1 00:00:16,266 --> 00:00:19,811 I wouldn't want to live his life, 'cause he hasn't been happy all of his life. 2 00:00:19,895 --> 00:00:23,231 All I think is, if you can find work, stay healthy... 3 00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:25,483 find somebody to share it with, you're the ultimate success. 4 00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:29,070 He's had some of the pieces of the puzzle, but not all of them. 5 00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:33,282 "I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear..." 6 00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,451 I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear... 7 00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:39,997 "That I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States." 8 00:00:40,082 --> 00:00:42,083 That I will faithfully execute the office... 9 00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:54,846 When you're young, your potential is infinite. 10 00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:57,849 You might do anything, really. 11 00:00:57,933 --> 00:01:00,309 You might be Einstein. 12 00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:02,979 You might be DiMaggio. 13 00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:07,608 Then you get to an age when what you might be... 14 00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:10,194 gives way to what you have been. 15 00:01:10,279 --> 00:01:11,904 You weren't Einstein. 16 00:01:12,448 --> 00:01:13,990 You weren't anything. 17 00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:17,493 That's a bad moment. 18 00:01:36,889 --> 00:01:38,639 Chuck, it's Pen. 19 00:01:40,893 --> 00:01:44,687 Hey! Jesus. How'd you find me? 20 00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:47,607 You wrote me your last letter on hotel stationery. 21 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,069 It's great to see you, Pen. 22 00:01:52,154 --> 00:01:54,030 You look beautiful. 23 00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:56,824 This place is scary. 24 00:01:57,910 --> 00:02:01,162 Yeah. The human psyche. 25 00:02:01,705 --> 00:02:04,540 I came to take you back to California with me. 26 00:02:05,751 --> 00:02:08,127 - No. - It's a lonely state without you. 27 00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:11,088 I'm home, Red. 28 00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:22,433 I can't wait forever for you to marry me. 29 00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:28,731 Well, apparently, I can, but I really don't want to. 30 00:02:36,532 --> 00:02:39,075 I love you so much. 31 00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:46,290 You don't understand. 32 00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:49,544 I don't even know why. 33 00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:51,337 Penny. 34 00:02:52,381 --> 00:02:54,257 Penny, Penny, Penny. 35 00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:17,488 Listen, I gotta go, okay? I'm kind of busy right now, okay? 36 00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:20,825 It was 1981... 37 00:03:20,909 --> 00:03:25,121 and I had holed myself up in this New York hotel... 38 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,998 the Phoenix Hotel... 39 00:03:27,082 --> 00:03:30,877 terrified of everything, ashamed of my life. 40 00:03:34,798 --> 00:03:37,842 Until, finally, I realized my salvation... 41 00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:41,929 might be in recording my wasted life unflinchingly. 42 00:03:42,514 --> 00:03:46,517 Maybe it would serve as a cautionary tale... 43 00:03:46,602 --> 00:03:49,020 and maybe it would help me understand why. 44 00:03:50,314 --> 00:03:53,274 When I was 11, I had an experience... 45 00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:57,862 with my sister's friend Tuvia that left an indelible impression. 46 00:03:57,946 --> 00:03:59,447 - Hey. - What? 47 00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:01,490 - Tuvia. - What? 48 00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,284 You want to lick it? 49 00:04:04,828 --> 00:04:06,537 No. Why should I? 50 00:04:06,622 --> 00:04:08,915 Well, for one thing, it tastes like strawberry. 51 00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:11,208 My sister tells me you love strawberries. 52 00:04:11,293 --> 00:04:13,878 Yeah, well, I hate strawberries. 53 00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:17,298 No, I'm serious. It tastes exactly like a strawberry lollipop. 54 00:04:17,382 --> 00:04:18,758 I know that's not true. 55 00:04:18,842 --> 00:04:21,844 - I bet you it does. - I bet you it doesn't. 56 00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:24,096 I'll bet you a dollar. 57 00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:28,601 Tuvia. 58 00:04:28,685 --> 00:04:30,645 My first love. 59 00:04:31,146 --> 00:04:33,898 Perhaps my whole life turned at that point. 60 00:04:33,982 --> 00:04:36,525 The repulsiveness of my sex confirmed... 61 00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:40,738 by the taste buds of a ripening pubescent girl. 62 00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:42,156 What are you doing? 63 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:43,741 Get off me! 64 00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:48,079 And so I found myself in a downward spiral of debauchery... 65 00:04:48,163 --> 00:04:49,956 endlessly chasing pussy. 66 00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:57,296 My only focus in life... to get laid, to get blown... 67 00:04:57,381 --> 00:04:59,090 trying to fool myself into believing... 68 00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:01,926 that given the right combination of circumstances and deception... 69 00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:06,722 maybe the Tuvias of the world could desire me the way I desired them. 70 00:05:08,517 --> 00:05:10,518 I only wanted to be loved. 71 00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:18,067 No. 72 00:05:33,041 --> 00:05:38,796 The constant inarticulate rage led to bar fight after bar fight. 73 00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,181 New York is a city of people... 74 00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:53,477 the only state in the Union to stretch from the Atlantic Ocean to the Great Lakes. 75 00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:55,980 Directly across the avenue is— You're right again. 76 00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:59,316 I had heard that television was an industry with a future... 77 00:05:59,401 --> 00:06:03,362 so I packed up and moved from Philly to Manhattan. 78 00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:07,992 We began making commercial broadcasts in 1941... 79 00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:12,913 and in 1953, NBC made the first ever color telecast by a network... 80 00:06:12,998 --> 00:06:15,166 during The Colgate Comedy Hour. 81 00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:18,627 Now we'll have a look at the studio where they produce The Today Show... 82 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:22,381 which NBC began broadcasting in 1952. 83 00:06:22,466 --> 00:06:23,799 Excuse me, miss. 84 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:26,010 Do you know where I could apply for an NBC page? 85 00:06:26,094 --> 00:06:31,223 Such as The Perry Como Show, which you can tune into on Saturdays at 7:30. 86 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:32,850 The Nat King Cole Show... 87 00:06:32,934 --> 00:06:35,770 which you won't want to miss, on Tuesdays at 8:00 P.M. 88 00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:37,855 And hold on one second. 89 00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:40,691 Okay. 90 00:06:40,776 --> 00:06:44,987 And my personal favorite, The Lux Show starring Rosemary Clooney. 91 00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:47,156 Which you can enjoy every Thursday at 10:00. 92 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:50,701 And of course, The Steve Allen Show which delights us every Sunday at 8:00. 93 00:06:50,786 --> 00:06:52,703 You may also be interested to know that Steve Allen... 94 00:06:52,788 --> 00:06:55,748 actually got his start in entertainment as an NBC page. 95 00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:57,500 Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll follow me. 96 00:06:57,584 --> 00:07:00,961 You know Raymond, in accounting? He's kind of cute, huh? 97 00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:03,631 Cute is all well and good, Mary-Ann... 98 00:07:03,715 --> 00:07:07,218 but what you want is a man who's going places... 99 00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:10,846 a go-getter on the management fast track. 100 00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:12,431 What about Mr. Waters? 101 00:07:12,516 --> 00:07:15,142 Yeah, management training application, please, ma'am. 102 00:07:16,061 --> 00:07:18,104 How many people have applied for this so far? 103 00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:21,398 Let's see. Including you? About 2,000. 104 00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:23,859 - For how many positions? - Five. 105 00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:30,658 Thanks, ma'am. 106 00:07:36,832 --> 00:07:41,210 Sometimes, as a younger man, I stretched the truth to get what I wanted. 107 00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,796 - Tell me again! - Head of network sales at 30. 108 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,173 Head of the entire network by 40! 109 00:07:46,258 --> 00:07:51,679 I love you, Mr. Chuck Barris, management trainee. 110 00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:57,685 Life was sweet. 111 00:08:01,523 --> 00:08:03,107 For a minute. 112 00:08:03,859 --> 00:08:07,736 Everything's either madly exciting or madly interesting. 113 00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:11,991 I hope Sally never bothers herself with you. 114 00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:22,626 I got fired today. 115 00:08:22,711 --> 00:08:24,837 Fired? 116 00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:26,547 Yeah, fired. 117 00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:29,175 Fired? 118 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,637 What the fuck did you get fired for? 119 00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:35,639 I don't know. Efficiency cutbacks. 120 00:08:35,724 --> 00:08:38,350 Some bullshit. Look, it's gonna be fine. 121 00:08:41,813 --> 00:08:43,814 I'm pregnant. 122 00:08:49,905 --> 00:08:53,157 So, I figured, I'm gonna skip town. 123 00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:57,328 I intend to be important, you know? I can't be saddled with this. 124 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:03,042 But then I remembered something Carlyle said. 125 00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:08,255 "Do the duty which lies nearest thee." 126 00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:11,926 - So you see... - Who's Carlyle? 127 00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:17,932 Dear God. Why do I even bother? 128 00:09:18,642 --> 00:09:20,601 Fuck you, you condescending prick. 129 00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:24,063 Pregnant? 130 00:09:25,106 --> 00:09:27,233 Yeah, pregnant. 