thought you said this was a done deal.
- He said it was a done deal. - What, you didn't get anything?
Oh, my God! Where does that leave us?
Fucked. That's where it leaves us.
- I can't believe I'm hearing- Did you even try negotiating? - Yes! Of course I tried!
What do you think I-
Let's just go, okay? Let's go. Let's go.
Come on.
Let's go!
"Where's Olive?"
Oh!
All right, Frank.
- Come on, Olive. - Come on, Olive.
Come on, sweetie, jump. Jump in the car.
- We can't stop. Jump. - I got her! I got her!
Richard.
Yeah.
Whatever happens, you tried to do something on your own...
which is more than most people ever do...
and I include myself in that category.
You took a big chance. That took guts, and I'm proud of you.
Okay, Dad. Thank you.
Thank you, Dad.
Okay, here is 11.
Frank, you're 12.
And Grandpa's 13.
Can I sleep with Grandpa tonight?
Well, you'll have to ask Grandpa.
- Grandpa? - I got two beds.
You could still use some rehearsing.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
All right, everybody, we have a long day tomorrow.
I'll knock on your doors at 7:00 a. m.
That means no lollygagging.
We need to be packed and on the road by 7:40, guys.
- Frank, you guys'll be okay? - Yeah, we're fine.
- Okay, well, good night. - Good night.
- Sleep tight. - Okay.
What a fucking nightmare.
Richard, we- we have to talk.
Please.
Sheryl, let's just get through this and go home.
No, Richard, we have to talk now!
I tried to tell you we couldn't afford this trip!
- Do you realize we're becoming bankrupt? - We are not bankrupt!
Hey, don't listen to that.
Let's turn on the tube.
- We agree that the right man to preserve the traditions- - I'm gonna brush my teeth.
Secretary Rumsfeld and I thought long and hard...
about this important choice.
To me-
You said this was a lock! You said it was a done deal!
Stan Grossman said it was a done deal!
I'm not married to Stan Grossman!
I trusted him! You gotta trust to be trusted! That's step six!
Oh, fuck the nine steps, Richard!
They're not working! Forget it! It's over!
I never want to hear about the nine steps again!
Perfect. Perfect. You're the world champion growler.
Time for your beauty rest. Get in there.
There you go.
Good night.
- Grandpa? - Yeah.
I'm kinda scared about tomorrow.
Are you kiddin' me? You're gonna blow 'em out of the water.
They're not gonna know what hit 'em.
- Grandpa? - Yeah.
Am I pretty?
Olive, you are...
the most beautiful girl in the whole world.
Nah, you're just saying that.
No, I'm not. I'm madly in love with you.
And it's not because of your brains or your personality.
It's because you're beautiful, inside and out.
- Grandpa? - What?
- I don't want to be a loser. - You're not a loser.
Where'd you get the idea you're a loser?
Because Daddy hates losers.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up a minute.
You know what a loser is?
A real loser is somebody that's so afraid of not winning, they don't even try.
- Now, you're trying, right? - Yeah.
Well, then, you're not a loser. We're gonna have fun tomorrow, right?
Yeah.
We can tell 'em all to go to hell.
Good night, sweetie. I love you.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna fix this.
Richard-
I'm gonna fix this.
Here we go. Here we go.
Hi.
Hi. Stan Grossman, please.
Stan, it's Richard. I don't know where the fuck you are.
I'm at the hotel. Call me.
But it's funny.
So I said, "You want me to teach you about life experiences?
You can write a book about my experiences. "
So he says to me-
Hello, Stan.
You're the one that said it would sell!
That's what I thought at the time.
But it's a great program. You said so yourself. I don't understand.
It's not the program, Richard. It's you. Okay?
No one's heard of you. Nobody cares.
What's the next step?
There is none. We had our shot.
It didn't fly. We move on.
- You-You mean give up? - Richard.
Hey, wh-Whoa, hey! One setback here, and you're ready to just quit?
Richard, listen. I pushed this thing hard, okay?
I rammed it down their fucking throats, and no one bought it!
It's time to move on. You're not gonna win this one.
Okay. Okay. You know what?
Good. I'm glad. You know why?
Because this is what the nine steps are all about.
- Right here, Stan. Right here! - Richard.
- Richard, please. - You blew it!
You blew it. You're out.
Mom? Dad?
What is it, hon?
Grandpa won't wake up.
Want to take an eye test?
Uncle Frank? An eye test?
Olive, come here. Put those away.
We're gonna have a family meeting. Dwayne, family meeting.