131 00:09:27,943 --> 00:09:28,901 Fuck you. 132 00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:30,861 What the fuck did you get pregnant for? 133 00:09:30,946 --> 00:09:32,029 Fuck you. 134 00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:34,490 What do you mean, what the fuck did I get pregnant for? 135 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:37,201 You got me fucking pregnant, you fuck! 136 00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:39,161 - Well, fuck you! - Fuck you. 137 00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:41,789 - Fuckin'— - Fuck you. 138 00:09:41,873 --> 00:09:43,040 Fuck! 139 00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:45,084 Fuck you. 140 00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:55,511 Looks like I was just late. 141 00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:04,395 Yes, we had a great time. 142 00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:09,358 The crew loved him and loved the show, you know? Because it was crazy. 143 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:12,444 And we could do anything we wanted to, sort of. 144 00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:15,572 And, yeah, they liked him very much. 145 00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:17,074 He was a good guy. 146 00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:20,577 Even though he's a prick, he's a good guy too. 147 00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,788 "What is labeled a dream faculty. 148 00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:25,874 Wouldn't school be wonderful if we had a faculty like this?" 149 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,001 You read it, all right? 150 00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:30,421 "Principal Sal Mineo, Vice Principal Tony Perkins." 151 00:10:30,505 --> 00:10:34,800 Couldn't you see going to a school where Sal Mineo is the principal? 152 00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:37,761 In '61, I had become a minor suit at ABC. 153 00:10:37,846 --> 00:10:39,763 It was during the music payola scandal... 154 00:10:39,848 --> 00:10:42,266 so myjob was to commute to Philly every day... 155 00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:46,478 to the American Bandstand tapings to keep an eye on Dick Clark. 156 00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,439 One more lady's choice of the afternoon to go... 157 00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:50,190 and suppose we make it this one, okay? 158 00:10:51,526 --> 00:10:54,611 On weekends, I used to hang around amusement parks... 159 00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:57,614 because that's where the young girls were. 160 00:10:57,699 --> 00:11:01,618 I wrote a song about my experiences. 161 00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:03,454 When you stop at the top of a Ferris wheel 162 00:11:03,538 --> 00:11:08,250 I got it to Freddy "Boom Boom" Cannon through my friendship with Dick Clark. 163 00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:10,836 Dick really wanted to help me out. 164 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,129 Hi. 165 00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:14,173 - What? - Hi. 166 00:11:15,967 --> 00:11:17,885 I wrote this song. 167 00:11:19,971 --> 00:11:23,474 It's number three on the pop charts. 168 00:11:23,558 --> 00:11:24,558 See? 169 00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,061 Yeah. 170 00:11:28,271 --> 00:11:31,023 I believe there's a great future in television. 171 00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:35,652 So I'm gonna take my royalties and I'm gonna create a pilot. 172 00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:38,655 A pilot's what they call a test TV show. 173 00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:40,324 I work in TV. 174 00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:42,743 Yeah? What's your name? I'm Chuck. 175 00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:44,453 - Debbie. - Debbie. 176 00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,038 So, you live in Philly? 177 00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:47,623 No, I live in Manhattan. 178 00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:48,999 It's gonna be a game show. 179 00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:51,085 I believe there's a great future in game shows. 180 00:11:51,169 --> 00:11:52,711 That's good. 181 00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:55,881 Yeah. Everyone loves game shows, right? 182 00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:59,176 - I don't know. - Well, they do. 183 00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:01,053 Well, that's great then. 184 00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:03,138 I'm on my way. 185 00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:17,778 Hello. 186 00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:19,154 Hi. 187 00:12:23,284 --> 00:12:25,327 Don't be alarmed. I'm here with Debbie. 188 00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:28,330 Yeah, I figured that. Hungry? 189 00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:31,041 No, thanks. 190 00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:32,126 Thirsty? 191 00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:36,463 Sure, if you have a beer or... 192 00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:46,098 How was sex with Debbie? I always wanted to know. 193 00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:49,685 It was good. Fine. Thanks for asking. 194 00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,270 No problem. 195 00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:56,316 I just got fucked by this drummer cat- a real righteous Negro hipster. 196 00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:57,901 Interesting. 197 00:12:57,986 --> 00:13:01,905 I'm into the brotherhood of man. I fucked an Oriental last week. 198 00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:04,491 - What are you? - Jew. 199 00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:06,827 I had one of those once, but he was Sephardic. 200 00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:08,871 You look Ashke-nazi. 201 00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:11,665 - Ashkenazi. - Right, Ashke-nazi. 202 00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:16,670 - I haven't had one of those yet. - You're romantic. 203 00:13:16,754 --> 00:13:20,382 I just don't get into all the bullshit between cats and chicks. 204 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,676 - I know what you mean. - You know what I mean? 205 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:25,637 Besides, you just give your heart to one cat and you get hurt. 206 00:13:25,722 --> 00:13:27,347 Don't I know it. 207 00:13:31,895 --> 00:13:34,229 We could ball if you want. 208 00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:41,236 That would be good. 209 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:44,531 Yeah, but- 210 00:13:44,616 --> 00:13:47,868 I'm here with Debbie. It doesn't seem right. 211 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:56,168 That's true. I didn't think of that. 212 00:13:58,254 --> 00:14:00,923 Well, I'm going to bed. It was nice meeting you. 213 00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:02,925 Hey, what's your name? 214 00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:07,012 I'm Penny. 215 00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:08,430 I'm Chuck. 216 00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,224 - Chuck Barris. - Yeah. 217 00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:11,892 Yeah, you wrote that Palisades song. 218 00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:14,394 - I really like that song. - Thanks. 219 00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:16,230 Yeah, it's real sentimental bullshit. 220 00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:18,607 Right. 221 00:15:30,138 --> 00:15:34,850 Last night in my dream, this ape and I are sitting staring at each other... 222 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,477 and it was across time and evolution. 223 00:15:37,562 --> 00:15:41,773 And then he started talking, but in a language I didn't really understand. 224 00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:44,651 Swiss, maybe. 225 00:15:45,737 --> 00:15:49,656 And then he turned into Perry Como- real square. 226 00:15:49,741 --> 00:15:51,825 - What's wrong with you? - Nothing. 227 00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:55,078 Just because we fucked doesn't mean there are strings now. 228 00:15:55,163 --> 00:15:56,371 Okay. 229 00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:58,123 I just wanted to tell you about my dream. 230 00:15:58,207 --> 00:16:00,917 Nothing more complicated than that. Don't panic. 231 00:16:01,002 --> 00:16:03,962 I'm just not used to all this dating bullshit. 232 00:16:04,047 --> 00:16:07,758 Now we're a couple. Now I'm obliged to give a shit what you say. 233 00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:10,552 Don't worry. I'm not into those games either. 234 00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:15,223 So anyway, the monkey turns into Perry Como, and I say... 235 00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:16,850 - Holy fuck. - What? 236 00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:18,769 Holy, holy fuck. 237 00:16:18,853 --> 00:16:22,439 You just gave me an idea for a show. Fuck! 238 00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:23,982 A show about monkeys? 239 00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:25,942 No, about people. 240 00:16:26,027 --> 00:16:30,530 About sex, about romance, about the bullshit of dating. 241 00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:34,117 I call it The Dating Game. 242 00:16:34,202 --> 00:16:37,162 And that's what it's about, Mr. Goldberg. 243 00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:43,377 A pretty girl asks three handsome guys- who she can't see... silly questions. 244 00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:45,379 And based on their answers... 245 00:16:45,463 --> 00:16:49,091 she picks one to date, and we pay for the date. 246 00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,884 That's it. That's the show. 247 00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:01,812 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! 248 00:17:01,896 --> 00:17:04,147 - Hot damn! - What? What? What? 249 00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:05,440 - They bought it! - Yeah! 250 00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:07,150 They bought it! 251 00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:10,612 They're giving me 7,500 fuckin' dollars to make a pilot! 252 00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,823 We gotta go celebrate! Let's go roller skating! 253 00:17:12,907 --> 00:17:14,282 I can't! I got a date! 254 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,826 Okay, cool. Will you call me after? 255 00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:17,911 - Okay! - Okay! Bye! 256 00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:12,632 I figured I was in. 257 00:18:12,717 --> 00:18:18,221 All I had to do was get the pilot made, and I'd be a millionaire. 258 00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:20,891 Everyone would love me. 259 00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:24,603 Was anyone ever so young? 260 00:18:24,687 --> 00:18:27,314 - No. - No. 261 00:18:27,398 --> 00:18:28,356 No. 262 00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:30,567 All right. Lose it. 263 00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:33,069 ABC didn't like The Dating Game. 264 00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:35,322 They did like a show called Hootenanny. 265 00:18:35,406 --> 00:18:37,365 I like this one. 266 00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:40,494 Well, he led an amazingly long life. 267 00:18:40,578 --> 00:18:42,788 Hooten-fuckin'-nanny. 268 00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:48,126 What do they know? 269 00:18:48,211 --> 00:18:50,837 That's long for a dog. 270 00:18:52,757 --> 00:18:55,008 I don't know. Probably about 70 to you and me. 271 00:19:03,392 --> 00:19:06,686 It's nine years to every one of ours. 272 00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:14,152 Yeah. 273 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:21,785 I'm sorry about your show. 274 00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:25,789 What? How long has he been dead? 275 00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:27,791 Jesus, Phoebe, that's- 276 00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:29,334 Yeah. No, I'll hold on. 277 00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:31,336 - Is that your mom? - My sister. 278 00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:33,129 Come here. 279 00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:35,507 Oh, yeah. I got you these. 280 00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:36,883 Listen, Pen, I'm not- 281 00:19:36,968 --> 00:19:39,302 I want to tell you something. I talked to a psychic today. 282 00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:41,304 - A what? - A psychic. 283 00:19:41,389 --> 00:19:44,307 And she said that you are gonna be very successful. 284 00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:47,143 - Really? - Very successful. 285 00:19:47,228 --> 00:19:50,689 - Tarot cards? - Tea leaves. 286 00:19:50,773 --> 00:19:53,650 Say that again, Phoebe. I missed it. 287 00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:55,402 Tuvia? 288 00:19:55,486 --> 00:19:57,571 No, why would I have seen her? 289 00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:01,700 - She did? - Who's Tuvia? 290 00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:04,911 - To Manhattan? - Who's Tuvia? 291 00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:07,581 Yeah. 292 00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:16,006 Your niece. 293 00:20:16,090 --> 00:20:18,633 Divorced? Really? 294 00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,927 I didn't know she got married. 295 00:20:22,013 --> 00:20:23,221 Yes? 296 00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:27,893 Hi, Tuvia. 297 00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:33,523 Well, if it isn't Strawberry Dick Barris. 298 00:20:33,608 --> 00:20:36,109 What do you want? 299 00:20:36,193 --> 00:20:39,154 I'm back in town for a while, and I thought maybe... 300 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:40,697 Jesus, you gotta be kidding. 301 00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:42,073 We could go out and get an ice cream cone. 302 00:20:42,325 --> 00:20:46,036 He's so convincing when he's talkin' with you. 303 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:48,288 He could convince you of anything. 304 00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:54,127 He's one of the very few guys I'd like to have on my side in a street fight. 305 00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:56,338 You wanna fight, you big pile of shit? 306 00:21:09,018 --> 00:21:11,353 You're a pretty angry young fella. 307 00:21:11,437 --> 00:21:14,898 - Can't fight worth a damn, though. - Hey, screw off, queer. 308 00:21:14,982 --> 00:21:18,068 Don't think I haven't seen you watching me in that bar for a week now. 309 00:21:18,152 --> 00:21:20,028 Kind of a loner, I'd say. 310 00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:22,489 Fairly bright, a tad antisocial. 311 00:21:22,573 --> 00:21:25,075 Mad at the world. Can I buy you lunch? 312 00:21:26,869 --> 00:21:30,580 There's a school yard half a block down. Why don't you go trollin' there? 313 00:21:31,624 --> 00:21:33,750 I can teach you at least 30 different ways... 314 00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:36,419 to kill a man with a single blow, Mr. Barris. 315 00:21:36,504 --> 00:21:39,422 It might help in future bar fights. Just a thought. 316 00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:43,969 And there's money in it— good money. 317 00:21:45,179 --> 00:21:47,597 I figure if I can keep afloat... 318 00:21:47,682 --> 00:21:49,933 until I come up with the next game show idea... 319 00:21:50,017 --> 00:21:52,018 then all would be copacetic. 320 00:21:52,103 --> 00:21:54,437 That sounds great, Chuck. 321 00:21:54,522 --> 00:21:58,274 I've never known a television producer before. I'm impressed. 322 00:21:58,359 --> 00:22:00,276 Yeah. Okay. 323 00:22:00,361 --> 00:22:02,737 What's this money and a deal you were talking about? 324 00:22:02,822 --> 00:22:05,156 I work for a government agency. 325 00:22:05,241 --> 00:22:07,784 We're always looking for good, enthusiastic men... 326 00:22:07,868 --> 00:22:10,203 to help us carry out our directives. 327 00:22:17,378 --> 00:22:19,462 What kind of work? What government agency? 328 00:22:20,798 --> 00:22:23,633 Problem-solving work. 329 00:22:23,718 --> 00:22:25,593 The Office of Diplomatic Security. 330 00:22:25,678 --> 00:22:29,222 Office of what? I never heard of it. 331 00:22:29,306 --> 00:22:31,683 Is that the fuckin' CIA or something? 332 00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:36,896 Please be discreet, Mr. Barris. 333 00:22:49,744 --> 00:22:51,119 Jesus. 334 00:22:51,203 --> 00:22:53,246 It is the fuckin' CIA? 335 00:22:55,041 --> 00:22:56,958 Yeah. Hell, I'll be a spy. 336 00:22:57,043 --> 00:23:00,879 Where do I sign up? Are you fuckin' with me? You're fuckin' with me, aren't you? 337 00:23:00,963 --> 00:23:04,632 Hardly. And you wouldn't be working for the company. 338 00:23:04,717 --> 00:23:07,469 You'd be an independent contract agent. 339 00:23:07,553 --> 00:23:08,803 Independent. 340 00:23:08,888 --> 00:23:11,097 No official tie to any agency. 341 00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:14,225 Understand? 342 00:23:17,313 --> 00:23:18,772 Why me? 343 00:23:20,274 --> 00:23:24,235 Well, as you know, I've been watching you. For quite some time, actually. 344 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,863 I've only let you know about it for the last week. 345 00:23:26,947 --> 00:23:30,784 I'm happy to report you fit our profile, Mr. Barris. 346 00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:33,953 Are you interested in the work? 347 00:23:36,874 --> 00:23:38,124 What's the profile? 348 00:23:38,209 --> 00:23:42,378 Are you interested in the work, Mr. Barris? 349 00:23:42,463 --> 00:23:44,964 Yeah, sure. I wanna be a secret agent. 350 00:23:45,049 --> 00:23:46,549 A contract agent, whatever. 351 00:23:46,634 --> 00:23:48,885 Get to fuck beautiful Eastern European women- 352 00:23:48,969 --> 00:23:51,387 What we do is very serious, Mr. Barris. 353 00:23:51,472 --> 00:23:54,390 It's essential in quelling the rise of communism... 354 00:23:54,475 --> 00:23:58,978 and allowing democracy to get its rightful foothold around the globe. 355 00:23:59,063 --> 00:24:01,147 You understand? 356 00:24:02,858 --> 00:24:04,859 Sure. 357 00:24:04,944 --> 00:24:06,236 Yeah. 358 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:08,696 Yeah, okay. That's good. 359 00:24:24,004 --> 00:24:28,925 There are several efficient methods for killing a man... 360 00:24:29,009 --> 00:24:30,885 were you to find yourself without a weapon. 361 00:24:32,179 --> 00:24:36,558 The edge of your hand against your adversary's Adam's apple. 362 00:24:36,642 --> 00:24:38,977 This will crush his windpipe... 363 00:24:39,061 --> 00:24:41,771 causing strangulation... 364 00:24:41,856 --> 00:24:43,273 and death. 365 00:24:49,363 --> 00:24:50,864 Shit! 366 00:24:52,533 --> 00:24:54,701 I need another volunteer. 367 00:24:57,538 --> 00:25:01,124 - You're training me to be a killer. - See, Chuck, I knew you were fairly bright. 368 00:25:01,208 --> 00:25:04,627 I'm not killin' people. My future's in television. 369 00:25:04,712 --> 00:25:08,047 You're 32 years old, and you've achieved nothing. 370 00:25:08,132 --> 00:25:12,093 Jesus Christ was dead and alive again by 33. You better get crackin'. 371 00:25:12,178 --> 00:25:14,137 - I have ideas for shows. - Good. 372 00:25:14,221 --> 00:25:16,723 Why don't you spend another six months developing them... 373 00:25:16,807 --> 00:25:20,059 while you're staring out the window waiting for Larry Goldberg to call. 374 00:25:21,061 --> 00:25:24,564 - How do you know all this? - I know everything about you, Chuck. 375 00:25:24,648 --> 00:25:26,441 I know which hand you jerk off with. 376 00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:30,111 Left. Leave in the morning, if you want. 377 00:25:30,196 --> 00:25:33,323 I'm here to tell you, this is honest work for good pay. 378 00:25:33,407 --> 00:25:37,035 You're making the world safer and your country will be grateful. 379 00:25:38,454 --> 00:25:40,788 It'll toughen you up. 380 00:25:40,873 --> 00:25:42,749 Wait a second! 381 00:25:43,417 --> 00:25:45,835 Hey, we gotta talk about this. 382 00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:50,298 And there it was... my defining moment. 383 00:25:50,382 --> 00:25:52,926 I wasn'tjust gonna work for the CIA. 384 00:25:53,010 --> 00:25:55,511 I was gonna kill for them. 385 00:25:57,431 --> 00:25:59,724 Call it patriotism. 386 00:26:40,808 --> 00:26:45,770 Glycerine is, of course, the best known nitrating agent. 387 00:26:45,854 --> 00:26:50,858 Keep in mind, though, that nitro glycerine... 388 00:26:50,943 --> 00:26:52,986 is extremely unstable. 389 00:26:55,114 --> 00:26:57,573 A slight tap... 390 00:26:57,658 --> 00:27:01,494 a one-degree change in temperature... 391 00:27:01,578 --> 00:27:04,163 and it'll blow up in your hands. 392 00:27:07,835 --> 00:27:09,919 So, let's mix us up a batch! 393 00:27:10,004 --> 00:27:15,216 Everybody take your 75-milliliter beaker and fill it up to the 13-milliliter level... 394 00:27:15,301 --> 00:27:18,094 with red-hot fumin' nitric acid- 395 00:27:18,178 --> 00:27:20,179 98% concentration. 396 00:27:23,851 --> 00:27:25,435 The field phone- 397 00:27:25,519 --> 00:27:29,772 used as an instrument of interrogation or torture. 398 00:27:34,611 --> 00:27:38,197 Attaching firmly to the genitalia. 399 00:27:40,659 --> 00:27:42,618 Hey, Ivan! 400 00:27:42,703 --> 00:27:46,539 Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party? 401 00:27:46,623 --> 00:27:50,043 What's your Aunt Tillie's recipe for vodka cookies? 402 00:28:01,638 --> 00:28:03,431 All right, Jack. 403 00:28:03,515 --> 00:28:05,183 Take care, Lee. 404 00:28:31,168 --> 00:28:33,503 I know a lot about him that you are not gonna know. 405 00:28:33,587 --> 00:28:34,921 I can't tell you. 406 00:28:35,005 --> 00:28:36,506 Yeah. 407 00:28:36,590 --> 00:28:42,136 I know some things about him that are very distressing, and— 408 00:28:42,763 --> 00:28:45,973 and you wouldn't want to know them about him. 409 00:28:59,113 --> 00:29:01,322 So, what did this guy Renda do, anyway? 410 00:29:01,407 --> 00:29:04,784 It's yourjob to follow directives, not question their validity. 411 00:29:15,838 --> 00:29:17,380 Hermano, help me, please. 412 00:29:19,466 --> 00:29:20,466 No, no. No, no. 413 00:29:20,551 --> 00:29:22,301 Can I be of some assistance? 414 00:29:22,386 --> 00:29:23,553 He's a bad guy. 415 00:29:23,637 --> 00:29:25,972 He's one of the bad guys. 416 00:29:27,057 --> 00:29:28,724 Bad for the US, right, Jim? 417 00:29:28,809 --> 00:29:31,477 Not bad in an absolute sense, just bad for the US. 418 00:29:31,562 --> 00:29:32,979 Don't fuckin' dance with me. 419 00:29:33,063 --> 00:29:36,774 Renda's bad for the Tea and Biscuit Company. He's bad for me personally. 