First of all...
the doctors are doing everything they can to help Grandpa right now.
He's had a long, eventful life...
and I know he loves both of you very much.
But if God wants to take him, we have to be ready to accept that, okay?
Whatever happens, we're a family.
And what's important is that we love each other.
I love you guys so, so much.
Look at this. This is a 15-pound turkey.
It does it in three hours' time.
Are you the family of Edwin Hoover?
Yes.
I'm sorry. We did everything we could.
He was, uh-
Well, it was too much.
He probably just fell asleep and never woke up.
I'll have someone come talk to you about handling the remains.
Thank you.
Linda!
Mom?
Is Grandpa dead?
Yeah, honey. He passed away.
That's what this machine does. Chicken, fish or beef.
So you always look forward to eating the food.
And that, I believe-
Put it in the machine. Center it. Turn it around.
Hi. I'm your bereavement liaison, Linda.
- My consolations for your loss. - Thank you.
Okay, these are the forms you need to fill out.
A death certificate.
A report of death. An M.E. Pink slip.
Please try and be as detailed as possible.
Um, this is a brochure...
for a grief recovery support group that meets on Tuesdays.
And, if you like, at this time, I can refer you to a funeral home...
so you can begin making your own arrangements.
Actually, prearrangements have already been made in Albuquerque.
- Albuquerque? - We're actually on our way to California right now.
If the body is crossing state lines, you're gonna need a burial transit permit.
Okay, but we're trying to get to Redondo Beach by 3:00.
3:00 today? Hmm. Ain't gonna happen.
Okay, um, can I just-
I know that this is, uh- this might be a little unusual...
but if maybe we could just go.
And then we'll come back, and we'll take care of all the paperwork and-
No. You can't just abandon the body.
No, no, no. Nobody's gonna abandon the body. We're gonna go and-
Otherwise, the hospital becomes responsible.
Sir, there are ways we have of doing things.
We're gonna go and come back.
You are not the only one that's had somebody die here today, okay?
Is there any way we might be able to view the remains?
We haven't had a chance to move him downstairs...
so someone may come in in a few minutes to take him to the basement.
Just tell them who you are, and they will wait.
- Thank you. - Okay?
And when you're done with the paperwork, I'll be at the nurses' station.
- Great. Thank you, Linda. - Thank you.
Goddamn it, Dad. Goddamn it!
Stupid.
We'll go to Little Miss Sunshine next year, okay, honey?
Next year.
No. No. We've come 700 miles.
I will be damned if I'm not making that contest, Sheryl.
Well, Richard, we can't leave him here.
We're not gonna leave him.
- Richard, what are you doing? - Fuck.
- Dwayne, go around outside. - Richard, what are you thinking?
- We're gonna take him with us. - No, no. That is not happening.
He's better off with us that these people.
I want you to go around outside and underneath this window.
Dwayne, don't you dare move.
Honey, you stay here. We'll take Olive. Frank can drive.
No, Sheryl, we'll be there in two hours. I'll call a funeral home once we get there.
If there's one thing my father would have wanted...
it's to see Olive perform in the Little Miss Sunshine Pageant.
Now, I believe we'd be doing a grave disservice to his memory...
if we were to just give up now.
All right? There's two kinds of people in this world.
There's winners and there's losers. Okay? You know what the difference is?
Winners don't give up.
So what are we here? Are we winners, or are we losers?
Huh?
Okay, okay, okay. Let's do it.
You guys go. Olive, you watch the curtain.
I don't know. I have no reason to assume it's gonna be otherwise.
Watch. Get the back. Get the back.
Shh. Go, go, go.
Yeah, 1:00.
Now?
- He's very heavy. Be gentle. - Mm-hmm.
Now!
One, two-
Okay, three. Wait, wait, wait!
Not yet. Not yet.
- Okay, go. Go, go, go. - Shh, shh, shh. Okay.
Richard, I can't do it!
- I got him. I got him. - Come on.
Come on! Hurry up!
Okay, he's slipping. Okay.
Hold on.
I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.
Be careful.
- Be cool. Be cool. - Hurry up.
Keep watch, Olive.
Watch the curb. Watch the curb.
Watch his head! Watch it!
Keys.
Swing him around this way.
- Olive, get in. - Here we go.
Okay, let's go.
Sheryl. Let's go, Frank.
Did I mention that I am the preeminent Proust scholar in the U. S?
Here we go! Here we go!
Are you okay?
- Dad? - Yeah, honey?
What's gonna happen to Grandpa?
Uncle Frank?