420 00:29:36,859 --> 00:29:39,569 You work for me. Renda's bad for me. 421 00:29:39,653 --> 00:29:43,698 You're now officially a patriotic citizen of the United States ofJim Byrd. 422 00:29:43,782 --> 00:29:46,701 There's no backing out now. We've let you in on everything. 423 00:29:46,785 --> 00:29:48,453 You don't play, you don't leave. 424 00:29:48,537 --> 00:29:52,331 You understand that? You don't play, you don't leave. 425 00:29:56,003 --> 00:29:58,171 I like you. I do. 426 00:29:58,255 --> 00:30:02,341 And you're gonna do fine tomorrow, and we're gonna become good friends. 427 00:30:07,973 --> 00:30:10,850 You can have a nice little career, but you have to grow up. 428 00:30:10,934 --> 00:30:12,351 There's a war on. 429 00:30:55,312 --> 00:30:57,647 Beautiful country, isn't it? 430 00:30:57,731 --> 00:30:58,940 Yeah. 431 00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:02,902 You did us proud today, Chuck. 432 00:31:04,071 --> 00:31:07,949 Renda was a bad guy. He really was. 433 00:31:16,583 --> 00:31:18,501 Chuck, is that you? 434 00:31:18,710 --> 00:31:21,671 Jesus Christ, Pen! You scared the shit out of me. 435 00:31:21,755 --> 00:31:23,047 - Were you throwing up? - What are you doing here? 436 00:31:23,131 --> 00:31:26,509 I've been crashing here for a while. I've been waiting for you. Where you been? 437 00:31:26,593 --> 00:31:28,511 Mexico. I was just on a little vacation. 438 00:31:28,595 --> 00:31:30,721 You didn't drink the water, did you? 439 00:31:30,806 --> 00:31:33,015 - Yeah. - You're not supposed to. 440 00:31:33,100 --> 00:31:34,308 That's Montessori's revenge. 441 00:31:34,393 --> 00:31:35,977 - Montezuma's. - Right. 442 00:31:36,061 --> 00:31:39,605 You can't even open your eyes or your mouth when you take a shower there. 443 00:31:39,690 --> 00:31:42,275 Why is our water so good, and their water is poisoned? 444 00:31:42,359 --> 00:31:45,361 - It's in the same ocean. - I don't know. 445 00:31:50,033 --> 00:31:51,450 I'm a hippie now. 446 00:31:53,996 --> 00:31:55,121 Wow. Great. 447 00:31:55,205 --> 00:31:56,998 I've been to San Francisco, and it's amazing there. 448 00:31:57,082 --> 00:32:00,626 Everybody loves everybody, and there's so many colors. 449 00:32:00,711 --> 00:32:02,461 And we're gonna change the world. 450 00:32:04,548 --> 00:32:07,008 Will you come back there and be my old man with me? 451 00:32:08,468 --> 00:32:09,927 Well, not that old. 452 00:32:10,012 --> 00:32:11,804 Penny, I'm a little tired now, so maybe- 453 00:32:11,888 --> 00:32:14,140 Wait. Wait. I got to play you this song. 454 00:32:40,667 --> 00:32:44,045 Penny, what did you do to my wall? 455 00:32:44,963 --> 00:32:47,548 Some guy called— Gold bird. 456 00:32:47,633 --> 00:32:51,385 Gold bird. Larry Goldberg? You're kidding me! 457 00:32:52,429 --> 00:32:55,389 Hi. This is Chuck Barris returning for Larry Goldberg. 458 00:32:56,558 --> 00:32:58,851 - Hi, Chuck. - Mr. Goldberg. 459 00:32:58,935 --> 00:33:00,811 I'm so sorry I didn't get back to you right away. 460 00:33:00,896 --> 00:33:03,022 I was out of town. I was on vacation in Mexico. 461 00:33:03,106 --> 00:33:04,398 Good for you. 462 00:33:04,483 --> 00:33:06,442 Listen, I'm sitting here and going through things... 463 00:33:06,526 --> 00:33:08,819 and I have a hole in my daytime schedule. 464 00:33:08,904 --> 00:33:10,946 I think it might be right for you and your baby. 465 00:33:11,031 --> 00:33:12,448 My baby, Mr. Goldberg? 466 00:33:12,532 --> 00:33:15,868 Chuck, Dating Game. Isn't that your baby? 467 00:33:15,952 --> 00:33:18,204 - Yes, sir, it is. - You still interested? 468 00:33:18,288 --> 00:33:19,914 Yes, sir. Very interested, sir. 469 00:33:19,998 --> 00:33:23,709 I've got six weeks to get this on the air. Is that doable for you and your people? 470 00:33:23,794 --> 00:33:25,461 My people? 471 00:33:25,545 --> 00:33:27,963 Six weeks? Sure, yeah. 472 00:33:28,048 --> 00:33:30,841 Give me a call when you get to LA, Chuck. 473 00:33:34,262 --> 00:33:35,262 Goddamn. 474 00:33:35,347 --> 00:33:39,725 Hot dog. Fucking shit. Piss. 475 00:33:39,810 --> 00:33:41,852 Who's Larry Goldberg? 476 00:33:47,818 --> 00:33:51,570 Bachelor number one, what would I like most about you? 477 00:33:52,781 --> 00:33:57,785 I'm very romantic, and I'd send you flowers every day. 478 00:33:57,869 --> 00:33:59,829 That's so sweet. 479 00:33:59,913 --> 00:34:02,957 Bachelor number three, what would I like most about you? 480 00:34:04,376 --> 00:34:06,085 My big cock. 481 00:34:14,469 --> 00:34:18,431 Bachelor number one, what nationality are you? 482 00:34:20,016 --> 00:34:21,642 My daddy is Welsh. 483 00:34:21,727 --> 00:34:23,227 My mama's Hungarian. 484 00:34:23,311 --> 00:34:27,148 So I guess that makes me well-hung. 485 00:34:29,943 --> 00:34:34,321 Bachelor number two, I play the trombone. 486 00:34:34,406 --> 00:34:37,616 If I blew you, what would you sound like? 487 00:34:38,660 --> 00:34:40,411 What would I sound like? 488 00:34:41,705 --> 00:34:43,164 All right. 489 00:34:59,264 --> 00:35:01,599 That's nice. Don't stop. 490 00:35:08,690 --> 00:35:10,483 Blow it, baby. 491 00:35:20,911 --> 00:35:23,913 Chuck, quite frankly, these episodes are unairable. 492 00:35:23,997 --> 00:35:27,166 Look, Larry, the show's spontaneous. 493 00:35:27,250 --> 00:35:29,877 It's unscripted. That's its charm. 494 00:35:29,961 --> 00:35:31,712 I can't help what people say. 495 00:35:31,797 --> 00:35:36,634 Be that as it may, we can't have black men getting blowjobs on national television! 496 00:35:36,718 --> 00:35:38,552 The point is not that he's black, Hank. 497 00:35:38,637 --> 00:35:39,970 Well, I know that. 498 00:35:40,055 --> 00:35:42,056 Chuck, that's it. We can't air this stuff. 499 00:35:42,140 --> 00:35:44,767 If you can't retain your spontaneity on the show... 500 00:35:44,851 --> 00:35:46,685 without this lewd conduct, it's over. 501 00:35:46,770 --> 00:35:48,771 It's finished. You're history. 502 00:35:48,855 --> 00:35:51,357 Fix this fucking thing, or we got a problem. 503 00:35:54,945 --> 00:35:56,278 Hi, folks. 504 00:35:56,363 --> 00:35:57,822 Before we begin taping today... 505 00:35:57,906 --> 00:36:02,451 I'd like to introduce you to Mr. PeterJenks of the Federal Communications Commission. 506 00:36:02,536 --> 00:36:03,744 Okay? 507 00:36:07,874 --> 00:36:09,250 Thank you, Mr. Barris. 508 00:36:23,807 --> 00:36:29,395 I don't know if any of you are aware of this... 509 00:36:31,356 --> 00:36:35,943 but it's a federal offense to make lascivious remarks... 510 00:36:36,027 --> 00:36:38,904 on a television network broadcast. 511 00:36:42,617 --> 00:36:44,285 The penalty... 512 00:36:47,455 --> 00:36:49,290 for this disgusting... 513 00:36:52,669 --> 00:36:54,753 un-American... 514 00:36:54,838 --> 00:36:57,006 behavior... 515 00:36:57,090 --> 00:37:00,134 is one year in prison... 516 00:37:00,218 --> 00:37:02,887 or a $10,000 fine... 517 00:37:02,971 --> 00:37:04,763 or both! 518 00:37:07,601 --> 00:37:09,184 Anyone... 519 00:37:09,936 --> 00:37:13,939 making a sick subversive remark tonight... 520 00:37:14,024 --> 00:37:16,066 will be arrested immediately. 521 00:37:16,151 --> 00:37:19,445 I, then, will personally escort the offender to federal prison... 522 00:37:19,529 --> 00:37:22,364 for booking under edict number 364... 523 00:37:22,449 --> 00:37:25,868 of the Broadcasting Act of 1963. 524 00:37:25,952 --> 00:37:30,706 And it's a long drive to that prison, baby. 525 00:37:30,790 --> 00:37:32,958 Just you and me. 526 00:37:33,710 --> 00:37:35,920 No witnesses! 527 00:37:53,188 --> 00:37:56,607 Okay, have fun, everybody. All right. 528 00:37:56,691 --> 00:37:59,568 They gave everybodyjackets with their names on them... 529 00:37:59,653 --> 00:38:02,738 and when we got number-one ratings on Saturday nights... 530 00:38:02,822 --> 00:38:04,448 everybody got a gold plaque. 531 00:38:04,532 --> 00:38:08,869 And so, he was a good boss and obviously had the common touch... 532 00:38:08,954 --> 00:38:12,206 because he really knew what people wanted to watch. 533 00:38:13,291 --> 00:38:17,252 We aired and became a big hit. A phenomenon, really. 534 00:38:17,337 --> 00:38:18,963 Hey, baby. 535 00:38:20,090 --> 00:38:22,257 I got a story to tell you. 536 00:38:22,342 --> 00:38:24,051 - Asshole. - I know, I know. 537 00:38:25,720 --> 00:38:27,388 - I got a little story for you. - I'm busy. 538 00:38:27,472 --> 00:38:29,723 We're in the middle of a bachelorette crisis out there. 539 00:38:29,808 --> 00:38:31,266 Sit down. Relax. 540 00:38:31,351 --> 00:38:35,312 Take a load off. Make yourself at home. I just got a call from the network. 541 00:38:35,397 --> 00:38:37,064 - You want a drink? - You got any weed? 542 00:38:37,148 --> 00:38:39,858 I wish. No, no weed. 543 00:38:39,943 --> 00:38:41,193 Then I'll have a drink. 544 00:38:42,278 --> 00:38:43,612 Bad news? 545 00:38:43,697 --> 00:38:46,073 The Tammy Grimes Show is being pulled from Saturday night. 546 00:38:46,157 --> 00:38:48,325 Not Tammy. 547 00:38:49,369 --> 00:38:52,871 They want me to put a prime-time version of The Dating Game on in its place. 548 00:38:54,874 --> 00:38:57,126 - That's fucking great. - Yeah, it's great. 549 00:38:57,210 --> 00:38:58,794 But they say the daytime version is not hot enough. 550 00:38:58,878 --> 00:39:00,713 They want me to make it more exciting for nighttime. 551 00:39:00,797 --> 00:39:02,715 I got 48 hours. 552 00:39:05,218 --> 00:39:06,719 What have you got? 553 00:39:07,971 --> 00:39:10,639 I don't have a clue. I got nothing. I got bupkus. 554 00:39:10,724 --> 00:39:13,809 This is a big deal, Loretta. This could be my big break. 555 00:39:13,893 --> 00:39:15,561 I know. 556 00:39:18,815 --> 00:39:21,734 - Don't blow it. - Thanks for the help. 557 00:39:43,923 --> 00:39:45,507 Let me ask you something, Chuck. 558 00:39:45,592 --> 00:39:48,343 Jesus. What are you doing here? 559 00:39:48,428 --> 00:39:51,805 I've been put in charge of a fairly large wet operation... 560 00:39:51,890 --> 00:39:53,724 and I could use your help. 561 00:39:57,937 --> 00:39:59,605 Have you noticed, Jim? I got a TV show on the air. 562 00:39:59,689 --> 00:40:01,356 I don't need to kill people for hire anymore. 563 00:40:01,441 --> 00:40:04,485 I know you don't need to, but you like to. 564 00:40:04,569 --> 00:40:05,944 Bullshit. 565 00:40:06,029 --> 00:40:09,323 Think of it as a hobby... something you do to relax. 566 00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:13,452 You can be an assassination enthusiast, a murder bug. 567 00:40:13,536 --> 00:40:16,455 I got important things to think about here. I don't have time to fuck around with you. 568 00:40:16,539 --> 00:40:20,709 This is serious work we're talking about, Chuck— serious work. 569 00:40:20,794 --> 00:40:23,170 How about I help you out with your little show... 570 00:40:23,254 --> 00:40:24,838 you help me out with my little operation? 571 00:40:24,923 --> 00:40:26,632 Tit for tat. That's the kind of guy I am. 572 00:40:26,716 --> 00:40:29,009 Oh, yeah. You're a piece of work. 573 00:40:29,094 --> 00:40:32,137 I've seen this Dating Game of yours, Chuck, and I do have a thought. 574 00:40:33,139 --> 00:40:35,015 What, now you're a big television producer? 575 00:40:35,100 --> 00:40:37,434 I'm John Q. Public when it comes to TV... 576 00:40:37,519 --> 00:40:40,187 and that should make my opinion ofvalue to you. 577 00:40:40,814 --> 00:40:43,816 - All right, let's hear it, then. - All right. 578 00:40:44,609 --> 00:40:48,695 Some couple gets sent to some second-rate shit-can restaurant... 579 00:40:48,780 --> 00:40:50,405 setting you back 50 bucks? 580 00:40:50,490 --> 00:40:54,576 That's not too exciting a prize for us vicarious living boobs out in TV land. 581 00:40:54,661 --> 00:40:57,079 - What's your point? - Up the stakes, Chuck. 582 00:40:57,163 --> 00:41:02,626 Send them to some exotic locale... Europe, Southeast Asia, for example. 