Yeah?
Do you think there's a heaven?
That's hard to say, Olive. L- I don't think anyone knows for sure.
I know, but what do you think?
Um, well-
I think there is one.
- You think I'll get in? - Yes.
- Promise? - Yes.
Whoa! Hey! Son of a bitch!
- What happened? - He- He cut me off.
- It's stuck. - Okay, just leave it.
It's stuck or something.
- Maybe-Try pulling it from under here. - No, no. Just leave it.
- Fix it when we get there. - Okay, fine.
Shit!
Oh, Jesus! God!
I'm being pulled over. Here we go.
Okay. Everybody just pretend to be normal, okay?
Like-Like everything's normal here.
How you folks doin'?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, we're fine. Just-
- Little trouble with the horn? - Sorry. What?
- Havin' a little trouble with your horn? - Yeah.
Little trouble. Sorry. Uh, sorry.
Could you step outside the vehicle?
- Step this way, please. - No, no.
- What? - Don't-
"Don't" what?
- Do you have something in your trunk, sir? - It's nothing. L-
- Don't- Don't open it. - You've just given me probable cause to search your trunk.
- Just- I- I just- - Put your hands on the vehicle now! Now!
- Don't move. - Okay.
- It's not illegal! - Sir, I would advise you to keep your mouth shut!
Oh, my God. What is he doing?
- It's not illegal. - Goddamn.
Sir, could you come back here?
I love this stuff. I love it.
God bless ya. God bless ya.
Don't worry. I'm not gonna bust ya.
Oh, thank you.
How you doin'?
- Cute- Cute family. That's nice. - Thank you.
- This on the side. A little of this, a little of that. - It's-
- Oh, man. - Sweet- Sweetness.
That is sweet. Yeah.
- Dirty. - And this one is one of my favorites.
Ahh, good, yeah.
That's a little different choice.
No?
- Gonna leave that with ya. - All right.
- You have a good day there. - Yeah.
What happened?
I'll tell you when I regain consciousness.
Frank, Dwayne, get out and push.
Okay, there it is- Redondo Beach, 46.
It's 2:15. Might be a few minutes late.
They said 3:00 sharp. They were very explicit. We can't cross these people. Trust me.
- Mom, Dwayne has 20/20 vision. - I bet he does.
- Okay, now I'm gonna check to see if you're color blind.
Asshole!
What's the letter in the circle?
No, no, no. Inside the circle.
Right there. See?
It's an "A." Can't you see it? Right there.
It's bright green.
Oh, man.
Dwayne, I think you might be color blind.
You can't fly jets if you're color blind.
We've got a little bit of- Okay, got an emergency back here.
- I think we need to pull over. - What is it?
- What's the emergency? - Pull over.
It's all right, man. Dwayne, Dwayne! It's all right. Hold on.
- Just pull over the car! - Okay! All right!
- Could you get him to pull over, please? - Richard, pull over!
- Richard, pull over the car! - It's all right. We're pulling over.
- I'm pulling over. Stop it. - It's all right.
- Dwayne! No, no. Dwayne. Sit down. - God, this better be good.
- Pull over. - I'm pulling over. All right.
- Stop the car. It's gonna be okay, Dwayne. - All right. Don't open the door.
Dwayne? Oh, God!
Fuck!
- What happened? - He's color blind. He can't fly.
Oh, Jesus. Oh, no.
Uh, just- just give him a second.
Dwayne?
Dwayne, honey, I'm sorry.
- Dwayne, come on. We have to go. - I'm not going.
- Dwayne- - I said I'm not.
Okay? I don't care. I'm not getting on that bus again.
Dwayne, for better or worse, we're your family.
No, you're not my family! Okay? I don't wanna be your family!
I hate you fucking people! I hate you!
Divorce, bankrupt, suicide!
You fucking losers! You're losers!
No. Please just leave me here, Mom.
Okay? Please, please, please.
Please just leave me here.
Shit.
I don't know what to do.
Well, it's gettin'late.
Maybe- Can somebody stay here with him?
- I'll stay. - Oh, that is not happening.
All right. Well...
uh...
I'm just worried about the time.
Olive, you, uh-
you wanna try talking to him?
Richard, no! There is nothing to say. We just have to wait.
Honey-
Okay.
Let's go.
I apologize for the things I said.
I was upset. I didn't really mean them.
It's okay. Come on. Let's go.
2:55.
All right. Everybody, look for the exit, okay?
Okay, here! Here's the turnoff. Turn in here.
Does anybody see the Redondo Suites?
- There's the hotel! - There it is! There it is, Olive.
We're gonna make it. We're gonna make it. All right.
How- How the hell do you get over there?
- Sheryl? - No, no, no, no!
- You're passing it! - Turn around, turn around.
- You drove past it! - You've gotta turn around!
- It's back there! - I can't turn around.
- Anybody see a way back? It's a one-way street! - Oh!
Rich! You've got parking lots on the right!
- Here, here! - Put your seat belt on, baby!
- What are you doing? - I can't slow down! I can't!
- What time is it, Frank? - Oh, 2:59.
- Dad! - Straight shot from here. We're gonna make it.
- Oh, it's a dead end! - I'm not goin' back!
- You have to go back! - That is a one-way road!
That'll take us all the way back to the freeway!
- You're the one who told me to go left back there!
I'm not turnin' back.
- Richard! - It's right there.
What-What are you doing? You can't do this!
- God, Richard! - Okay, here's the hotel.
Okay, stop!
- Where's the entrance? - Right here!
You passed it! You're passing it!
Hold on!
Here we go. One more time. Little bump.
Mom!
Hello? Hi. We'd like to register.
- Sorry, we're closed. - Uh, no. We have the entrant right here.
- We just wanna check in. - Registration ended at 3:00.
- It's 3:00 now. - No.
Come on. Have a heart. We're four minutes late. We just drove all the way from Albuquerque.
- Then you should've been here by 3:00. - Wait, wait.
There must be some way we can work this out. Please.
Everybody else was here before 3:00. I'd be giving unfair advantage.
No, we're not looking for an advantage. We just want her to compete.
Don't yell at me, sir. I didn't make you late.
We've settled on the schedule for the show. We've turned off the computers.
- Our lineup is final. I have a hair check to do. - Okay-
I'm sorry that you're late, but I can't help you.
Please.
You don't know what we've been through.
Um, Miss Jenkins? L- I can put 'em in the system.
- Oh, Kirby, you don't have to. - No, it's okay. Takes five minutes.
Well, it's your time. Excuse me.
Thank you, Kirby. Thank you very much.
Really, you don't know what this means.
Please, it's only five minutes.
I am not working for these people next year. These people are crazy.
Okay, so, what's your name?
- Olive. - That's a nice name.
- Mom, Mom! Look! - What's her last name?
- It's Miss California. It's really her! - You want to go say hi?
Albuquerque-
- Thank you. - Bonnie, come here.
- Hi! What's your name? - Olive.
- What's your talent, Olive? - I like dancing.
Dancing was too hard for me. I'm a singer.
You must be a good dancer.
I am. I'm really good.
I bet you are.
Well, thanks for stopping by, Olive. Best of luck.
Hmm. Miss California?
- Do you eat ice cream? - I love ice cream.
My favorite flavor is Chocolate Cherry Garcia...
although, technically, I think that's a frozen yogurt.
- Okay? - Okay. Thanks. Bye.
Bye.
- Mom, she eats ice cream. - I heard.
Your packet has tickets in it, and there's your badge number.
- Okay. - Is there anything else?
Uh, yeah. Is there a funeral home around here?
- Hi. - Hi.
Okay, Olive, let's get your swimsuit on.
You wanna go change behind the curtain?
This is the last touch-up, everybody. Final touch-ups. Last touch-up.
- Okay! Wait! - I won't wait for you!
Let's get outta here.
Hey! Hey, Olive Hoover.
- Mm-hmm? - Hey, I need your music.
- Oh, music, right. - Yeah.
Where is it? All right.
Here you go.
- This? Did you choose this? - No, my grandpa did.
- Your grandpa? - Mm-hmm.
- Which track? - Twelve.
We were drivin' five, six hours. Thought he was napping.
By the time we figured it out, it's-
- You know. - Too late.
So where's the body?
Um-
Personal effects.
- Thank you. - You take care.
You too.
I'm ready.
- She was scared, but she did very well. - Was she?
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 24th annual...
Little Miss Sunshine Pageant!
Yes!
Now, please, put your hands together once again and help me welcome to the stage...
our 12 beautiful contestants!
Wow.
Oh, let's have a big round of applause for our lovely contestants!
At the end of the evening, one of these girls...
will be crowned Little Miss Sunshine!
Olive, honey, are you okay in there?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Hey.
What?
You got a kid in the show?
Your first time?
Yeah, yeah.
America!
It's so beautiful!
Sometimes I just wish I could go to sleep till I was 18...
and skip all this crap- high school and everything-just skip it.