583 00:41:04,087 --> 00:41:07,214 The network's not going to let me send two unmarried kids on vacation together. 584 00:41:07,298 --> 00:41:09,299 Send them with a chaperone. 585 00:41:12,345 --> 00:41:13,804 That's... 586 00:41:18,476 --> 00:41:21,270 - That's not half bad. - I'm telling you. 587 00:41:21,354 --> 00:41:24,106 Sometimes you could be the chaperone. 588 00:41:24,190 --> 00:41:26,483 Say we have a job for you in Austria. 589 00:41:26,568 --> 00:41:30,779 You, a successful television producer chaperones a young couple. 590 00:41:30,864 --> 00:41:33,490 While there, you take care of some company business. 591 00:41:33,575 --> 00:41:34,992 It's a perfect cover. 592 00:41:35,076 --> 00:41:38,328 TV producer by day, CIA operative at night. 593 00:41:38,413 --> 00:41:42,249 I got money, Jim. I don't have to kill people for money anymore. 594 00:41:42,333 --> 00:41:44,126 Chuck, when I said you fit the profile... 595 00:41:44,210 --> 00:41:47,045 very little of that meant you needed the money. 596 00:41:47,130 --> 00:41:49,965 You liked it with Renda. I saw it in your eyes. 597 00:41:51,009 --> 00:41:53,343 You liked it, but you botched it. 598 00:41:56,014 --> 00:41:58,640 You could be a great warrior, Chuck. 599 00:41:58,725 --> 00:42:02,144 Bachelor number three, if we were fixed up on a date... 600 00:42:02,228 --> 00:42:04,813 and I ignored you, what would you do to win my affection? 601 00:42:04,898 --> 00:42:07,900 This guy's never been on a date. Ready, four. Take four. 602 00:42:07,984 --> 00:42:12,279 Well, I'm not used to being ignored, but I would give you your space. 603 00:42:12,363 --> 00:42:15,032 The only date this guy's had is with his right hand. 604 00:42:17,493 --> 00:42:18,827 Ready, one. Take one. 605 00:42:21,122 --> 00:42:24,708 Bachelor number three, what if I pick you... 606 00:42:24,792 --> 00:42:27,336 God, she's going for the three. 607 00:42:27,420 --> 00:42:29,004 Ready, four. Take four. 608 00:42:29,088 --> 00:42:34,176 The only way that you could be ugly is by what you say or do. 609 00:42:34,260 --> 00:42:36,762 I don't know. From where I'm sitting, I think you're beautiful. 610 00:42:36,846 --> 00:42:38,138 I can't believe it. 611 00:42:38,223 --> 00:42:39,598 Bachelor number three... 612 00:42:39,682 --> 00:42:43,018 can you please tell me what a girl is like who has never been on a date before... 613 00:42:43,102 --> 00:42:44,728 and how you can tell? 614 00:42:45,813 --> 00:42:50,484 Wel, I'll ask her what she likes to do... 615 00:42:50,568 --> 00:42:53,737 and if she doesn't know what she likes to do... 616 00:42:53,821 --> 00:42:55,906 then I'll know she hasn't done it yet. 617 00:43:09,379 --> 00:43:11,421 Why don't you talk to her? 618 00:43:11,506 --> 00:43:12,965 You can do that. 619 00:43:13,633 --> 00:43:16,051 She's real shy. 620 00:43:16,135 --> 00:43:18,762 You have to tell her. That's yourjob. 621 00:43:18,846 --> 00:43:23,809 Tell her that that I think she's real pretty and I want to be her boyfriend. 622 00:43:25,311 --> 00:43:29,147 I'm shy too. You got to tell her that, Chuck. 623 00:43:29,232 --> 00:43:30,607 I used to skate when I was young. 624 00:43:30,692 --> 00:43:32,901 I told her that. She didn't even look at me. 625 00:43:32,986 --> 00:43:35,570 You got to talk to her, Chuck. It's yourjob. 626 00:43:35,655 --> 00:43:38,824 She picked me. She didn't pick those other guys. 627 00:43:39,534 --> 00:43:41,326 You're the chaperone, Chuck. 628 00:43:45,665 --> 00:43:47,082 She called me gay. 629 00:43:47,166 --> 00:43:50,419 I'm not gay. You got to tell her that. 630 00:43:50,503 --> 00:43:52,671 You're not doing yourjob very well. 631 00:43:52,755 --> 00:43:55,674 I know it takes time for people to get to know each other... 632 00:43:55,758 --> 00:43:58,260 but this is ridiculous. 633 00:43:58,344 --> 00:44:00,721 They thought he was- 634 00:44:01,639 --> 00:44:05,517 They sort of walked a straight line, because they used to talk about him... 635 00:44:05,601 --> 00:44:07,936 saying, you know, "This guy, he can turn on you." 636 00:44:08,021 --> 00:44:10,147 And I never saw that side... 637 00:44:10,231 --> 00:44:13,734 but a lot of the crew thought he could turn on them. 638 00:44:14,485 --> 00:44:15,777 Chuck? 639 00:44:19,824 --> 00:44:23,702 Helsinki is wonderful this time of year. 640 00:44:24,370 --> 00:44:26,163 Especially the snow. 641 00:44:27,081 --> 00:44:31,793 It affords one solitude even in a city full of people. 642 00:44:45,058 --> 00:44:47,976 Excuse me. Is this seat taken? 643 00:44:49,062 --> 00:44:50,562 By you. 644 00:44:57,236 --> 00:45:00,947 Helsinki is wonderful this time of year, isn't it? 645 00:45:01,032 --> 00:45:02,741 Yes, it is. 646 00:45:10,541 --> 00:45:12,167 I'm sorry. 647 00:45:22,387 --> 00:45:23,762 Excuse me. 648 00:45:36,317 --> 00:45:40,362 Helsinki is wonderful this time of year, isn't it? 649 00:45:40,446 --> 00:45:42,572 Especially the snow. 650 00:45:42,657 --> 00:45:45,659 It affords one solitude even in a city full of people. 651 00:45:45,743 --> 00:45:47,244 Hey. 652 00:45:49,622 --> 00:45:51,665 I'm Chuck. 653 00:45:52,834 --> 00:45:54,543 So I gathered. 654 00:45:54,627 --> 00:45:56,128 And you are? 655 00:45:58,131 --> 00:45:59,798 Here you are, Chuck. 656 00:46:02,301 --> 00:46:06,972 At least give me a made-up name, something for me to cry out... 657 00:46:07,056 --> 00:46:09,933 during those dark nights of the soul. 658 00:46:13,813 --> 00:46:15,856 Cry out, "Olivia." 659 00:46:17,066 --> 00:46:19,359 That's Twelfth Night. 660 00:46:19,444 --> 00:46:21,695 Very good, Chuck. 661 00:46:21,779 --> 00:46:23,822 I'm pleasantly surprised. 662 00:46:24,740 --> 00:46:27,284 You're not like the other murderers. 663 00:46:44,343 --> 00:46:45,844 Here. 664 00:46:46,512 --> 00:46:47,846 Do you have it? 665 00:46:47,930 --> 00:46:50,807 - Do you have it? - Sorry. 666 00:46:56,314 --> 00:46:57,731 Don't worry. We're not going to cheat you. 667 00:46:57,815 --> 00:46:59,691 Yeah, just the same. 668 00:47:00,526 --> 00:47:02,444 Sorry about your teeth. 669 00:47:16,918 --> 00:47:24,257 Chuck? 670 00:48:07,134 --> 00:48:08,760 Olivia? 671 00:48:13,391 --> 00:48:15,517 It's Patricia, actually. 672 00:48:16,769 --> 00:48:21,064 Then I spent a year in Operation: Chaos inside the antiwar movement... 673 00:48:21,148 --> 00:48:24,401 nudging it towards violence to discredit it. 674 00:48:24,485 --> 00:48:25,694 That was fun. 675 00:48:25,778 --> 00:48:28,321 It sounds fun. It sounds fun. 676 00:48:29,240 --> 00:48:33,618 So, tell me, Patricia, why did you come up here tonight? 677 00:48:36,372 --> 00:48:38,123 I don't know. 678 00:48:38,958 --> 00:48:43,086 You're kind of cute in a homely sort of way, and- 679 00:48:45,464 --> 00:48:47,591 It's lonely when the civilian you're fucking... 680 00:48:47,675 --> 00:48:50,302 calls out the name on your fake passport. 681 00:48:50,386 --> 00:48:55,640 All the information I have about myself is from forged documents. 682 00:48:58,352 --> 00:48:59,811 Nabokov. 683 00:49:32,845 --> 00:49:34,095 Wait, wait. 684 00:49:34,180 --> 00:49:37,265 I got to go into the bathroom and take care of something. 685 00:49:39,018 --> 00:49:41,102 Leave the microfilm in, baby. 686 00:49:50,029 --> 00:49:51,029 Chuck! 687 00:49:54,700 --> 00:49:58,453 Do you know when my episode is going to air? 688 00:49:58,537 --> 00:50:02,248 Okay. See you, Chuck. Bye. 689 00:50:02,333 --> 00:50:04,125 - Chuck, this is Simon Oliver. - Hey. 690 00:50:04,210 --> 00:50:06,878 Everything go okay? You don't look too good. 691 00:50:06,962 --> 00:50:10,298 Mr. Barris, do not ever again jeopardize one of my missions... 692 00:50:10,383 --> 00:50:13,134 by having a game show contestant standing around as a witness. 693 00:50:13,219 --> 00:50:15,136 - Is that understood? - You're welcome, pal. 694 00:50:15,221 --> 00:50:18,515 - Do I make myself clear? - Fuck you. They're my contestants. 695 00:50:18,599 --> 00:50:20,350 You are a bloody amateur. 696 00:50:20,434 --> 00:50:22,060 - You're a faggot. - Chuck. 697 00:50:23,062 --> 00:50:25,897 Tell me, Mr. Barris. Are you in possession of my microfilm? 698 00:50:25,981 --> 00:50:28,024 - Yeah, I got it. - Let's have it. 699 00:50:28,109 --> 00:50:30,860 It's up my ass, Oliver. Why don't you get it? 700 00:50:30,945 --> 00:50:32,696 What is this shit? 701 00:50:32,780 --> 00:50:36,491 I deserve a little appreciation for my efforts here, Jim. 702 00:50:36,575 --> 00:50:39,327 What do you think Patricia Watson was? 703 00:50:44,667 --> 00:50:46,418 Prick. 704 00:50:47,044 --> 00:50:48,461 Really? Okay. 705 00:50:48,546 --> 00:50:50,547 He said he dated none of them. That's right. 706 00:50:54,719 --> 00:50:57,220 - Sandra? - Six of them. 707 00:50:57,304 --> 00:50:58,847 Six of them. 708 00:50:58,931 --> 00:51:01,015 Well, if it isn't the hit man. 709 00:51:01,100 --> 00:51:04,728 - What? - The hit man. 710 00:51:04,812 --> 00:51:07,021 Surprise! 711 00:51:09,442 --> 00:51:12,360 ABC's going to pick up The Newlywed Game! Daytime and prime time! 712 00:51:12,445 --> 00:51:13,737 You're kidding me! Oh, my God! 713 00:51:13,821 --> 00:51:16,948 That's sensational. You mean it? Fantastic! 714 00:51:19,160 --> 00:51:21,202 Here's the last of our five-point questions. 715 00:51:21,287 --> 00:51:25,457 Girls, tell me where, specifically, is the weirdest place... 716 00:51:25,541 --> 00:51:30,462 that you personally, girls, have ever gotten the urge to make whoopee. 717 00:51:31,172 --> 00:51:34,257 The weirdest place. Olga? 718 00:51:40,306 --> 00:51:41,931 Yes, Olga? 719 00:51:43,309 --> 00:51:45,059 In the ass? 720 00:51:47,146 --> 00:51:49,731 No, no. No, the... 721 00:51:49,815 --> 00:51:50,982 It's still there. 722 00:51:51,066 --> 00:51:54,402 What I'm talking about is the weirdest location, the weirdest place. 723 00:51:54,487 --> 00:51:55,904 The weirdest location. 724 00:51:55,988 --> 00:51:57,739 I don't know. 725 00:52:06,123 --> 00:52:07,624 Olga. 726 00:52:08,959 --> 00:52:11,127 Olga, the weirdest... The location or place. 727 00:52:11,212 --> 00:52:12,378 You know what I mean? 728 00:53:03,931 --> 00:53:05,390 I liked Penny. 729 00:53:05,474 --> 00:53:07,976 I even loved her, in my way. 730 00:53:08,060 --> 00:53:12,564 But the idea of tying myself down for the rest of my life... 731 00:53:14,191 --> 00:53:17,193 I remember my parents' marriage. 732 00:53:17,278 --> 00:53:19,070 We need a new icebox. 733 00:53:46,765 --> 00:53:49,017 The Newlywed Game was based on my theory... 734 00:53:49,101 --> 00:53:52,270 that almost any American would sell out their spouse... 735 00:53:52,354 --> 00:53:56,024 for a washer, dryer or a lawn moweryou can ride on. 736 00:53:56,108 --> 00:54:00,486 Such was my respect for that most holy of unions. 737 00:54:01,780 --> 00:54:04,282 - "Interpet." - Interpret. 738 00:54:05,659 --> 00:54:09,120 - Do you have an extra "R" I can borrow? - I'm not going to give you a letter. 739 00:54:09,204 --> 00:54:11,205 You're lucky I don't make you forfeit a turn. 740 00:54:11,290 --> 00:54:12,999 Okay. 741 00:54:13,500 --> 00:54:15,001 You look cute today, Pen. 742 00:54:15,085 --> 00:54:18,463 I always look cute. Don't distract me. 743 00:54:21,717 --> 00:54:25,428 - What was I going to say? - I don't know. What were you going to say? 744 00:54:30,559 --> 00:54:33,311 I think we should get married... 745 00:54:33,395 --> 00:54:38,066 because we've known each other forever and we've fucked each other forever. 746 00:54:38,150 --> 00:54:41,861 And you think I'm cute, you just said. 747 00:54:41,946 --> 00:54:44,530 And you always come to me when you're in trouble... 748 00:54:44,615 --> 00:54:46,991 and I'm nothing like your mother... 749 00:54:47,076 --> 00:54:49,035 What does that mean? What is that? 750 00:54:51,205 --> 00:54:52,914 I'm just kidding. 751 00:54:54,083 --> 00:54:56,167 Don't ask me to marry you again, okay? 752 00:55:02,341 --> 00:55:04,425 I couldn't breathe. 753 00:55:04,510 --> 00:55:06,469 I was drowning. 754 00:55:06,553 --> 00:55:09,931 And what the fuck did my mother have to do with it? 755 00:55:10,015 --> 00:55:12,266 So I made a call. 756 00:55:33,831 --> 00:55:36,040 Over here, strawberry dick. 757 00:55:44,216 --> 00:55:45,633 How do you know those things? 758 00:55:45,718 --> 00:55:48,136 We know what she actually thought it tasted like. 759 00:55:48,220 --> 00:55:50,138 Really? I could never find that out. 760 00:55:50,222 --> 00:55:53,349 That's on a need-to-know basis, my friend. 761 00:55:53,434 --> 00:55:55,268 What can I do for you? 762 00:55:55,352 --> 00:55:57,270 I really need something, Jim. 763 00:55:57,354 --> 00:55:59,313 I need something for my head. 764 00:56:03,944 --> 00:56:05,737 I got something for your head. 765 00:56:08,907 --> 00:56:14,829 And you're going on your date to fabulous West Berlin, Germany. 766 00:56:37,770 --> 00:56:39,812 The name's Hans Colbert. 767 00:56:39,897 --> 00:56:41,856 Other side of the wall. 768 00:56:41,940 --> 00:56:43,983 We don't like him very much. 769 00:56:45,277 --> 00:56:48,613 You'll be working with a kraut named Keeler. He's been tailing Colbert for a month. 770 00:56:48,697 --> 00:56:49,864 Knows the routine. 771 00:56:49,948 --> 00:56:53,785 Keeler's a drunk, so stay sober and take charge. 772 00:56:54,620 --> 00:56:56,746 It's done and done. 773 00:56:59,458 --> 00:57:01,292 Kill for me, baby. 774 00:58:33,719 --> 00:58:35,761 What are you writing, Sieg? 775 00:58:39,766 --> 00:58:44,896 Just keeping track of anything that happens in the Clara-Zetkin-Strasse. 776 00:59:09,296 --> 00:59:10,755 That's him. 777 00:59:13,091 --> 00:59:15,259 Too many people. 778 00:59:39,451 --> 00:59:42,203 Chuck. Chuck. 779 00:59:42,287 --> 00:59:44,205 - All right. - Take the camera. 780 00:59:45,415 --> 00:59:47,250 What is this? 781 00:59:49,628 --> 00:59:50,753 What the— 782 00:59:56,969 --> 00:59:59,470 - Take a picture. - Take a what? 783 00:59:59,554 --> 01:00:00,763 Take a picture. 784 01:00:02,808 --> 01:00:05,476 Picture. Come on. 785 01:00:05,560 --> 01:00:07,270 Take a picture. 786 01:01:33,398 --> 01:01:36,734 He would disappear for a week or so at a time... 787 01:01:36,818 --> 01:01:38,736 and his secretary would just say he's out of town. 788 01:01:38,820 --> 01:01:40,738 We didn't know where he went, so- 789 01:01:40,822 --> 01:01:43,240 I don't know whether it's true or not. 790 01:01:43,325 --> 01:01:45,076 I couldn't say. 791 01:02:03,762 --> 01:02:06,347 The only reason the KGB didn't kill me... 792 01:02:06,431 --> 01:02:10,935 was they needed me to trade for one of their Russian agents. 793 01:02:23,657 --> 01:02:28,702 I promised myself if I got out of this, I'd live my life differently. 794 01:02:28,787 --> 01:02:32,873 I'd throw myself into work, into life. 795 01:02:32,958 --> 01:02:34,542 Penny. 796 01:02:34,626 --> 01:02:37,169 I needed to see Penny again. 797 01:02:37,838 --> 01:02:40,798 And tell Byrd I'm out for good. 798 01:02:43,135 --> 01:02:46,762 If I could just make it past this one last man— 799 01:02:46,847 --> 01:02:50,599 this one last... 800 01:03:08,493 --> 01:03:10,911 I don't know what was worse... 801 01:03:10,996 --> 01:03:15,416 that I was duped by that fat fucking bachelor... 802 01:03:15,500 --> 01:03:19,128 or that it took seven of us to replace him. 803 01:03:26,511 --> 01:03:30,055 - You're still in one piece? - Where the fuck you been? 804 01:03:30,140 --> 01:03:32,766 - Did you have a nice flight? - Fuck you! Where you been? 805 01:03:32,851 --> 01:03:36,061 I got one contact, Jim, and it's you, and if you disappear, I got no one. 806 01:03:36,146 --> 01:03:37,480 You understand? 807 01:04:10,180 --> 01:04:12,973 If I had a hammer 808 01:04:13,058 --> 01:04:15,851 I'd a-hammer in the morning 809 01:04:15,936 --> 01:04:18,020 I'd a-hammer in the evening 810 01:04:18,104 --> 01:04:21,690 - She's good, huh? - She's very good. Very good. 811 01:04:21,775 --> 01:04:23,150 That's great. 812 01:04:23,235 --> 01:04:24,652 That's fine. Thank you so much. 813 01:04:24,736 --> 01:04:26,445 But I can sing the whole song. 814 01:04:26,530 --> 01:04:27,863 That was wonderful. Great. 815 01:04:27,948 --> 01:04:29,698 That was enough. That was fine. 816 01:04:29,783 --> 01:04:32,618 - All right. Bring in the next thing. - That was lovely. Thank you. 817 01:04:32,702 --> 01:04:35,204 Christ, there's gotta be somebody in America with some talent. 818 01:04:35,288 --> 01:04:37,581 - Hello. - Good morning. 819 01:04:38,750 --> 01:04:41,627 I saw her in a little club in Westwood. 820 01:04:41,711 --> 01:04:43,420 You're gonna love her. 821 01:04:47,717 --> 01:04:50,553 If I had a hammer 822 01:04:50,637 --> 01:04:53,931 I'd hammer in the morning 823 01:04:54,015 --> 01:04:57,226 I'd hammer in the evening 824 01:04:57,310 --> 01:05:00,354 All over this land 825 01:05:00,438 --> 01:05:04,024 I'd hammer out danger 826 01:05:04,109 --> 01:05:07,027 I'd hammer out a warning 827 01:05:07,112 --> 01:05:10,489 I'd hammer out love between 828 01:05:10,574 --> 01:05:13,033 My brothers and my sisters 829 01:05:13,118 --> 01:05:26,714 All over this land 830 01:05:27,632 --> 01:05:28,882 If I were a— 831 01:05:28,967 --> 01:05:32,469 - No, thank you. - That's great. Fantastic! 832 01:05:34,973 --> 01:05:37,558 That was great. We'll be in touch. 833 01:05:37,642 --> 01:05:38,892 Thank you. Thank you. 834 01:05:38,977 --> 01:05:40,894 We've been going about this all wrong. 835 01:05:40,979 --> 01:05:43,063 Rather than killing ourselves trying to find good acts... 836 01:05:43,148 --> 01:05:45,065 we just put bad ones and kill them. 837 01:05:45,150 --> 01:05:48,068 Chuck, honestly, this— and I know you like them— this is torture. 838 01:05:48,153 --> 01:05:50,487 No, no. We kill 'em before they're through. 839 01:05:50,572 --> 01:05:54,074 As soon as it gets unbearable, we kill 'em dead! 840 01:05:57,245 --> 01:05:59,913 Ladies and gentlemen, this act- 841 01:05:59,998 --> 01:06:03,167 This is so good! I love this, man. 842 01:06:03,251 --> 01:06:06,837 This next act answers the age-old question: 843 01:06:07,756 --> 01:06:10,549 If you wear a cellophane... If you- 844 01:06:12,135 --> 01:06:16,972 Okay. If you wear a cellophane suit... 845 01:06:17,057 --> 01:06:20,517 can people clearly see you're nuts? 846 01:06:20,602 --> 01:06:23,520 I don't know. A little humor, folks. 847 01:06:23,605 --> 01:06:26,148 All the way from Pacoima... 848 01:06:26,232 --> 01:06:28,233 Mick Donnelly! 849 01:06:32,697 --> 01:06:36,200 Raindrops keep falling on my head 850 01:06:36,284 --> 01:06:40,954 Just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed 851 01:06:41,039 --> 01:06:43,624 Nothin' seems to fit, those 852 01:06:43,708 --> 01:06:45,626 Raindrops are fallin' on my head 853 01:06:45,710 --> 01:06:47,878 They keep fallin' 854 01:06:47,962 --> 01:06:52,549 So I just did me some talkin' to the sun 855 01:06:52,634 --> 01:06:57,137 And I said I didn't like the way he got things done 856 01:06:57,222 --> 01:07:00,307 Sleepin' on the job, those... 857 01:07:00,392 --> 01:07:02,976 Who could have known there were so many Americans... 858 01:07:03,061 --> 01:07:06,063 just waiting for the opportunity to get on TV... 859 01:07:06,147 --> 01:07:09,024 and make an ass out of themselves? 860 01:07:09,109 --> 01:07:10,693 Raindrops keep fallin' on my head 861 01:07:10,777 --> 01:07:15,656 But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red 862 01:07:15,740 --> 01:07:17,991 Cryin's not for me, 'cause 863 01:07:18,076 --> 01:07:22,162 I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin' 864 01:07:22,247 --> 01:07:23,914 Because I'm— 865 01:07:26,584 --> 01:07:31,171 We'll be back with more stuff... 866 01:07:31,256 --> 01:07:33,340 right after this message. 867 01:07:36,845 --> 01:07:38,887 You know what the sad part about it is... 868 01:07:38,972 --> 01:07:42,391 Barris has a reputation for lowering the bar of television... 869 01:07:42,475 --> 01:07:44,351 and the standards and all... 870 01:07:44,436 --> 01:07:46,687 but he had a great feel for what people wanted... 871 01:07:46,771 --> 01:07:48,939 and he couldn't take the criticism. 872 01:07:49,023 --> 01:07:52,568 Things started to evolve pretty quickly. 873 01:07:52,652 --> 01:07:54,945 The show was gaining momentum... 874 01:07:55,029 --> 01:08:00,534 and I was becoming the one thing I didn't expect... famous. 875 01:08:00,618 --> 01:08:03,203 - You're Chuck Barris, right? - Yeah. 876 01:08:03,288 --> 01:08:05,122 The Gong Show. I love that show. 877 01:08:05,206 --> 01:08:06,749 Thanks. 878 01:09:07,018 --> 01:09:09,770 Hi. 879 01:09:09,854 --> 01:09:11,688 I thought that was you. 880 01:09:11,773 --> 01:09:15,400 Yeah. It's me. 881 01:09:17,779 --> 01:09:21,198 Well, I'm glad to meet you. I've seen The Gong Show. 882 01:09:21,282 --> 01:09:23,200 Yeah, well- 883 01:09:24,494 --> 01:09:28,497 I think you're the most insidious, despicable force in entertainment today. 884 01:09:30,875 --> 01:09:35,921 How dare you subject the rest of the world to your loathsome views of humanity. 885 01:09:36,005 --> 01:09:37,840 Yeah, I don't think it's that loathsome. 886 01:09:37,924 --> 01:09:39,842 What is it, then? 887 01:09:39,926 --> 01:09:41,510 To mock some poor lonely people... 888 01:09:41,594 --> 01:09:45,556 who are just craving a little attention in their lives to destroy them? 889 01:09:46,349 --> 01:09:48,475 They're still people. 890 01:09:48,560 --> 01:09:51,478 They still deserve a little respect and compassion. 891 01:09:53,398 --> 01:09:54,940 Who the hell are you... 892 01:09:55,024 --> 01:09:59,570 and what the fuck have you ever done to elevate yourself among the pathetic masses? 893 01:10:01,114 --> 01:10:03,949 Oh, that's right. You created The Dating Game. 894 01:10:04,033 --> 01:10:05,409 Wow. 895 01:10:06,995 --> 01:10:09,621 That's right up there with the Sistine Chapel. 896 01:10:14,919 --> 01:10:18,589 Ladies and gentlemen, it wouldn't surprise me to see this next act- 897 01:10:21,467 --> 01:10:23,218 That means... 898 01:10:23,303 --> 01:10:27,931 it's Gene Gene, the Dancing Machine... 899 01:10:28,016 --> 01:10:31,101 and just in time! 900 01:10:54,042 --> 01:10:57,669 He represents more than just the decline of quality television. 901 01:10:57,754 --> 01:11:01,548 In my opinion, Chuck Barris will do more harm to our society... 902 01:11:01,633 --> 01:11:03,300 than people seem to realize. 903 01:11:03,384 --> 01:11:05,093 Line one's for you, Chuck. 904 01:11:05,178 --> 01:11:06,887 - Who is it? - Some guy. 905 01:11:06,971 --> 01:11:09,932 He says he's a friend of yours from Berlin. 906 01:11:24,614 --> 01:11:25,697 Hello. 907 01:11:25,782 --> 01:11:27,574 Very gutsy, my neighbor. 908 01:11:27,659 --> 01:11:30,744 I guess you heard about Oliver. 909 01:11:30,828 --> 01:11:32,579 Someone changed sides. 910 01:11:34,499 --> 01:11:35,791 What was so urgent? 911 01:11:40,338 --> 01:11:42,381 I was wondering, you wanna grab a bite? 912 01:11:42,465 --> 01:11:44,091 I'm in town for a day. 913 01:11:44,175 --> 01:11:46,593 Now, assassins don't fraternize. 914 01:11:46,678 --> 01:11:50,472 That Keeler was calling me could mean it was my turn to get hit. 915 01:11:51,891 --> 01:11:54,851 I would take him somewhere where I knew I would be safe. 916 01:11:56,854 --> 01:11:58,438 How's show biz? 917 01:11:58,523 --> 01:12:00,273 Well, it's hit-and-miss. 918 01:12:00,358 --> 01:12:03,193 I got a new show called Operation: Entertainment... 919 01:12:03,277 --> 01:12:05,696 which I believe is really, really gonna kill. 920 01:12:05,780 --> 01:12:10,075 It's sort of a Bob Hope visiting the troops thing, but it's weekly. 921 01:12:10,159 --> 01:12:12,244 Instead of Bob Hope, it's like Flip Wilson. 922 01:12:13,037 --> 01:12:14,538 Chuck. 923 01:12:14,622 --> 01:12:17,207 Why do you do what you do? 924 01:12:18,543 --> 01:12:24,589 I like to think that I bring joy and laughter to millions of people. 925 01:12:24,674 --> 01:12:28,051 It's a very important thing, I think, in these difficult times. 