You know Marcel Proust?
- He's the guy you teach. - Yeah.
French writer. Total loser.
Never had a real job.
Unrequited love affairs. Gay.
Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads.
But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare.
Anyway, he, uh- he gets down to the end of his life...
and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered-
Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was.
All the years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing.
So, if you sleep until you're 18...
ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss.
I mean, high school? High school- Those are your prime suffering years.
You don't get better suffering than that.
You know what?
Fuck beauty contests.
Life is one fucking beauty contest after another.
You know, school, then college, then work?
Fuck that.
And fuck the Air Force Academy.
If I wanna fly, I'll find a way to fly.
You do what you love, and fuck the rest.
I'm glad you're talkin' again, Dwayne.
You're not nearly as stupid as you look.
Wanna go back?
Not really.
Yeah, we should go back.
And now, the moment we've all been waiting for-
the talent competition.
Miss Carly Nugent.
Yee-haw!
Yodel-lay-he-hoo, that was great!
Wow-ow-ow-ow!
Funky-licious!
I'm goin' backstage.
Yeah, right. See ya.
Oh, look at you. Is that your costume?
Mm-hmm.
Okay, here.
- Hey, what's goin' on? - Oh, I just- I came to wish Olive good luck.
- How you doin', honey? - Good.
- Nervous. - Yeah. You're gonna do great.
I just know it.
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah.
What's up?
I don't want her to go on.
- Are you authorized to be backstage? - No. Hey.
- Where are the dressing rooms? - Are you allowed to be here?
Just tell me where the dressing rooms are.
Listen, we're not in Albuquerque anymore.
- Hey, how are you feeling? - Better. Where's Olive?
- There. What's up? - Mom, I don't want Olive doing this.
Oh, my God!
- Look around. This place is fucked! - He's right!
Look, I don't want these people judging Olive. Fuck them!
- Listen, it is too late. - No, it's not too late. You're the mom...
and you're supposed to protect her.
Everyone is gonna laugh at her, Mom. Please don't let her do this.
Olive Hoover, two minutes.
Look, she's not a beauty queen.
She's just not.
- I'm gonna tell her. - No, Dwayne. You listen to me. Olive is who she is.
She has worked so hard. She's poured everything into this.
We can't just take it away from her. We can't.
I know you wanna protect her. I know, honey, but... we gotta let Olive be Olive.
Olive Hoover. Are you the family?
Yeah. Okay?
Olive, it's time. Okay?
Yeah.
- We gotta go now. - Hang on.
Olive, look at me.
If you don't want to do this, that's okay.
If you want to sit this one out, it's totally fine by us. We're proud of you anyway.
We gotta go.
It's time.
Ready? Let's go.
Good luck, honey.
Copy that. Twenty-five is performance ready...
and we're walkin'...
as fast as we can.
- Is she going on? - Yeah.
She's going on.
Pure fairy-tale magic.
Miss Charisma Whiteman!
Wasn't that a stardust fantasy?
Thank you for that. You have been such a patient audience.
We have one more contestant, and then we'll be crowning our winner.
Please give a warm welcome to...
Miss... Olive Hoover!
You okay?
Um, I'd like to dedicate this to my grandpa...
who showed me these moves.
Oh, that is so sweet!
Is he here? Where is your grandpa right now?
In the trunk of our car.
Okay!
Well, take it away, Olive!
Huh!
You suck!
Those little fuckers. I will kill them.
You stink!
No, no, no, no, no.
What is your daughter doing?
She's kickin' ass. That's what she's doin'.
Get over here! Get over here!
- I want that little ragamuffin off the stage this minute. - All right.
- Get her. Right this minute! - Don't touch- Don't touch her.
- Your act's over, honey. - Hey!
- Hey! Hey, let go of my daughter! - Oh!
Holy sh-
Let her finish!
Get off me! Help! Get off me!
- Help me! - Take charge! Just take charge!
Keep dancin', honey! Daddy's okay.
Get your daughter off this stage right now!
Now!
Honey?
- Like that? - Oh!
- Ooh! - Ah!
Yeah! All right!
Okay, you're out-
on the condition that you never enter your daughter in a beauty pageant...
in the state of California ever again.
Ever.
I think we can live with that.
All right. We're back in business.
Lock and load.
Olive, your grandpa would've been really proud of you.
- Yeah, you were great. Mm-wah! - You were beyond great.
- You were incredible. - Thank you.
Let's get outta here.
Whoo!
It's in gear.
What in the world?