926 01:12:28,136 --> 01:12:32,305 I'm not saying the show is as good as it can be yet, but- 927 01:12:32,390 --> 01:12:34,057 No, no. 928 01:12:34,142 --> 01:12:37,477 Why do we do what we do? 929 01:12:41,357 --> 01:12:42,482 Come on. 930 01:12:42,567 --> 01:12:45,986 I got my feet wet in World War II. 931 01:12:46,070 --> 01:12:47,696 Germany. 932 01:12:49,115 --> 01:12:53,243 The pleasure of killing was exhilarating. 933 01:12:53,327 --> 01:12:59,750 Later in life, I couldn't find a place to fill that void... 934 01:13:00,334 --> 01:13:03,670 to get that same rush of energy. 935 01:13:03,755 --> 01:13:06,089 So I started up my own business. 936 01:13:06,174 --> 01:13:08,925 Gentlemen, are you ready to order? 937 01:13:09,594 --> 01:13:11,928 I'll have a green salad, no dressing. 938 01:13:12,013 --> 01:13:13,513 And for you, sir? 939 01:13:13,598 --> 01:13:15,557 Can I get a steak? Rare. 940 01:13:15,641 --> 01:13:16,975 Thank you. 941 01:13:19,479 --> 01:13:21,772 Let me read you something. 942 01:13:22,899 --> 01:13:28,236 "Whatsoever your hand finds to do, do it gladly... 943 01:13:28,321 --> 01:13:32,240 because there is no work, love, knowledge... 944 01:13:32,325 --> 01:13:34,367 or wisdom in the grave." 945 01:13:34,452 --> 01:13:36,578 Who is that, Carlyle? 946 01:13:36,662 --> 01:13:40,957 No, it's the Old Testament. 947 01:13:42,710 --> 01:13:44,127 It's God. 948 01:13:44,212 --> 01:13:47,964 It's amazing you should quote him. He's my hero. 949 01:13:52,303 --> 01:13:56,139 Killing my first man... 950 01:13:57,892 --> 01:14:01,269 was like making love to my first woman. 951 01:14:02,772 --> 01:14:07,109 I remember every little detail- 952 01:14:07,193 --> 01:14:09,778 the smell of his hair... 953 01:14:09,862 --> 01:14:12,364 ice on the window... 954 01:14:12,448 --> 01:14:14,449 wallpaper. 955 01:14:16,035 --> 01:14:19,538 It's like entering a different time zone. 956 01:14:19,622 --> 01:14:22,707 You're becoming an outsider... 957 01:14:22,792 --> 01:14:25,210 isolating yourself. 958 01:14:25,294 --> 01:14:27,963 You're condemned. 959 01:14:29,006 --> 01:14:30,298 Condemned? 960 01:14:30,383 --> 01:14:33,385 You have become... 961 01:14:33,469 --> 01:14:37,639 their sadness... 962 01:14:37,723 --> 01:14:40,058 and live in a different state of mind. 963 01:14:44,689 --> 01:14:49,317 Ladies and gentlemen, the host of The Gong Show... 964 01:14:50,820 --> 01:14:52,028 Chuck Barris. 965 01:14:52,113 --> 01:14:54,447 It's good to see you, Sieg. 966 01:14:54,532 --> 01:14:57,200 Yeah. It'll be all right. 967 01:14:58,995 --> 01:15:00,287 It'll be all right. 968 01:15:00,371 --> 01:15:01,955 Happy birthday 969 01:15:02,039 --> 01:15:03,331 I think. 970 01:15:03,416 --> 01:15:05,167 To you 971 01:15:05,251 --> 01:15:07,627 Happy birthday 972 01:15:07,712 --> 01:15:10,630 Dear Chuckie 973 01:15:10,715 --> 01:15:13,133 Happy birthday 974 01:15:13,217 --> 01:15:15,385 To you 975 01:15:21,934 --> 01:15:23,643 Is that right? 976 01:15:23,728 --> 01:15:27,272 Yeah. That's real good. 977 01:15:27,356 --> 01:15:29,065 That's real good. 978 01:15:29,150 --> 01:15:31,610 So what's wrong, Chuck? 979 01:15:31,861 --> 01:15:33,904 - Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm okay. 980 01:15:35,740 --> 01:15:39,409 A guy I know killed himself last night. 981 01:15:49,420 --> 01:15:51,546 A guy I know killed himself. 982 01:15:58,804 --> 01:16:01,556 - Who was he? - You don't know him. 983 01:16:01,641 --> 01:16:04,392 He's a stagehand. 984 01:16:06,437 --> 01:16:07,979 Why did he do it? 985 01:16:10,775 --> 01:16:13,360 He didn't like his work anymore. 986 01:16:13,444 --> 01:16:15,528 - Thanks. - Thanks. 987 01:16:15,613 --> 01:16:18,156 Is being a stagehand really, really bad? 988 01:16:18,241 --> 01:16:20,283 Yeah, it's pretty bad. 989 01:16:35,633 --> 01:16:36,841 Hello? 990 01:16:37,635 --> 01:16:40,178 You were supposed to meet me at the Palm two hours ago. 991 01:16:40,263 --> 01:16:42,389 - Fuck, I forgot. - You forgot. Really? 992 01:16:42,473 --> 01:16:45,225 - Keeler's dead. Did you know? - Yeah, I heard. 993 01:16:45,309 --> 01:16:48,061 - What did you hear? - I heard he took himself out. 994 01:16:48,145 --> 01:16:49,980 Is that right? Did Byrd tell you that? 995 01:16:50,064 --> 01:16:52,732 He said he was depressed. I was gonna tell you, but— Hey! 996 01:16:52,817 --> 01:16:54,025 Who is this? 997 01:16:54,110 --> 01:16:56,820 - I don't get stood up. Do you understand? - Fun! Excuse me. 998 01:16:59,782 --> 01:17:02,909 So glad— Penny. Patricia. How'd you find me? 999 01:17:02,994 --> 01:17:05,745 Are you serious? This is what I do for a living. 1000 01:17:05,830 --> 01:17:09,165 - What does she mean? - You're dead in my book, strawberry dick. 1001 01:17:09,250 --> 01:17:12,294 - Strawberry dick? What's that? - I'll see you around. 1002 01:17:12,378 --> 01:17:15,130 Nice to meet you, Penny. I've heard a lot about you. 1003 01:17:15,923 --> 01:17:19,050 Why don't you stay for a cocktail? 1004 01:17:19,135 --> 01:17:20,302 Penny- 1005 01:17:20,386 --> 01:17:23,847 And, you know, man- 1006 01:17:23,931 --> 01:17:27,684 I'm giving you one more chance. Get it? 1007 01:17:29,353 --> 01:17:30,520 Fuck. 1008 01:17:31,939 --> 01:17:33,315 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 1009 01:17:39,363 --> 01:17:44,534 Wise men say 1010 01:17:46,829 --> 01:17:52,876 Only fools rush in 1011 01:17:55,379 --> 01:18:01,426 But I can't help 1012 01:18:01,510 --> 01:18:05,305 Falling in love 1013 01:18:05,389 --> 01:18:09,559 With you 1014 01:18:11,896 --> 01:18:17,233 Take my hand 1015 01:18:19,153 --> 01:18:24,949 Take my whole life too 1016 01:18:27,745 --> 01:18:33,750 For I can't help 1017 01:18:33,834 --> 01:18:38,004 Falling in love 1018 01:18:38,089 --> 01:18:43,551 With you 1019 01:18:43,636 --> 01:18:49,849 For I can't help 1020 01:18:49,934 --> 01:18:54,687 Falling in love 1021 01:18:54,772 --> 01:18:58,525 With 1022 01:18:58,609 --> 01:19:01,277 You 1023 01:19:05,324 --> 01:19:06,783 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 1024 01:19:10,830 --> 01:19:12,330 Line one for you, Chuck. 1025 01:19:13,916 --> 01:19:15,125 Thanks. 1026 01:19:16,127 --> 01:19:17,335 Yeah? 1027 01:19:17,420 --> 01:19:19,003 Keeler didn't kill himself. 1028 01:19:19,088 --> 01:19:21,047 He was murdered. Watch your back. 1029 01:19:24,176 --> 01:19:26,386 You can come in now, Mr. Flexner. 1030 01:19:26,470 --> 01:19:27,387 Chuck! 1031 01:19:28,931 --> 01:19:31,474 - Great to see ya. - What's up, Rod? 1032 01:19:34,687 --> 01:19:37,689 Well— Chuck, may I sit? 1033 01:19:37,773 --> 01:19:39,399 Hey, how's that redhead? 1034 01:19:39,483 --> 01:19:42,318 She's good, you know. Keeps... 1035 01:19:43,070 --> 01:19:45,989 Well, Chuck, the thing is, we have to talk. 1036 01:19:46,490 --> 01:19:47,740 What's up, Rod? 1037 01:19:47,825 --> 01:19:50,201 Well, the thing is... 1038 01:19:51,662 --> 01:19:55,248 some of your old shows aren't doing so well in the old ratings war. 1039 01:19:57,418 --> 01:20:01,463 So I've been put in the unfortunate position... 1040 01:20:01,547 --> 01:20:06,926 of having to inform you that the network is canceling these shows. 1041 01:20:10,014 --> 01:20:11,890 Now, don't shoot me, Chuck. 1042 01:20:13,142 --> 01:20:15,226 I'm just the messenger. 1043 01:20:31,327 --> 01:20:34,496 This really is the hardest part of the job for me. 1044 01:20:36,081 --> 01:20:37,707 They killed my babies... 1045 01:20:37,791 --> 01:20:38,958 just like that. 1046 01:20:39,043 --> 01:20:44,214 I pushed them into the world through the birth canal of my imagination... 1047 01:20:44,298 --> 01:20:47,133 Iovingly, tenderly. 1048 01:20:47,218 --> 01:20:49,552 Where's the humanity of these people? 1049 01:20:51,180 --> 01:20:53,765 - Fuck 'em. - Fuck 'em. 1050 01:20:53,849 --> 01:20:55,767 They're fucking bastards anyway. 1051 01:20:56,685 --> 01:20:58,561 Yeah. What am I gonna do now? 1052 01:21:00,689 --> 01:21:02,649 Oh, baby. 1053 01:21:02,733 --> 01:21:06,277 Oh, yeah. Feels so good. 1054 01:21:27,883 --> 01:21:29,259 Chuck? 1055 01:21:34,014 --> 01:21:35,932 - Chuck? - Fuck! Fuck! 1056 01:21:36,809 --> 01:21:38,476 Penny, fuck! 1057 01:21:55,160 --> 01:21:57,495 I came here to tell you I sold a painting. 1058 01:21:57,580 --> 01:21:59,497 That's great. 1059 01:22:02,459 --> 01:22:03,960 What's she doing here? 1060 01:22:04,044 --> 01:22:05,795 She's... 1061 01:22:07,631 --> 01:22:09,716 This is our house. 1062 01:22:10,968 --> 01:22:14,804 It's one thing to go elsewhere for your pussy needs. 1063 01:22:15,639 --> 01:22:18,224 But this is our house. 1064 01:22:18,309 --> 01:22:19,892 It's my house, Pen. 1065 01:22:19,977 --> 01:22:21,477 It's our house. 1066 01:22:23,856 --> 01:22:26,733 I found it with you. I decorated it with you. 1067 01:22:26,817 --> 01:22:32,071 I spent six fucking months waiting for the fucking plumber to fucking come. 1068 01:22:37,911 --> 01:22:39,829 I'm sorry. 1069 01:22:42,333 --> 01:22:44,584 You're such an asshole. 1070 01:23:29,088 --> 01:23:32,215 No, I'm not saying that. That's not what I'm saying. 1071 01:23:32,299 --> 01:23:34,217 Then what are you saying, Chuck? 1072 01:23:36,845 --> 01:23:39,806 Do you want me around or not? 1073 01:23:39,890 --> 01:23:42,225 Do you even like me? 1074 01:23:42,309 --> 01:23:44,227 Of course I like you. 1075 01:23:44,311 --> 01:23:45,728 Penny- 1076 01:23:45,813 --> 01:23:48,398 - How much? - What? 1077 01:23:48,482 --> 01:23:51,943 I need to know how much you like me. 1078 01:23:52,903 --> 01:23:56,239 I don't know what that means. How much? 1079 01:23:56,323 --> 01:23:58,741 How can I rate a person in that way? 1080 01:23:58,826 --> 01:24:01,285 You could if you felt it. 1081 01:24:01,370 --> 01:24:03,413 If you felt it, it would be easy. 1082 01:24:03,497 --> 01:24:05,248 You would just... 1083 01:24:06,750 --> 01:24:10,336 spread your arms as wide as they would go... 1084 01:24:10,421 --> 01:24:12,922 and say, "This much, Penny." 1085 01:24:22,766 --> 01:24:24,350 Everything— 1086 01:24:24,435 --> 01:24:26,644 Everything's complicated, Pen. 1087 01:24:26,729 --> 01:24:29,814 Nothing's black and white like that. 1088 01:24:36,447 --> 01:24:38,281 Do you want me around or not? 1089 01:24:38,365 --> 01:24:41,743 Because if you don't, it's okay. Just tell me. 1090 01:24:41,827 --> 01:24:43,286 Hey, hey. 1091 01:24:46,457 --> 01:24:50,293 I love you, Penny, in my way. 1092 01:24:56,633 --> 01:25:00,553 Maybe not in that crazy head-over-heels thing... 1093 01:25:00,637 --> 01:25:02,930 but what is that anyway? 1094 01:25:03,682 --> 01:25:05,349 Romantic love- 1095 01:25:05,934 --> 01:25:08,811 isn't that just an illusion? 1096 01:25:12,232 --> 01:25:15,318 You just said you loved me, right? 1097 01:25:59,822 --> 01:26:02,490 - Hi, Chuck. - Hey, Jim, what do you want? 1098 01:26:02,574 --> 01:26:04,659 - How's work? - Great. 1099 01:26:04,743 --> 01:26:06,327 Any new game show ideas? 1100 01:26:06,411 --> 01:26:09,038 Dozens. Why are you here, Jim? 1101 01:26:09,957 --> 01:26:12,667 We need you to find the mole and take him out. 1102 01:26:17,047 --> 01:26:18,464 Yeah. 1103 01:26:21,927 --> 01:26:24,178 Yeah. I'm done killing people. 1104 01:26:24,263 --> 01:26:26,681 I just want to entertain people. 1105 01:26:26,765 --> 01:26:28,391 I'm out. 1106 01:26:29,643 --> 01:26:31,561 No, you're not. 1107 01:26:36,233 --> 01:26:38,192 Hey, I got an idea. 1108 01:26:38,277 --> 01:26:42,697 If you want him so bad, why don't you do it? 1109 01:26:42,781 --> 01:26:44,699 Why don't you kill the mole? 1110 01:26:44,783 --> 01:26:47,034 You have a problem with killing, Jim? 1111 01:26:48,537 --> 01:26:50,580 I just don't fit the profile. 1112 01:26:51,331 --> 01:26:54,083 What fucking profile? There is no fucking profile. 1113 01:26:54,167 --> 01:26:55,293 Okay. There's no profile. 1114 01:26:55,377 --> 01:26:58,045 - There's no profile. - Okay. 1115 01:27:01,425 --> 01:27:05,678 You had a twin sister, stillborn, strangled by your umbilical cord. 1116 01:27:05,762 --> 01:27:08,264 Your first hit. 1117 01:27:08,348 --> 01:27:10,182 Your mother always wanted a daughter. 1118 01:27:10,267 --> 01:27:12,226 She blamed you for your sister's death... 1119 01:27:12,311 --> 01:27:16,397 so until your sister Phoebe was born, she raised you as a girl. 1120 01:27:16,481 --> 01:27:17,857 What else? 1121 01:27:17,941 --> 01:27:20,568 Your father, the dentist. 1122 01:27:21,320 --> 01:27:23,279 Not really your father. 1123 01:27:24,072 --> 01:27:27,700 Your real father was a man named Edmond James Windsor. 1124 01:27:28,577 --> 01:27:31,746 Among other things, he was a serial killer, a fact your mother didn't know... 1125 01:27:31,830 --> 01:27:34,707 when she had an affair with him in 1928. 1126 01:27:34,791 --> 01:27:37,043 - That's ridiculous. - Is it? 1127 01:27:37,127 --> 01:27:38,711 That's insane. 1128 01:27:38,795 --> 01:27:42,048 Windsor died in the electric chair in 1939. 1129 01:27:43,675 --> 01:27:46,218 I'm trying to think of what more I can tell you... 1130 01:27:46,303 --> 01:27:48,262 but you have me at a bit of a disadvantage, Chuck. 1131 01:27:48,347 --> 01:27:50,681 I don't have your files in front of me. 1132 01:27:59,316 --> 01:28:00,900 Come on, Jim. 1133 01:28:06,823 --> 01:28:08,324 I'm out. 1134 01:28:15,749 --> 01:28:18,918 As long as the mole's alive, you're a dead man. 1135 01:28:19,586 --> 01:28:21,796 How do I know it's not you? 1136 01:28:22,547 --> 01:28:25,007 You're a fairly bright guy, Chuck. 1137 01:28:26,593 --> 01:28:28,594 You'll figure it out. 1138 01:30:34,638 --> 01:30:37,139 - Hey, Chuck. I- - Take it off. 1139 01:30:37,224 --> 01:30:39,433 Who are you? What's your name? What's your name? 1140 01:30:50,904 --> 01:30:52,404 Yeah. 1141 01:30:52,489 --> 01:30:55,658 That's the way it goes on TV. 1142 01:30:55,742 --> 01:30:59,245 Get off the stage. Get off the stage. Go back to Scotland! 1143 01:30:59,329 --> 01:31:03,040 Get yourself a Guinness and some Lucky Charms. 1144 01:31:03,125 --> 01:31:04,041 All right. 1145 01:31:04,876 --> 01:31:08,796 Ladies and gentlemen, the prince of puns... 1146 01:31:08,880 --> 01:31:11,924 the wizard of whoopee! 1147 01:31:12,551 --> 01:31:14,885 The Unknown Comic! 1148 01:31:14,970 --> 01:31:16,887 Hey, Chuckie, baby! 1149 01:31:16,972 --> 01:31:19,056 Hey, Chuckie, baby, I got a joke for you. 1150 01:31:19,141 --> 01:31:20,558 - Ajoke. - What? 1151 01:31:20,642 --> 01:31:22,726 What's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain? 1152 01:31:22,811 --> 01:31:25,146 - I don't know. What? - Here's the guy! 1153 01:31:25,230 --> 01:31:28,274 - Get off the stage. - No, it's my turn, Chuckie. 1154 01:31:28,358 --> 01:31:31,318 - Get off the stage. - You're fucking crazy, man. 1155 01:31:31,403 --> 01:31:33,362 Get the fuck out of here. 1156 01:31:33,446 --> 01:31:38,200 Ladies and gentlemen, our next act— 1157 01:31:40,036 --> 01:31:41,579 First came... 1158 01:31:44,291 --> 01:31:48,002 to us... all the way... 1159 01:31:52,048 --> 01:31:55,843 Lord. Crazy on coast-to-coast. 1160 01:31:58,013 --> 01:31:59,430 Come on. 1161 01:32:03,518 --> 01:32:05,728 You like the way Mommy looks? 1162 01:32:05,812 --> 01:32:07,354 Yes. 1163 01:32:07,439 --> 01:32:09,857 I bet you'd like to be a mommy someday, wouldn't you? 1164 01:32:11,234 --> 01:32:12,443 Come here, you. 1165 01:32:20,577 --> 01:32:22,286 Sorry about your teeth. 1166 01:32:32,255 --> 01:32:39,845 Happy birthday to you 1167 01:32:39,930 --> 01:32:44,141 Happy birthday, dear Chuckie 1168 01:32:44,226 --> 01:32:46,727 Happy birthday to... 1169 01:32:58,865 --> 01:33:02,076 Come on. Take me away now. 1170 01:33:02,786 --> 01:33:04,578 Take me away. 1171 01:33:05,455 --> 01:33:07,498 What are you waitin' for? 1172 01:33:07,582 --> 01:33:10,209 Come on. Come on. 1173 01:33:10,293 --> 01:33:12,586 Come on. 1174 01:33:14,547 --> 01:33:17,716 I see you. I know who you are. 1175 01:33:17,801 --> 01:33:19,301 What are you looking at? 1176 01:34:42,886 --> 01:34:44,720 Dear Penny... 1177 01:34:44,804 --> 01:34:49,391 this isjust a note to say that I'm sorry... 1178 01:34:49,476 --> 01:34:51,894 for all of it. 1179 01:34:51,978 --> 01:34:54,855 You were the best part of my life... 1180 01:34:54,939 --> 01:34:57,691 and I couldn't see it. 1181 01:34:57,776 --> 01:35:00,110 I'm not asking for another chance... 1182 01:35:01,571 --> 01:35:03,906 just for your forgiveness. 1183 01:35:05,492 --> 01:35:07,117 Love, Chuck. 1184 01:35:26,763 --> 01:35:28,680 Well... 1185 01:35:28,765 --> 01:35:31,100 Iook who comes out of hiding. 1186 01:35:32,477 --> 01:35:34,395 I started thinking, Trish, you're the only woman... 1187 01:35:34,479 --> 01:35:37,523 in the world who really knows me. 1188 01:35:37,607 --> 01:35:42,903 I know I screwed you over in the past, and I'm sorry. 1189 01:35:47,117 --> 01:35:49,118 I just want you to know that... 1190 01:35:53,289 --> 01:35:55,457 I hate myself for how... 1191 01:35:56,334 --> 01:35:59,962 Goddamn, I hate myself for how I lived, Trish. 1192 01:36:01,214 --> 01:36:07,052 Nietzsche says whoever despises oneself still respects oneself as one who despises. 1193 01:36:08,638 --> 01:36:10,556 Shit, I never thought of that. 1194 01:36:10,640 --> 01:36:13,851 I can't even despise myself with any insight. 1195 01:36:14,686 --> 01:36:18,981 The insane asylums are filled with people who think they're Jesus or Satan. 1196 01:36:19,065 --> 01:36:21,984 Very few have delusions of being... 1197 01:36:22,068 --> 01:36:25,863 a guy down the block who works for an insurance company. 1198 01:36:28,283 --> 01:36:29,992 All right. 1199 01:36:31,661 --> 01:36:34,288 What is this stuff? 1200 01:36:34,372 --> 01:36:36,206 I wanted to be a writer once. 1201 01:36:36,291 --> 01:36:40,711 I wanted to write something that someday some lesser person would quote... 1202 01:36:40,795 --> 01:36:42,254 but I never did. 1203 01:36:42,338 --> 01:36:45,007 I'm the lesser person, Trish. 1204 01:36:46,009 --> 01:36:49,136 I never said anything meaningful that wasn't said by somebody else first. 1205 01:36:49,679 --> 01:36:52,723 I am disposable. 1206 01:36:53,558 --> 01:36:56,018 I disposed of people, and I'm disposable. 1207 01:36:59,856 --> 01:37:03,984 I've been thinking about you a lot lately, Chuck. 1208 01:37:04,068 --> 01:37:05,611 Yeah? 1209 01:37:07,113 --> 01:37:08,989 I've missed you. 1210 01:37:09,073 --> 01:37:11,241 You could have fooled me. 1211 01:37:11,326 --> 01:37:13,202 Well, I've mellowed. 1212 01:37:15,288 --> 01:37:16,914 Boston is a beautiful city. 1213 01:37:16,998 --> 01:37:21,543 We could start over here, normal life together. 1214 01:37:21,628 --> 01:37:23,921 Sell insurance. 1215 01:37:26,174 --> 01:37:29,218 Yeah! That sounds good. That sounds right. 1216 01:37:32,347 --> 01:37:33,680 Look at that. 1217 01:37:34,807 --> 01:37:36,892 I could learn to love that skyline. 1218 01:37:38,603 --> 01:37:41,230 Did you see I got your picture framed? 1219 01:37:41,314 --> 01:37:42,731 Yeah? Where? 1220 01:37:42,815 --> 01:37:45,734 - Look. - Hot dog! 1221 01:37:48,279 --> 01:37:53,075 To life. 1222 01:38:04,295 --> 01:38:07,422 You devil. Isn't that sweet? 1223 01:38:11,928 --> 01:38:15,097 Hey, what about splitting our time in New York? 1224 01:38:17,684 --> 01:38:21,270 Fuck. I just bit— It's just a- 1225 01:38:38,288 --> 01:38:40,038 No, that's too quick. 1226 01:38:40,123 --> 01:38:43,375 You're supposed to get to the bathroom and throw up first. 1227 01:38:44,127 --> 01:38:46,628 God, Chuck, you should have seen Oliver's face. 1228 01:38:46,713 --> 01:38:50,382 It was just— Well, if I do say so myself. 1229 01:38:50,466 --> 01:38:52,884 I got a nice snapshot of it, actually. 1230 01:38:54,345 --> 01:38:55,804 Keeler was easy. 1231 01:38:55,888 --> 01:38:59,474 Traveled halfway around the world for a night with me. 1232 01:39:03,479 --> 01:39:06,857 Okay. Let's see. 1233 01:39:06,941 --> 01:39:10,819 Chuck, you've put on weight. 1234 01:39:12,822 --> 01:39:14,323 Come on. 1235 01:39:15,074 --> 01:39:16,658 I nearly blew it with Byrd. 1236 01:39:17,869 --> 01:39:20,370 Never farm out a job that you should do yourself. 1237 01:39:20,455 --> 01:39:24,333 Do you want a laugh? He thought you were the mole. 1238 01:39:25,001 --> 01:39:27,753 He was going to kill you. What an idiot. 1239 01:39:29,213 --> 01:39:32,674 "I'm not at all the person you and I took me for." 1240 01:39:33,635 --> 01:39:36,970 Sounds like an epitaph. Your handwriting, too. 1241 01:39:37,055 --> 01:39:39,514 You see, Chuck, I save everything. 1242 01:39:39,599 --> 01:39:41,600 All of your lovely notes. 1243 01:39:44,479 --> 01:39:46,355 You know what? 1244 01:39:48,358 --> 01:39:50,025 I like Carlyle best too. 1245 01:39:50,109 --> 01:39:52,069 I really do. Yeah. 1246 01:39:52,153 --> 01:39:54,404 Say hi to the boys when you see 'em. 1247 01:41:01,431 --> 01:41:02,848 To life. 1248 01:42:00,615 --> 01:42:04,034 My name is Charles Hirsch Barris. 1249 01:42:04,118 --> 01:42:06,328 I have written pop songs. 1250 01:42:07,330 --> 01:42:10,040 I have been a television producer. 1251 01:42:10,124 --> 01:42:13,543 I am responsible for polluting the airwaves... 1252 01:42:13,628 --> 01:42:17,923 with mind-numbing, puerile entertainment. 1253 01:42:18,007 --> 01:42:22,552 In addition, I have murdered 33 human beings. 1254 01:42:44,909 --> 01:42:46,576 We have come here today... 1255 01:42:46,661 --> 01:42:52,415 to join Penny Pacino and Chuck Barris in holy matrimony. 1256 01:42:52,500 --> 01:42:54,876 You all know Chuck Barris... 1257 01:42:54,961 --> 01:42:58,672 creator of The Dating Game, The Newlywed Game... 1258 01:42:58,756 --> 01:43:02,467 The Family Game, The Game Game... 1259 01:43:02,552 --> 01:43:05,011 Dream Girl of 1968... 1260 01:43:05,096 --> 01:43:07,347 Operation: Entertainment... 1261 01:43:07,431 --> 01:43:11,643 How's Your Mother-in-law and many others. 1262 01:43:11,727 --> 01:43:14,980 Chuck Barris, who most recently brought us such hits... 1263 01:43:15,064 --> 01:43:16,690 as The Rah-Rah Show... 1264 01:43:16,774 --> 01:43:20,360 The $1.98 Beauty Show... 1265 01:43:20,444 --> 01:43:22,737 The Gong Show. 1266 01:43:24,532 --> 01:43:28,451 Chuck Barris, who I'm sure will be back soon... 1267 01:43:28,536 --> 01:43:33,540 with even more shows that will stimulate and educate... 1268 01:43:33,624 --> 01:43:36,626 and keep us on the edge of our seats. 1269 01:44:08,743 --> 01:44:10,452 All right, all right! 1270 01:44:11,329 --> 01:44:12,621 Congratulations! 1271 01:44:12,705 --> 01:44:13,705 Hey! 1272 01:44:13,789 --> 01:44:15,707 Thanks, thanks. 1273 01:44:15,791 --> 01:44:17,000 Thanks. 1274 01:44:40,983 --> 01:44:42,484 Danny, drive now! 1275 01:44:45,863 --> 01:44:46,905 Bye! 1276 01:44:46,989 --> 01:44:50,909 Penny, there's something I gotta confess, something I gotta tell ya. 1277 01:44:52,161 --> 01:44:54,746 Listen to me, Penny. You've known me for a long time- 1278 01:44:54,830 --> 01:44:59,250 As the host of The Dating Game, The Gong Show, Rah-Rah Show— 1279 01:44:59,335 --> 01:45:01,252 Yeah, yeah. Listen, listen. 1280 01:45:01,337 --> 01:45:04,839 I work for the CIA. 1281 01:45:04,924 --> 01:45:07,842 Do you understand? And I kill people. 1282 01:45:09,261 --> 01:45:11,513 I killed a lot of people. 1283 01:45:11,597 --> 01:45:13,974 You understand? 1284 01:45:15,017 --> 01:45:16,768 I killed a lot of people. 1285 01:45:45,339 --> 01:45:49,134 I came up with a new game show idea recently. 1286 01:45:49,218 --> 01:45:51,386 It's called The Old Game. 1287 01:45:52,263 --> 01:45:56,725 You got three old guys with loaded guns on stage. 1288 01:45:57,268 --> 01:46:00,395 They look back at their lives... 1289 01:46:00,479 --> 01:46:05,191 see who they were, what they accomplished... 1290 01:46:05,276 --> 01:46:08,945 how close they came to realizing their dreams. 1291 01:46:12,783 --> 01:46:14,409 The winner... 1292 01:46:15,036 --> 01:46:17,829 is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. 1293 01:46:19,582 --> 01:46:21,750 He gets a refrigerator.